Friday, December 30, 2011

Oh god I have so much to catch up on...

The sad part is that I haven't even STOPPED watching Netflix, just actively writing down my sometimes-shouted reviews and responses to the stuff I watch.

SO, with that said I'll pop up with a few reviews and other such soon, yah? Especially with all the actual t.v. shows on netflix I've been watchin' as of late, plus a few anime titles that I haven't brought to light that I really should've (Demon Lord Mao, Xam'd, and Sands of Destruction especially), not to mention actual mooooviiiies and...well, you get the idea.

So, stick with me and I'll do my best to at least keepin' ya entertained while I'm raping your eyes with WORDSWORDSWORDS.

Love,

That Bastard

P.S. - READ MY OTHER BLOGS:

The Pen Is My Sword
http://thepenismysword.blogspot.com

Netflix This!
http://netflixthis.blogspot.com

Man-Flavored Milk
http://blaragah.blogspot.com

Soothe Your Freaking Beast
http://soothyourfreakingbeast.blogspot.com

That Bastard On...
http://thatbastardon.blogspot.com

and, naturally, what started it all:

The Bellingham Jerk
http://thatbastardfrombellingham.blogspot.com

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Focus on "Fire and Ice"

Holy fucking shit balls, they finally got Frank Frazetta's amazing piece on Netflix This. Fire and Ice is one of the best goddamndest reasons to enjoy animated films, no matter WHERE they come from. Do you like chunky barbarian women? Do you like princesses who are actually NOT inept? Do you like tanned, beefy, muscular badasses? Do you like beefy muscular badasses with wolf masks and humongofuck axes?

Okay, now do you like narm-mouthed albinos who wield powerful earth-shattering magics aw you get the fuckin' point by now, yes? Suffice it to say, Fire and Ice is a standard I try to live up to when it comes to my writing. The background is pure scene pornography (er, most of the time), the writing is sparse where it needs to be and awesome when it has to be, and the villains...

Oh sweet jesus, would YOU trust a guy named Nekron? I wouldn't.

And theeeeen you got the main badass, who isn't even the main character. It's more like the main protagonist is just a sidekick and we're really watching this movie from HIS point of view just to heighten the sheer, unbelievable levels of badassery the actual hero has.

With a hugefuck axe too nonetheless! I don't mean it's, like, the biggest axe ever or whatever, but maaaan...the MOMENT this stone cold killer shows up on the screen, you KNOW bodies are going to start falling like trees in a Canadian forest.

This guy seriously eats lumberjacks and firemen for breakfast, then donates his testosterone to the entire W.W.E. roster.

All of it.

So yes, you got the artwork which is done by Frank Frazetta and is friggin' OBVIOUSLY done by Frazetta. Chunky, beautiful barbarian women, hugefuck muscular barbarian dudes, the trailer has the voice of the guy who did the He-Man era cartoon commercials, freakish monsters and lush backgrounds ranging from volcanic, predator-infested jungles to the icy, mountainous ranges of Necron's castle (actually the backgrounds were done by other well-known artists, but that's neither here nor there really...they're noteworthy and fucking awesome). Even better, this was also one of Ralph Bakshi's last stabs at an epic fantasy and while there ARE some detractors, I'm here to tell ya: fuck the haters.

For those who don't know who the hell Ralph Bakshi (a.k.a. - The Father of Rotoscoping) is, he was known for directing and making a few animated movies back in the day. Perhaps you've heard of, oh I dunno...Wizards? Fritz the Cat? Hell, what about Cool World?!

Oh god, all of you make me feel so fucking old. All of you.

And so much narmy cheese! Every time Nekron opens up his albino mouth, something of pure narm comes crawling out to slap you in the chops. For the love of god, Nekron's glacier is called Icepeak and the land he's invading is led by "Good King Jerol" from his volcanic "Fire Keep."

Icepeak and Fire Keep.

Oh god, I think I threw something delicious up in my mouth.

Okay, here's the skinny of it: there's this hottie albino chick named Juliana, right? And she's a well-known witch, a wielder of dark arts of shadow and ice. In wanting to rule...er, the world?...she bore a son, and named him Narmy McKillsEverything (changing his name legally to Necron after she realized Worldking McKillsEverything doesn't sound like much of a diplomatic name). She taught him her black arts and those of ice and the powers of the mind, and as he grew up he launched a campaign to devour and destroy all in his wake, pushing the gigantic glacier of Icepeak (heh heh) ever southward towards Fire Keep (PFFTHEH), killing the various tribes of men who lived on the outskirts of the jungle to the north and towards the south.

What his glacier doesn't kill, his beastmen (enslaved and charmed by his powers and utterly devoted to him and Juliana) goes forth to kill and ravage like real barbaric beastmen should. Amongst one of these raids a lone survivor, the tanned, blonde and athletic young man named "Larn," takes to the jungles after evading the beastmen parties in hopes of someday claiming vengeance against Nekron.

During this time, Juliana (behind Nekron's back) sends her diplomats to Fire Keep with words of peace (basically asking him his terms of surrender) while, at the same time, assassin beastmen kidnap his lusciously-curved daughter, turning it from a diplomatic talk couched in terms of fear to an all-out slaughter.

His delicious and delectable daughter, Teegra, is as feisty, skillful and cunning as one would want a barbarian princess to be. It's not long before she evades her captors, winds up in a horrible position, gets kidnapped again only to evade her captors YET AGAIN. This pretty much sets the tone for the bulk of the movie, and one that I actually find awesome. Waifish princesses who are unable to do anything BUT get kidnapped is a boring ideal to me, thanks to hours of growing up and cursing Princess Peach for constantly lusting after the giant reptilian dick. No other way to describe how she could get kidnapped so many times, yo.

Anyway, Teegra don't play that...but because this IS a kinda crapsack world, she ends up in a bad situation shortly after evading her captors. Eventually, in between beastmen kidnappings, she comes across Larn and the two strike up a friendship that borders on love...that kinda-sorta eventually blossoms into such later on. For awhile they live together, happily heading back south, when they become separated thanks to a giant octopus creature that nearly eats Larn.

It's during this time that Teegra becomes kidnapped AGAIN, and Larn's unconscious, fine tanned ass is saved by a man whose name they never really drop and, even worse, may or may not be a god. In the very least, there's a huge statue of him that was shown earlier in the show.

One thing leads to another and several attempts to rescue Teegra are launched. Eventually Teegra IS brought to Nekron who pretty much narms her to death, proclaiming her unfit to procreate with because she's of a lesser being, then after what appears to be an hour later, narms her brother DEFINITELY to death with magic and skill. He basically controls her brother and his cohorts and puppeteers them to kill each other for his amusement.

Funny story: Larn was on the boat they took and, after failing an attempt to kill Nekron, becomes Nekron's little sword buddy for a bit. NO NO NO, it's nowhere near...well, okay, maybe just a little...as gay as it sounds. Nekron eventually resorts to using his magic as well as the sword, enjoying his time with Larn before resorting completely to his magic to fuck with Larn.

Despite all that, Larn still gets a nice little riblet slash on his albino ass, and at least gets THAT much in the way of victory.

Suffice it to say, the ending is quite satisfying but there's a little tidbit about the main badass (the Dark Wolf guy) that they never actually say in the movie, only as a Word of God kinda thing that there's a connection between Dark Wolf, Juliana, and Nekron.

One which kinda makes sense after seeing this badassed killer just get his after his, killing beastmen by the hordes and surviving where lesser men die in waves, all the while dragging Larn along because the boy couldn't survive otherwise.

I've been watching Fire and Ice for as long as I can remember, and this is DEFINITELY one I'm friggin' glad to see on Netflix~! Go ahead and check it out, yeah?



(PSSST, part 1 of the movie can be found over at Youtube right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF1i-26N9j0&feature=related Remember, you didn't hear it from me - just watch it one way or another, and enjoy all that goodness!)

A rollicking adventure that goes GREAT with a little bit of Conan on the side. Don't forget, it comes in either Schwarzenegger AND Mimoa flavors now~! Seriously though, a barbaric feast for the eyes, ears, and soul and one that you OWE it to yourself to watch!

P.S. - My spellcheck actually corrected the name Schwarzenegger. I don't know if I should be worried or not...I didn't even catch THAT one~! I'm just sayin'...

Also, sorry 'bout all the Focus On's and my Hot and Current post, it's just sometimes I come across something that honestly DOES deserve my focused attention, y'know? Don't worry, next post will have my usual WHOLE DAYS GONE style of writing. Pinkie swear~!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Delicious seedy underbellies, translations, and remakes~!

Quite a bit of sci-fi up in HEAH tonight! Y'all ready to get on the Magic Goddamned School Bus? 'Cuz I'm ready to roll with this shit.and we's about to get muhfuggun MAGICAL up in heah!!

...well, uh...magical...about...science....

...fiction....

Ahem, ahem. LOOOONG before Cowboys Versus Aliens, and around the same time as Tales From A Parallel Universe (nee L.E.X.X.) comes this delectably B+-rated tale of cowbos, aliens, android-ish chicks and spaghetti western themes. I'm talkin' 'bout the sweet, sweet cheesiness known as "Oblivion." It also goes by the name of "Alien Desperados," but to be quite honest? I watched it as Oblivion, and I'll fuckin' call it Oblivion. Hell, it's a great movie and for a 1994 flick it really stands up to the test of time - it's as cheesy and watchable today as it was back then!

Well, shit, take a look!



For the record, this is a movie featuring Julie Newmar, Isaac Hayes, George Takei, Jackie Swanson...and that's only a sample! Suffice it to say, if yer gonna get yer B-rated on, THIS is the movie you wanna watch!

For this next one, I got one word for you: Loljapan. Less a samurai movie and more a focus on how Bushido can actually fuck a situation all kinds of hell up, this vehicle centers around a particular situation that arises when a maniacal daimyo...er, lordling...(or whatever) literally goes on a bloodfuckcrazy rampage. He goes out of his mind to fuck the wife of a retainer, kills said retainer and when he gets tired of the woman he cuts her arms off, her tongue out, then kicks her out in the rain to find her own way back to her clan. While it's >implied that he does this to pretty much everyone in his court, it gets pretty bad when a samurai of his court commits seppuku in order to get the attention of the court for help. Well, that's basically what happens...

Suffice it to say, that doesn't sit too well with 'em.

SO, 13 (well, 12 plus a ronin hunter they pick up later on as a guide) of their most loyal samurai take it upon themselves to fight through this guy's coterie except that DERP, he's in the middle of ascending to a high political office and now has backup. Like, 200 motherfuckers backing him up (including a rather badassed second in command/bodyguard) versus just their thirteen. Suffice it to say though, they got a plan...and, above all, THEY control the battleground. I simply don't wanna ruin the stellar fight sequence for ya, go see it for yerself!

Directed by Takashi Miike (You oughta know that name! The dude that worked on Ichi the Killer, of all movies, not to mention tons other that are considered controversial in Japan. Heh.), you KNOW this is gonna be good, and y'know what?

It is~! ESPECIALLY the final battle that goes down between the 13 and the 200 motherfuckers, well...check out the trailer, go take a look and see for yourself!



OH SHIT SON, yet another Alice in Wonderland translation up on Netflix! On the other hand, this one is extremely slick with the seedy underbelly of Britain or England or wherever. All I know is that this shit? This shit is actually really entertaining! It's pretty much following the usual traditional characterizations and plot points, but maaaaaan...well, for instance, y'know the Caterpillar sequence? Now he's a rhyming white-Jamaican cab driver puffin' on the pipe and dispensing advice with a ton of flavor and rhyme.

I don't even know what's with the chick ridin' with him, all I know is that the entire sequence is sick! PLUS there's the whole...well, if you watch it, you'll see why I happen to like cabbies as characters (the White Rabbit is an especially sleazy one with a heart of gold...er, well, tarnished gold). Altogether the movie plays out like Guy Ritchie directed it, and the shit is fuckin' AWESOME altogether. Hell, I'm gonna watch it again today~!!!

Check the trailer, make yer own call.



The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - no, not the movie, the original show spawned by the british radio comedy based on the book. Six episodes and while it certainly AIN'T enough, it damn well delivers! And when I'm talkin' 'bout British, I'm talkin' 'bout BBC and everythin', baby!

I ain't sayin' nothin' more though. I won't tell you nothin'. If you honestly don't know about Douglas Adams' wonderful, and I DO mean wonderful, book series nor the movie The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, then there is NOTHING I can do to educate you about it except to go read you some books.

Right the hell now. They probably have it at your local library, FOR FREE! So go read, yo! Or perhaps watch the movie, orrrrrr...just step up to yer Netflix search bar and look it up~!



So, can you tell what kind of a mood I was in with this collection of offerings? 'Cuz I certainly as hell can't. Iron Monkey is EXCELLENT, and if you don't watch it you should feel bad for not watching it, you bad person you. First and foremost, Donnie Yen.

Fuck yeah, boyee.

Y'know what? Fuck it, check this trailer:



Costumed vigilantes?! Evil fallen Shaolin monks?!! Ex-prostitute martial artists?!!!! Fightan all OVER the place?!!!!!

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLYYYYYYYYYYYYY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, sign me UP!

So you wanna have a good time this comin' week? Afraid of the Monday blues? Well dig this, dawg~! Just pop these into yer search bar and prepare to have a sweet time:

Oblivion
13 Assassins
Malice in Wonderland
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (make sure you don't click on the movie, but the BBC miniseries)
Iron Monkey

Hey, didja know I have a literary blog up now? All it has on it are poems, song lyrics, and (upcoming) short stories and overviews all from yer boy, That Bastard.

Go check me out at: http://thepenismysword.blogspot.com

Heh...penis jokes...

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Focus On "King of Fighters The Movie"

Dear Hollywood, STOP FUCKING UP MY FIGHTAN VIDYUH GAEMS!

STOP IT!

BAD! BAD!!!

No, seriously things have been going downhill since Super Mario Brothers the movie (though I actually liked that one...though I was, what, all of 12 when I saw it?) and have only gotten worse since Street Fighter: The Movie.

They can't seem to find the right balance between over-the-topic action (i.e. Street Fighter) and bringing the storyline to life (PRACTICALLY ANYTHING! Damn near all of them are some "adaptation" of a video game storyline when the original was fucking fine!), and they damn near all of them fail hard.

Well, here on Netflix they seem to think we want to relive these horrible, cringe-worthy movies by posting them up for viewing...eurgh..."pleasure."

With THAT noted I present to you this horrifying, terrible fighting game to movie offering on Netflix.

Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

Okay, I've been a fuckhuge fan of KoF since friggin' Fatal Fury. I didn't get good at fighting games until college, but I still have a lot of love for the genre, y'knowwhatImean? There's actual storylines and drama there behind the scenes and if done well it can be quite entertaining.

Then they started making movies based on them and ruining the whole fucking shebang. The King of Fighters is DEFINITELY one of those types, where they take a bunch of people who only REMOTELY (and I can't even mean that in the loosest of senses since it is looser than that!) share the same appearances as the KoF characters and throw them into roles, positions, and situations that the true-blue video game counterparts never would. Mai Shiranui goin' out with Iori Yagami? Iori red hair is gone? Mr. Big and Kyo Kusanagi are white? For some reason, despite Kyo Kusanagi's caucasian-ness, they show him in flashbacks as being more Asian then fuckin' Terry Tsurugi. Rugal is lamer than lame, I mean JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHYYYYYY?!

I guess any kinda asian would do for Kyo's part, and while Maggie Q makes for a great fighter they still put her in as Mai Shiranui instead of, say, oh I dunno...Athena Asamiya, or just about any other fucking brunette asian character in the game. Terry Bogard is a fucking inept CIA agent who apparently lacks EVERYTHING that made the original Terry Bogard so fucking awesome (and one of my mains FUCK YOU HATERS! ARE YOU OKAY?! BUSTAH WOLF! C'MON, GET SERIOUS!)

Horrible casting aside (GOOD LORD WHY DID YOU RUIN RUGAL FOR ME?!), let's get to the fight scenes. They're not baaaad per se, but if you actually knew what the hell the movie is based on then you'd actually expect more. As with all "translations" from one medium to another, what happened is that a bunch of executives had an intern round up a bunch of magazines/video games with the characters on the covers, throw them on the table then instead of actually playing, reading or doing anything to get to know the material they instead simply made a movie based on the covers they saw.

Okay, so here's how the movie presents it: there's another dimension which certain people can enter through bluetooth headsets (...and I'm back from vomiting) and fight one another for some inane reason they never really explain. They then go on to attempt to establish SOME connection to the video games by bringing in the three treasures of Japan and Orochi...but then completely ruin it with horrible fight sequences and the initial clusterfuck that is the character-to-role situation. Hell, Mai Shiranui isn't even a fucking busty ninja in love with Terry's brother Andy but, rather, some double-agent or whatever who's pretty much the pivotal character...which wouldn't be bad if it was a busty asian fightin' chick. Maggie Q simply does not (or was told not to) encapsulate what Mai Shiranui is about: titillation, kickin' ass and unexpected attacks mid-fight.

In attempting to retcon EVERYTHING the KoF is about and instead of simply embracing the fact that they're making a movie based on a 2-d multiplatform fightin' game, they have instead gave us a shit scrambled crapfest on top of fucktarded horribleness. The "narrative" if it can be called that is lame, the fight sequences could be considered good IF this movie wasn't based on something as awesome as KoF. I'm not even biased here, the way they presented the characters was all kinds of fucktarded and the storyline itself was a mishmash of terrible.

Hell, we're talkin' 'bout KoF here! They could've chosen any five storylines and ran with it, or even made a series of movies based on them! The N.E.S.T.S. Cartel story arc, the original story arc concerning Orochi R (JESUS CHRIST WHAT THEY COULD'VE DONE WITH IT!), the Maximum Impact storyline....y'know, fuck it. I'm too mad to even continue on this shit. Fuck this fucking movie and fuck everyone who actually thought it was a good idea, but y'know what else?

Fuck whoever fucked up this fucking script.

Fuck 'em.



Rageometer: ALART, MAXIMUM LEVELS EXCEEDED! MAXIMUM KRIEG LEVEL HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED, I REPEAT: RAGE HAS REACHED MAXIMUM KRIEG LEVEL OF ANGER.

THERE IS NO REACTION IMAEG POWERFUL ENOUGH TO PROPERLY REPRESENT MY AGNER.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hot and Current: Conan 3D (I'll try and keep it as spoiler-free as possible)

Alright reviewers of the Internuggets, I'm putting all of you on fucking alert.

So, I went into Conan (IN THREE DEE NONETHELESS!) fully prepared to get my mad hatter of hate on. I don't even mean my NORMAL kind of hate, just pure and unrelenting hate bordering on haet.

A hate so hateful that it MUST be misspelled.

Now, lemme pull back to a coupla days. I call up one of my closest friends (let's just call him "The Ace" for now) and we talk about stuff, y'know? Just stuuuuuuff. Gettin' caught up, that kinda thing. Then he hits me back with a couple of things, a favor and an offer. The favor is that he needs a ride out of Bellingham in order to get this super-ultra-awesome 19 inch monitor that's all the way the fuck out Lynden. Afterwards we can either chillax and play some vidyuh gaems (I'm hardcore vidyuh. He's even harder of the core. Suffice it to say we've had some good times, man, just dominating the fuck outta arcades and such...) or he could score a coupla tickets to go watch Conan in 3D.

Now we've discussed Conan before, how I feel about Hollyfucked and their fascination with remakes and reboots.

I hate 'em both, generally speaking. Almost as much as I hate sequels.

Now, he didn't have to really talk me THAT much into it after giving me this mindset to think on: treat original Conan (yes, even The Destroy, ya hatin' bastages) like Jack Nicholson's Joker and treat New Conan (IN TRIPLE-DEEZ!) like Heath Ledger Joker.

Now, I really REALLY dug Heath Ledger's Joker (not better than Jack's, but he's up there, y'know? Simply a different take on the Joker legend), so I switched from my frothing-at-the-mouth-hatred and ready to rip it a new one to "hey, let's give it a shot."

And y'know what? I manned up, apologized to The Ace, told him that he was right and I was wrong.

Conan was fuckin' INCREDIBLE!!!! It was far closer to the source material of the comics and novels by Robert E. Howard, what with Jason Momoa gettin' his barbarian on with the best of 'em and HOLY SHIT IS THAT BOB SAPP?

Yes, yes it is kids. It's fucking Bob Sapp as Captain Brosef Brofferson, a sidekick that could have his own fucking movie.

Okay, okay let's not get ahead of ourselves. First and foremost, why am I slinging such hate at certain Internuggets reviewers? Because this is not a movie to go to and expect cerebral, deep or philosophical film making.

This is fantasy-based Sin City. This is Advanced Dungeons and Dragons with grittier combat and prettier landscapes. The CGI wasn't too overpowering and the camera angles were fucking awesome.

Do not go and watch this movie expecting witty dialogue (though there IS some of that!), and do not go to watch a bunch of characters on the screen do anything other than bond over drunken rowdiness and generalized slaughter.

Seriously, it's like being plopped right back into the good ol' '80's with the gore and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IS THE CHOREOGRAPHY GOOD! Seriously, this is the kind of movie you WANT to watch for the fight scenes!

NOTE: SPOILERS AHOY!

As far as the pacing is concerned (which seems to be the number one complaint), not only is this a full-blown retelling of the masterful DeLaurentiis vehicle but there are quite a few people involved with Conan's quest for vengeance and certain things must be glossed over in exchange for satisfying fight scenes. Now, both my own august and glorious self as well as The Ace agree on various points: sure, this movie could've been made better if certain characters had longer fight scenes. Sure, this movie would've been AWESOME if a certain someone had come back in a certain someone else and backstabbed her husband and became some kind of violent goddess of battle for Conan to rape and kill, but that too would've only made the movie better...and possibly fuck up the ending too.

Bob Sapp is an amazing talent, and it was good to see Conan paired up with people who, y'know, weren't just targets for some cheap emotional ass-pulls by the directors but could stand up on their own two feet (even though the thief needed help, he was still a badass in his own right). Also while the monk girl still pulled some damsel in distress moments, they were rather weak in light of her actions. I mean, the girl could stand toe to toe with some of the most wicked characters in the movie!

Speakin' about wicked, HOLY SHIT ROSE MCGOWAN IS FUCKING EVIL! Just...evil. Like, super-hot evil. Like, if you thought those chicks in Dune were hot, y'know, those priestesses? Yeah, now make them evil and with all those psychic powers turned to necromancy as well.

My only complaint: it would've been SO much wincest if her father just accepted her loving attentions and boned the fuck out of her. She looks like her mother? Cool. She's suckling gently on your thumb? Doubleplusgood. She ALSO practices necromancy and is assisting you to become a god and rule the world?

Holy shit, you're already evil JUST FUCKING GO FOR IT! In b4 vile hatred and slander.

No, seriously, if you're the badguy you might as well go all the way. McGowan's character is evil, powerful, strong and completely loyal to him. He's brutal, evil, vicious and has already slaughtered thousands in his search for this artifact.

DUUUUUUUUDE, it is fuckin' TIME! Except he should've had her call him "Daddy" the entire time they'd be knocking boots.

I gotta admit to y'all, I was sooooo disappoint when he just dropped that issue with a "You look like your mother...but you can never be her."

FUCK THAT SHIT, CALL ME DADDYYYYYYY!! DAAAAADYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! (coughinsidejokecoughcough)

Anway, to quote The Ace, "This Conan doesn't just make allies...he makes BROS!" Seriously, the side characters are as interesting and varied (and archetypal) as Conan himself is. ESPECIALLY Ukafa, the pirate captain that took Conan under his wing when he was younger.

Did I mention that Ukafa, a.k.a. Captain Broseff Brofferson McEightPoppedCollars, was played by a slightly fat Bob Sapp? Dude still looked like he could tear your head off and shit down your neck. Seriously, the monk girl could've been completely ixnayed out of the movie (for all that it would've taken out a Cinemax-worthy sex scene and a decent chunk of muscular Hawaiian guy ass. Seriously, you could've bounced a brick off dat ass) and it could've ended with Captain Broseff, BroThief, and Bronan riding off into the sunset all Three Amigos style.

As is, the sex scene wasn't NEARLY rough enough. Another thing I gotta agree with The Ace 'bout, but still...he's a fucking barbarian. Sure he employed strategical thinking and logic, and actually was as much of a thinker as he was a "KILL FUCKING EVERYTHING" kinda guy, but stiiiiiiill...

NOOOOOOOOOOW, let's get down to Conan himself. I actively disagree with what other reviewers have said 'bout Jason Momoa's version: he speaks when he needs to, only speaks to others in demands and grunts, roars with power and has such a violent grace that I HAD to give him props for it. This is what Howard's Conan was like, a true Byronic anti-hero, a barbarian who didn't give two fucks about civilized, proper mannerisms and pretty much killed and fucked his way through life, intent only on his goals at the expense of all.

BUT, Conan has an extreme sense of honor and loyalty despite his barbarism.

"I fight, I slay, and I love. I am content."

My fucking god, what a line~!!! And delivered with believable panache as well.

So no, you other reviewers, it is NOT okay what you're sayin'. This movie not only lives up to Ahnold's legacy, but Howard's intent as well. This movie is an excellent beat-'em-up with awesome camera angles, slick maneuvers, a superb level of choreography and OH, by the way, it has Ron Pearlman as Conan's father.

I am indeed content!

Now, ever since Transformers 2 I basically won't talk about a movie I've just watched until the day after. That's because my inner fanboy might have actually blinded me to something that is, in fact, pure crap (a.k.a. - Transformers 2). I'll never forgive Michael Bay for Jar Jar Binks...er, I mean, Skids and Mudflap...nor will I ever forgive him for the bullshit dick and fart jokes (wrong movie, dawg, it's funny when Jay and Silent fucking Bob does it, not fucking Optimus goddamned Prime he is Robosus you do not fuck with that dawg) nor the ENTIRE college arc and defeating the very core idea of Transformers by introducing a fully human-looking fembot.

Hell, simply having Shia LeDouche in the movie is enough to make me hate Michael Bay.

Now, I saw this movie yesterday. I have settled down and weighed the pros and cons...and I still love this movie and will buy it the MOMENT it comes out on DVD.

I mean, I do have SOME cons...namely it lacks the same kind of audio punch the Ahnold movies did. I mean, it was good...but it wasn't, say, "The Kitchen/The Orgy."



I mean, Ahnold's Conan had music that was more epic than the movies!

Also, the sex scene needed to be rougher. It was too gentle and loving for me to think it was anything other than Fabio masturbating on a field of middle-aged soccer moms. Lastly, they needed a longer battle between the one female general of the evil king (the one who always struck me as being "THAT KIND" of miniboss, y'know? Just thaaat kind, you get to them and you're like "GODAMMIT WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING HARD FUCK?!!!") and Conan, hell let him fight ANY of the other general-types a bit more than what happened and deeeefinitely could've used more Bob Sap.

Captain Brosef Brofferson was that fucking entertaining!

I really also hope they continue exploring this world with a few sequels. So long as they don't fuck it up and keep the proper people, it'll be a wonderful thing to check out, y'knowwhatImean?

Altogether this is not a movie where you want to watch people dancing, singing and having a good time. This is not a movie to take your fucking kids to.

No, this was a movie that was an excellent example of cinema violence galore, with plenty of blood and viscera. This is a movie where the storyline takes place during the fight scenes, and you're here to have a good time watching faces get bashed the fuck in.

So yeah, I'm suggesting you put money on this one. Tell 'em That Bastard sent ya!

It won't mean a goddamned thing, but maaaan...I bet it'd sound cool the moment you actually DID! Well, to me at least.

I'm That Bastard, and I'm putting my good name and word on your enjoyment of this movie.

Sincerely,

~That Bastard

P.S. - I swore I'd hate this movie unless New Conan did at least ONE thing that was a throwback to Ahnie Baby. And y'know what? HE DID! So yeah, I can honestly say I like this movie now. I'm just sayin'...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Movies So Bad They're Entertaining~!

Y'know, sometimes I watch a movie expecting something so horrible that I just love my mind and go crazy with rage.

And then...sometimes I watch a movie that's so fucking bad it's good.

This post is about four of such offerings...I swear to God I watched three of them in a row. I still don't know why.

WHAT IS IT WITH HOLLYWEIRD AND WHITE PEOPLE HEADLINING THINGS THEY SHOULDN'T?! I don't give a fuck how "believable" the story might bet, the only great white hope amongst ninjas was Chris fucking Farley. The guy they got as the main protagonist of what SHOULD be a shitfest is a fairly good martial artist, is at least somewhat athletic and is as believable a ninja with his Bud K uniform as...well, Chris Farley was in Beverly Hills Ninja.

Only, strangely enough...the fight scenes were actually pretty good.

I mean, the gear is practically ALL Bud K equipment, and ain't nothin' faker than that, y'knowwhatI'msayin'? But maaaan...the fight sequences weren't bad, really.

So much so that I kept watching it, for some reason, until the end.

Now, when I first started watching it I was thoroughly expecting to compare it to the jaw-droppingly good Ninja Assassin (STORY IDEA: HE'S A NINJA WHO IS AN ASSASSIN WHO IS ALSO A NINJA WHO ASSASSINATES OTHER NINJAS WHO ARE ALSO ASSASSINS WHO CANNOT ASSASSINATE THE NINJA ASSASSIN BECAUSE HE IS AN ASSASSIN OF NINJAS...WHO IS ALSO A NINJA!), and while it pales in comparison costume-wise and even choreographed fighting-wise...but man, it was surprisingly good when I was expecting it to be just THAT horrible, y'knowwhatImean?

Go ahead and give it a try, eh?



LOL SCOTT ADKINS jesus fuckin' god white people need to stop doing shit like this. You can't be the last goddamned Samurai, you're Tom Cruise you're not even japanese. Insert "Tom Hanks is the Last Nigga On Earf" joke here.

Bloody Mallory - y'know, the French have put out some decent flicks, strangely enough. I mean, they're the French, right? So I thought when I first watched Dark Portals: The Chronicles of Vidocq (FUCK YEAH BIG HONKIN' NOSED GERARD DEPARDIEU HE WAS A GODDAMN MUSKETEER!) as well as The Horde, which wasn't just good it was fuckin' EXCELLENT!. Hell, apparently the French have a huge history of making pretty good horrors...and Bloody Mallory doesn't fit the bill exactly.

Okay, take Sin City, right? You got that comic book angle goin' on, and the whole larger-than-life characterization goin' on. Right? Good.

Still with me? Now make it French, somewhat cheesy and basically...well, I WAS going to call it "V.I.P. - The Movie" but then a coupla fight scenes actually got me goin'. Especially the mute little telepathic girl who can possess other bodies (and memories) at will...

Altogether though, the movie just....got my attention and actually (GASP!) kept it! Which is weird 'cuz it's just sooooo fuckin' horrible, and yet...

And yet I watched it! Like, all of it.

Let's see, you got the black french tranny, the fake-redhead straight outta Run Lola Run, the mute telepath girl and their government correspondent who dies in the beginning but is later replaced with a martial arts-wielding priest of the church. The fucking pope gets kidnapped and that's when fallen angels come into play in the storyline.

I swear to fucking god, it's like I was the one who wrote it! The fight scenes are deliciously cheesy, the character interactions are laughable at best...and yet there are moments when they're believable too.

Altogether, Bloody Mallory is, like, the WORST movie I have ever seen...but in the best of ways.

Y'know, I like this movie for the same reason why I loved the "Tales From A Parallel Universe" movie series, back before it became "L.E.X.X." It's just good ol' fashioned B-rated sci-fi-y fun.

Mallory herself (whose character is pretty much an expy of Bloody Mary or somethin', or perhaps Lizzie Borden) actually stands up to my badassed meter, with cute little comebacks every now and then - hell, she even swallowed a friggin' 10,000 year old prophecy (er, parchment?) as a response to "How can you stop a 10,000 year prophecy?"

She just snags the paper, balls it up, stuffs it into her mouth, chews and fuckin' swallows.

Now THAT is badassed!

I hate to quote another reviewer on Youtube, but he's got a point: this is basically Buffy the Vampire Slayer having dirty sex with Buckaroo Banzai.

Well, hell...take a look and judge for yourself. Lol, a french film and the only trailer I can find is in german:



Y'know, I'm somewhat disappoint when it comes to horror movies nowadays. It's either "Me-Too, Me-Too!" gorror bullshit or simply obvious VAT A TWEEST endings.

The V-Word did not disappoint in that I expected every single fucking thing that happened to it.

I mean, the movie itself was just...so...average that I don't even remember two-thirds of what it's about! It's basically the more "vampires aren't mystical, only predatory beasts" angle and just runs with it.

Thats...pretty much all I remember of it. I dunno, maybe I'm giving this a bad ribbing? All I remember is that I watched the damn thing all the way to the end, and that's pretty much it.

I don't even remember WHY I watched it to the end...but there ya go. The V-Word. Derp.

SPEAKIN' ABOUT VAMPIRES, there's this movie...oh god, okay Ninjas Versus Vampires was surprisingly good. Then there's this stinkfest known as Bloodwars.

Oh my god, the fight sequences are horrible, the slang is just fucked up, ROTC REPRESENT but still that doesn't save this horrible horrible "Warlocks Versus Vampires" film.

What does save it? The head vampire dude is the fucker who played Candyman.

My god, what a glorious ham!!!



Honestly, I'm not suggesting ANY of these movies....unless you want to seriously watch a movie that's just so bad it's actually slightly entertaining.

Lookin' for that list? Here ya go!

Ninja
Bloody Mallory
The V Word
Bloodwars

Ugh, maybe Masters of Horror will get good again...in b4 hate and vicious slander.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Horror 102: Rooms To Die For...er, In...you heard me...

It's time for some fuuuuuuun! Are you ready to play some games?

'Cuz I got some more horror for y'all~!

Nine Dead - Nine people are handcuffed to poles in a room. They must guess WHY theyr'e in the room, pretty much attempt to figure out what's the relationship between all nine of them, or one person will be shot once every ten minutes.

Believe it or not, it's a pretty badassed flick altogether, y'know?



Breathing Room - Take Nine Dead then add a liberal mass of Clue. Basically somethin' like fourteen people awaken within a huge room with fluorescent lighting, individual bags for clothes (orange-red team and blue-black team) and in each of them a hint, a clue towards what's going on.

They're also wearing collars that will shock their asses dead should they "break the rules."

The gamemaster actually shows his face, which immediately makes it different than Saw or Nine Dead. The best kill due to rule breakage? The guy who didn't fucking wash his hands.

Now THAT'S my kinda punishment!!! WASH YOUR GODDAMNED HANDS now I gotta make a friggin' personal post about that sometime...

Suffice it to say the lights go out at regular, possibly even irregular intervals, and a person dies with each lights out. They're constantly hounded by the fact that a "pedophile, a rapist, and a murder" is alive amongst them...or dead when they die.

I won't tell ya when, or who, but maaaan...let's just say the killer is only slightly obvious, but the rest'll actually catch ya off-guard. Now that I've ruined THAT for you, check out this trailer and see it for your damn self:



Cube 2: Hypercube - I fuckin' loooooooooooove the cube series, with Cube 2 being my favorite (Hypercube~!). After all, nothing is scarier to me then being killed by mathematical theorems, geometrical anomalies and spatial algorithms. I mean, you don't understand when it's gonna hit, you probably don't even understand when it DOES hit, and last but not least it's damn near always messy when it does hit.

If you ask me, it doesn't get any better then that when it comes to gore-horror flicks!

Every cube movie pretty much goes like this, only Hypercube has a futuristic math-will-kill-you kinda thing goin' on: eight strangers awaken with the Hypercube itself and they must navigate their way about each room, surviving not only the actual kill rooms (a staple for the Cube series) but also rooms where the room ITSELF can kill or somehow just fuck you up. Gravity shift rooms, variable time speed rooms...I'll ruin this much for ya, two of the strangers get their sex on in one of these rooms and end up dessicated as fuck.

Suffice it to say, unlike the other Cubes which relies on such lethal gimmicks as crushing walls or machine guns firing into the room or even acid sprays (my favorite) OH, or the garotte wires ground beefing a guy, the Hypercube instead uses, just like I said, mathematical algorithms and alien geometries.


BEWARE: German subbed, and the action goes down 'bout 1:50 in. See that beautiful mirror-like thing floating in the air? Yeah, that will kill you.

Beautiful and shiny things will kill you in the Hypercube.

DO NOT HAVE SEX IN THE GODOMND HOPORCOBE, GODOMMOT FRONK!

Here's the trailer:



Suffice it to say I'm a BIIIIIG fan of the Cube series. They're all pretty fucked up, but maaaan...the second one is just pure fucked up on top of "Oh godammit fuck this shit."

Seriously, they need to make a Cube 3 already.

SO, there ya go....three offerings to definitely eat up an evening. For those of you who skipped down to the list section, all you gotta do is plug these into your search bar:

Nine Dead
Breathing Room
Cube 2

Enjoy a night of Saw-esque horror, yo~!

Sincerely,

~That Bastard

P.S. - you know what else eats up afternoons? I have, like, five blogs altogether...why dontcha go check 'em out? Or, hell, brag about having found me to your friends before I get all e-popular and shit.

Go oooooon, I'll still love ya ba-by~! That Bastard doesn't diminish by being shared, shit...juices get multiplied~!

Seriously, stop keeping me a fucking secret already!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Oh God the things I would do to Rebecca Ferratti...oh, and a few movies for you to enjoy!

Y'know, eventually while hanging out with my gee-manly friends spouting gee-manly poetry and pure gee-manly lies, the question of "Tits or Ass?" comes up.

I'm a fucking omnivore, I eat a woman whole, y'knowwhatImean?

With THAT stated, I (for once) am torn about one woman. I mean, which is better...

Rebecca Ferratti's ass or Rebecca Ferratti's rack?

I haven't been this torn since I had the same question about Sophia Loren and Monica Bellucci...maybe it's a Italian woman kinda thing? Just so smoking hot that to be asked that question is tantamount to cerebral suicide.

I mean, choose between Heaven and Heaven? Fuck you, man, fuck you.

For the record, Rebecca Ferratti is the lead female protagonist of the wonderfully done (fuck the haters) movie you can find on Netflix right the fuck now by the name of "Gor."

Okay, quick story recap: dude is a totally beta professor type, right? A ring he's wearing transports him tot he mythical world of Gor, a place of desert sands and flashing swords where every man is an alpha and all the women (who are also alphas) are treated like slaves.

That's...pretty much the gist of it.

Prepare for all kinds of swords, daggers and misogyny! Eventually the professor grows a pair, stops being so useless and turns into OMEGA ALPHA, only to find himself in the end...

Well, I won't give THAT way at least! Suffice it to say this movie pissed off both feminazis, REAL feminists, people who just believe in the ethical and moral ideal that men and women deserve equal respect, and Gor book fanboys and Gorean lifestyle enthusiasts. Yeah, I own a few of the books...but meh, I just enjoyed the movie 'cuz of the huge delicious distraction that Rebecca Ferratti provided.

WARNING!: the trailer ain't in English~!



God, I should've had this in my '80's blowout post...the hair, THE HAIR! I half-expect to see leg warmers on the wimmenz in this movie...

Y'know, I'm going on a diet as of now. So will you within the first five or ten minutes of the movie "Feed," a thriller-horror...well, just gross-out horror...where a guy goes about capturing women (well, it's implied in the movie), feeding them to death all whilst video taping it and putting it on the internet where people can bid on when the fatty will die. Basically a movie centering around the one scene of "Gluttony" from Seven, and THAT shit is just...gah.

Oh, and cannibalism too of the ritualistic/auto-cannibalistic type as well as the unsuspecting kind. Gotta love them cannibals.

With what can only be described of as a ironic soundtrack, this movie really does deliver on what it suggests: people feeding in both the carnal and the gastrointestinal sense. I'm not one for either harem (as in suuuuuper fat chicks) OR "bbw's," I mean I like me some big wimmenz....but there's an upper limit I'm willing to go to (or they won't be able to keep up with my exercisin') as well as a lower limit (I break 'em in half. Period.), and I'd like to think that I'm pretty generous when it comes to my standards. All that I ask is that ya keep up with me OR, barring that, provide me with a challenge and support me in gettin' to your speed. Anyway, I'm not one for those types but geeez...this movie is, just, like....so much about that!

Now, I like flesh like the next guy...but MAN, the whole run of the movie all I can think about is that line from Madagascar "We're ALL steak!" If you're into vore, oral sex alongside some of the most carnal scenes you'd like to experience or you're simply just a freak (like meeee~!) you'll really, I do mean REALLY, enjoy this movie. Keep in mind it's not as cannibalistic as I make it out to seem...but the parts that DO show up is just all "ewwwww."

May I suggest pants off today whilst viewing this movie? Good show, good show!



It's because of that movie I'm going to use the line "Let's feed a fat woman...TO ANOTHER FAT WOMAN!" Seriously, the entire movie is one mindfuck of a vore's paradise.

Well, outside of the whole "first person perspective of being eaten"...

Are you ready for something GLORIOUSY CHEESY?!!! SIMPLY..FUCKING GLORIOUS?!

Okay, if you're going to be horrible and B-rated, then you should DEEEEEFINITELY try to be the best of the worst, y'knowwhatImean? This movie, the very movie I am about to tell you 'bout, is what happens when you take student martial artists, college-aged apprentice stuntmen and novice choreographers and put them together with free-to-download indie rock/metal music (for the most part, I swear to god every last one of them sounded like this). Let's not forget D-rated special effects, horrible makeup work that somehow works and Bud K catalog equipment. Let's not forget a bleh storyline, some pretty good fight scenes that make you forget about the bleh storyline and somewhat memorable characters OH, and let's also add a few lines from My Way Entertainment I swear to God I heard them say "He's 'The Bomb,' he's the fucking Bomb! He's going to kill you and eat your fucking costumes!" Put it together with all the gusto of college aged students can muster and you have a fuckin' awesome movie of staunchly honest proportions.

I'm talkin' 'bout Ninjas Versus Zombies.

Okay, I'm not even going to go into the details of how these "ninjas" come across their equally cheesy "powers" and their vampire turncoat ladyfriend...oh, and their magic-using ninja. Anyway, they just have these powers and come to the realization that they're fucking ninjas. They exist to kill vampires, who (of course) view humanity as a snack and are hatching an evil plot to reduce the world to ashes and rebuild both humanity and vampires.

Or was it just vampires?

Meh, what I DO remember fondly about this movie is how slightly-cool (more like cheesy-cool, but yeah) the fight scenes are. They're not bad, even if they're overly-rehearsed in a few sequences, and sure: EVERYONE IS WEARING BLACK! On the other hand it doesn't fail to satisfy that B-rated craving, y'knowwhatImean?

Do NOT expect amazing dialogue. Do NOT expect great cinematography. Do expect to see a mash-up of Blade (1 and 3, never 2...that doesn't exist, that peice of filth) and anything starring Jay and Silent Bob though.

"Shit fuck..penis!" is pretty much the extent of some of the character's dialogue. And you know what? I'll just chill back with my Bachelor Chow, turn the volume up and laugh like a moron, 'cuz it's just that kind of movie you enjoy when yer relaxin' with your homeboys not looking for anything cerbreal or noteworthy.

You just want to watch a stupid movie that's prue fucking awesome.

Hell, I remember it with much more kindness than I do Ninjas Versus Aliens...and I didn't mind NVA THAT much either~!



Okay, I was readin' over some of the comments...and there's a point there. I like this movie for the same reason why I like the Kwoon "series"...it's porno-level goodness without the porn. If porno producers tried to make a action flick, a real movie, without porn stars or starlets (well, three or four...maybe five...okay, seven....okay, nevermind any kind of defense - they ALL look like they could be low-budget porno actors/actresses) this is what you'd get.

Now, I almost forgot...I have recently FINALLY watched what has to be one of the most amazing films in Rutger Hauer's career.

I won't give away anything, because I cannot. Once you know of the title, you'll know exactly why.

I'm talking about Hobo With A Shotgun.



Fuck you man, this is the greatest movie EVER made! All the awesomeness of 80's cheese, a cavalcade of sheer violence...and so many anatomically incorrect kills and breaks that it's just...wow.

I cannot honestly say that you should watch this ENOUGH. You should. If you're a violence hound, you WILL!

Sorry for the short post, I've just gotten somewhat REALLY busy as of late, and figured it's best to have three offerings up rather than nothing, right? Right!

SO, here's the list (for those of you who just scrolled down to here):

Gor
Feed
Ninjas Versus Vampires

There ya go~! Just plug that into yer Netflix search and enjoy the good stuff, eh? One afternoon of guaranteed time wasted yet enjoyed~!

'Til next time, kiddies!

Monday, August 8, 2011

WTF Netflix?! - SPOILERS ALART!

That's right, it's time for bloopers, blunders, and persistent bowel movements that Netflix has to offer.

It's time for "WTF Netflix?!"

Okay, so to divine is err what is forgiveness human. You heard me. Every company, whether new or having been around, is allowed a mistake every now and then. When it persists though, they should be beaten and purged from the strata of society. Some of these issues still persist today, despite our (and others) complaints. Some are just downright fucking awful, and Netflix should feel bad for having it in their lineup.

Wanna see? Check this out:

1) KAMINA DIIIIIIES! Episode 8's major fuckup. Okay, there's this anime that is truly top 10 god tier awesome by the name of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. It's got TOOOONS of action, the prerequisite amount of Gainaxing and bewbs, a time skip and quite a few unexpected (but awesome) twists. And everything keeps getting BIGGER AND FUCKING BIGGER. Plus, more drills. Also, YOURS IS THE DRILL THAT PIERCES THE HEAVENS! And plenty of BELIEVE IN ME WHO BELIEVES IN YOU!

Lots of KICK REASON TO THE CURB and ROW ROW FIGHT THA POWAH!

So, naturally I fucking love this show.

NOW, it takes a bit of persuasion (coughcoughPEERPRESSUREcoughcough) to get my partner in crime to check it out with me, right? I mean I love it so much, I wanna share it with the one person I love that much in the whole world who ain't myself or my left hand.

Side note: remember kids, left hand is for "love," right hand is "hate."

Anyway, so she gets into it after a small while and is really enjoyin' the cruisin', right? All is great...until episode 8.

SPOILER ALART: Kamina fucking dies in episode 8. Now, this is an INCREDIBLY (depending on your viewpoint) important plot point, one that peppers the entire series from then on. The man is, in fact, larger in death than he was in life.

It also comes as a complete shock for those who watch this series for the first time.

Netflix streaming episode 8...is actually episode 9. And Kamina's unsuspected death is BLARED OUT RIGHT THERE IN THE OPENING FUCKING RECAP!

Now my PIC is pissed out of her mind and, honestly, so am I. I'll hopefully get to talk her into watching it with me again from a much more trusted source (DEEVEEDEEEE) but we'll see. So yeah, thanks Netflix...

2) Golgo 13 Season 2 = Honey and Clover Season 2. Apparently someone in Netflix thinks the adventures of the greatest assassin the world has ever seen, famed for pulling off impossible shots like someone popping a single guy in a helicopter by firing through the only two windows that line up between two buildings while on top of and towards the back of a hangar, also happens to be the weird coming-of-age story of a group of artists (and I think a musician, or am I confusing it with Canta...whatever it is Nodame?) in college and their adventures with a teenaged artist of genius level. Their stresses and every day discoveries is, apparently, on par with a man who kills human beings with ice cold efficiency bordering on O.C.D. and bangs every single fucking thing that has a hole (seriously, Golgo 13 fucks as much as Rick Rude, apparently).

Doesn't even matter if it's warm or not. Oh those crazy artistic types...

Hell, compare for yourself! The promo for Golgo 13: The Professional (the 1980's animated film, but really the material is the same...if not less focus on tits)



versus Honey and Clover:



Yes, so very similar those two titles are...

3) Thankskilling. WHYYYY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! AT LEAST SANTAS SLAY WAS FUCKING ENTERTAINING!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!! GIVE ME MY TWO HOURS BACK, GIVE IT BACK!!!!

4) Thor Almighty. I actually thought his was the recent Thor movie that was in theaters...until I watched it. I woke up fifteen minutes into the movie and turned it off. Fucking Syfy original films...and, while we're on the subject:

5) ANYTHING from Syfy Original movies (outside of Martian Chronicles - that's fucking awesome.) You should all be aware that I have spotted one of those Megapython versus Jump the Shark movies on the listing. You should be aware that Syfy Original Movies is the worst thing to happen to cinematography since Ed Woods. At least Ed Woods is a fucking cult icon nowadays...

6) Merlin. No, seriously, there's this movie mini-series called Merlin that was a wondrous retelling of the Merlin mythos post-Arther saga. It was absolutely amazing with its' B+-rated special effects, believable casting (hey, fuck you, I dig the people they chose!) and awesome narrative.

Then there's Merlin: Book of Beasts. Everything I said about the mini-series is the complete opposite with this horrid HORRID piece of horrible. I can't even knock this movie enough, it's that..just...ugh. The dialogue sucks, the battles were made for a musical apparently, the fucking ACCENTS...I like accents. I really dig accents. Nothin's hotter then a chick/dude/trap rubbing up against ya on a hot sweaty day wearing nothing but a bathing suit and whispering sweet nothings from another language in yer oh-so-clean ear.

Your ear BETTER be clean. Mine always is (twice a day~!), y'knowwhatI'msayin'?

Anyway, I dig chicks with British accents. I dig chicks with Scottish accents. I dig chicks with Irish accents.

These are the accents of such locales only when produced by a complete and utter derp.

I'm actually exaggerating a little, they're not that bad...just unbearable to hear.

7) Screwing around with their payment plans and offerings. I know it's a little thing ultimately, but we JUST JOINED Netflix, like, four months ago or something and y'know what?! Fuck you, we JUST joined and NOW you change on us? Story of my life, man. Naturally we're with the Streaman Master Race. It's a sure-fire win~!

Next on Netflix This! (yes you have to have the exclamation point there, it's part of the goddamn title godommot fronk) I slobber all over what has to be one of the most incredible grindhouse-style (TOTALLY exploitative, bro!) movies ever made this side of our century. I also throw out a couple of good movies you should really stream and watch if, for no other reason, than to say that you saw somethin' good in the evening after work.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Really this is more an excuse to tell you 'bout Needless rather than being Weeaboo Tiem again...

Oh god, OH GOD Needless.

You may not be into anime, in fact...you might hate it. But if you're that type of person who hates anime but happened to secretly like the anime "Teppo Tengen Gurren Lagann," then do I got one that's right up your alley!

Battles, martial arts madness all over the fucking place, POWERFUL POWERRRRRS, MY POWER IS GREATER THAN YOURS IS-an, and tons upon tons of tits and ass.

This is basically distilled S.Cry.Ed (for those who have read the manga, it's practically the fucking same) with more lesbionic teenaged chicks. Hell, they even call themselves "The Beautiful Girls Squad," and the sheer amount of delicious peaches rubbing together is fuckin' phenomenal! Nothin' too x-rated, hell not even r-rated really...but man, NC-17 to the friggin' maximum.

In b4 "THEY'RE LESBIANS THEY DON'T LIKE GUYS" everyone likes everyone. Also in b4 depraved bisexual.

Suffice it to say, the over-the-top vidyuh game style battles is what gets me so goin' on about this show, ESPECIALLY what they do upon defeating someone. JUDGEMENT: EXECUTION indeed!

Well, just take a look for your goddamned self, it's fuckin' awesome!



Okay, so you're not into J-Rock? Plus I gotta admit, that's less a trailer and more just a bunch of shots strewn together with the first seasons opening song playin'...so perhaps a bit more is needed to slake your curiosity? Here's episode 1 on Youtube:



MAN, it completely sucks balls that this is only two seasons long...and the entirety of the second season takes place in the main badguy's tower. But hey, if you can put up with fifty episodes for one power-up at Namek on DBZ, then you can put up with this shit...especially with all the fuckin' battles, no filler.

Just pure fuckin' banghead-hard violence with no excuses beyond "I'm gonna KILL this fucker!"

Or am I gettin' it confused with one of my own stories? Oh well...

So I've been keepin' it reaaaally classy as fuck as of late, watchin' this anime series loosely (actually, a lot more than they suggest) based on La Comte de Monte Cristo called "Gankutsuou." If you've read either the Count of Monte Christo or have seen the Johnny Derp version of Sweeney Todd, then you know damn well what the plot is: dude gets conspired against and is thrown into a (intergalactic) prison under false charges, while his conspirators each profit greatly from his downfall and rise up the ranks of Parisian noble society...especially his best friend, who tells the man's fiancee that he has died and, in her sadness and despair, she marries the best friend instead, the friend who has always coveted her since the three were friends as children.

BUT, the story doesn't end there! After ten long years the man, imprisoned yet innocent of his crimes, sells his soul to a demonic creature who ALSO was held at that intergalactic prison and in exchange for granting him invulnerability, strength of will and power the man will give Gankutsuou his body and soul.

What unravels from there is a WONDERFUL piece of drama that is immeasurably powerful, truly the fucked up goings-ons of those with too much power and not enough sensibility (let alone morals) and vengeance.

Sheer, beautiful vengeance.

The drama is brilliant, the parallels to it's source material (The Count of Monte Christo, have you read it? By Alexander Dumas? Go read it right now if you haven't, then thank me) is far closer than a simple "loosely based on" merits. I swear certain scenes were taken right from the book, and handled beautifully. Even more so, the art style they chose uses this layered-on photoshop of what I would at least consider to be highest quality, if anything because of how visually striking it makes everything look. It's almost like watching living murals at times, much in the same way I've said happens in Soul Taker (not that crappy movie that got destroyed by MST3K but, rather, the anime that I swear to God defined my way of thinking about story presentation during 2001-2005) what-with all the murals and the mind-trippiness of the beauty...

Now, while we're on the subject of amazing works of animated stories, I've recently stumbled over this series called The Guin Saga. It's pure, hard fantasy in the same sense of Record of Lodoss War and Rune Soldier, or even Bastard!! (one of my all-time faves, both manga and anime), but it stars the titular Guin, a powerful warrior of hand-to-hand as well as swordfighting prowess. A battle strategist unparalleled, he also has laser-targeted amnesia like a motherfucker and only actually remembers that his name is Guin and the word "Aurra." He also has a leopard's head. Not a leopardskin over his head, his head is a fuckin' leopard's head. Despite this he has the body of a human and just, overall, seems to be under a curse.

It actually starts with the invasion of Parros, a city that has long since gone soft without having to fight, by their neighboring country, intent on killing their king, queen and the "Twin Pearls of Parros," a pair of twins with rather notable abilities and powers. The young twins are teleported out of there by this Tower of Jannis (or however ya spell that) and instead of being sent towards their loving aunt (a ruler of yet another country) and protection they are instead, buffeted by the winds of fate (so it would seem in the manga, not that I've read it) they're sent dead into the heart of their neighbor country, ten days ride in over a few seconds.

There they run into immediate trouble with a guard post...and the freshly awakened Guin who proceeds to wreck their shit with pure, open-handed violence.

From there they go on to acquire a monkey-girl princess and a mercenary swordsman with a sixth sense for danger (apparently if he disappears, you know trouble's about to hit).

Y'now, fuck the rest of the shit: it's all about watching what amounts to a fantasy-version of King (or Armor King) beat the crap out of everyone he comes across, and even if he seems to comply and simply goes along with things it's only because he's going to allow you to rope him and the kids up...and he'll beat your shit down later.

Seriously, he's such an amazing fighter it practically dwarfs the amazing storytelling, characterization and interactions not to mention this wonderfully fantasy world...

Well, you get the point.

The entire anime (24 episodes when, apparently, there's like 600 fucking volumes for the manga!) is made of pure Tekken boner and badassed bravery. If you don't like that or hardcore fantasy, you should stay FAAAR away from this one!

BEWARE, no english in this trailer:



So let's summarize with this list of stuff to watch! Just plug this into yer search bar:

Needless (YOU NEED TO SEE THIS! Serious, Masami Ohbari weeps with pride for this 'un!)
Gankutsuou
The Guin Saga

There! Now THAT is more than enough to eat up an evening or three! Next post I'm gonna have a mixed bag, namely this Dutch little animated flick that's just pure fucked-upness...it's like Pretty Woman if it wasn't a peice of celluloid fantastical bullshit.

You heard me...I friggin' hate Julia Roberts. Horse-faced sallow-chested whorebeast...how can ANY of you think she's hot? Then again I say the same damn thing about every single chick in Sex and the City, even Kim Catrell!

Heather Locklear though, NOW we're talkin'!!!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Do I have a treat for YOU!

I'm sorry, Uwe Boll.

There, I said it. I never thought I WOULD, especially after the travesty he's made of certain other video game-to-movie movies (BLOODRAYNECOUGHCOUGHHOUSEOFTHEDEADOHGODCOUGH), not to mention that cute little stunt he pulled awhile back where he got into a boxing ring with certain loud-mouthed e-celebrities and some teenaged twink listening to the Conan the Barbarian soundtrack. I missed out on that, and I consider myself to be quite the Icky Ballz hater.

Like, seriously.

Then...I watched Postal. I did it for a lark. I did it for the pure random chaosness of me actually watching an Uwe Boll movie.

I am sorry, Uwe Boll. Postal is a masterpiece of lowbrow humor. It is TRULY south park the live action movie. It is everything wonderful about dick and fart jokes, the very same ones I fell in love with in the View Askew universe. It is amazing scenes of gunplay and violence, and nonsensical relationships between George Dubyah Bush and Osama Bin Laden. It is explosives, a legion of monkeys raping Vern Troyer, and...

and I haven't even scratched the surface of the experience that is Postal.

Uwe Boll, I thank you for being the bigger (hehehheheh, yeah, sure) man in this situation and I thank you for accepting my apologies. Now never again make movies like Bloodrayne and House of the Dead, and I will forget that I ever swore to stalk and murder you for what you've done to the world of cinema: lowering the bar forevermore.

Now that THAT'S out of the way, shall we continue on with what could possibly be either a night or an entire weekend of awesome for youse guys? Well then, LETS!

Y'know, I like me some asian cinema. Hey, I'll enjoy ANYTHING so long as its' done right, y'knowwhatImean, and ain't some trashy piece of propaganda. Propaganda pisses me off no matter whom it belongs to. Anyway, I dig me some asian movies, y'knowwhatImean? Old Boy, Versus, hell I even like Tokyo Gore Police.

OH GOD WHY DID I BRING UP TOKYO GORE POLICE?!!!

So, here it is: my double offering of asian cinema, a good one and a HOLY FUCKING HELL HIDE YOUR KIDS.

First up is Tokyo Gore Police. Do you NOT know of this movie?! I mean, it's...just fucking amazing. It's not for kids, most adults, hell most things that are sentient. I've NEVER felt brutalized by a movie and I like to think of m'self as being pretty jaded, almost to a psychotic level. I've masturbated to things that would make every last one of you freak out and call the cops upon seeing me.

Then I watched Tokyo Gore Police and now I know why doves cry.

Seriously, the sheer amount of blood, gore, limbs and body parts and torsos being flayed, I mean they even had a flesh chair that pissed on a crowd of people! I've seen that kinda shit in hentai manga (the WORST kind, at that) but seeing it in live-action...just god, I felt like bathing in a tub full of holy water. If there truly is a Hell and any single action or thing you experience will send you there, Tokyo Gore Police is it.

I...did it even have a story? I just remember viscera. Hell, Ichi the Killer is tame by comparison.

ON THE OTHER HAND I gotta point out to y'all that most of the actual "death" moments are pretty fucking adorable. Old skool muppet movies (with the real puppets, not the CGI bullshit nowadays) have better effects. At least, y'know...the moment of death doesn't LOOK like a human being died, just a paper mache head...kinda. It's not THAT bad, but it's less considering how much gore and blood is splashed about.

Nowhere near as bad as The Story of Ricki-Oh (OH HOW I WISH NETFLIX HAD THIS!), y'knowwhatImean?

Anyway, suffice it to say it's a dystopian future (ain't they all?) where cops are privatized and apparently rule the streets. A guy called the Keymaster is running around implanting "keys" into people that mutates them upon their taking a wound (even a death-dealing one), usually into weapons that mirror what their favorite method of killing happens to be.

And THEEEEN there's the commercials. I will never see wrist-cutting as cute again. Not even Vampire Girl versus Frankenstein Girl made wrist-cutting seem...cute.

Fucking Japan...

AND THEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SPECTRUM is The Good, The Bad, The Weird. Y'know, I still have yet to see Sukiyaki Wester Jango, but I'm fairly certain it's like this film. A seriously spaghetti western (GIVE YER PROPS TO SERGIO LEONE GODAMMIT HE MADE FILMS THAT WERE GOOD) with a splash of good Asiatic cinematic sensibilities, it's all about trains, train robbers, and brutal killers.

Seriously, check this intro:



So yeah, you've got the one guy who is a brutal killer who is sicced on the train for a particular map to a treasure. It also happens to have been robbed by a rather efficient, somewhat eccentric and oddball train robber who has already made quick work of the place and is looking at gettin' pinned down by the murderer and his gang of killers. THEN you got the bounty hunter who is after said gang of murderers.

THEN there's the twist ending! No, seriously this is an awesome movie with gunfights, cowboy-isms (well, they don't actively SAY it but y'know...it's there), and badasses aplenty.

Dig it, man.

So I'm watchin' this movie IT IS ABOUT A TIRE THAT CAN EXPLODE THINGS TELEKINETICALLY WITH ITS'...MIND? I GUESS.

Seriously, they even open up with this just amaaaazing line about how great movies have this element of No Reason.

Check the trailer yer damned self:



Remember kids, it's called a postmodern arthouse flick for a reason. This shit is TOO good, strangely enough!

Now, it's time to close with not just one movie, not a series...this is pure amazing. It is the greatest thing I've ever seen, and when I watched some of it I made certain to call my Dad and thank him for introducing me to this when I was younger.

Now, let me preface just a little. Back in the day when the W.W.E. was still called the W.W.F. and SyFy was known as the SciFi channel and they actually played amazing shows instead of fucked up D-rated original movies. Well, SciFi Channel also had a show on it that I had watched earlier as a child but didn't really get into it until I was a teenager. I watched it with my father on those Saturday mornings (normally after cartoons were done, and I didn't even remember THAT until he pointed it out to me in the phone call) and it seems like it's always been in my life for as far back as I can remember.

I'm talking about Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Netflix has what can amount to a veritable PRIDE OF ELEPHANTS TONNAGE of MST3K flicks and in an era where we can only get 'em bootlegged on DVD/VHS (due to all the copyright bullshit) it's completely awesome that you can get MST3K just BAM, like that!!!!

I mean, FUCK YES IT'S MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000!!!!!!! If you REALLY need me to REALLY tell you ANYTHING about Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's this: they have both the Joel AND the Mike eras, just willy-nilly episodes from both of 'em. They GOD I can't even do a proper review of it!

Suffice it to say it's like this:

In the Joel Era, evil mad scientist Dr. Forrester (with his Igor, a pudgy guy named "T.V.'s Frank") hires Joel, some everyguy stoneralike, as a janitor but decides to bonk him out and send him up into space for a series of experiments to show that horrible F-rated movies can destroy a human being, thus making their mind malleable and ripe for enslavement. Joel awakens on the "Satellite of Love," where he constructs what will become his two iconic buddies: Tom Servo (a gumball machine with a small beak, hands, and the ability to "hover" - the fact that he has no legs comes up in quite a few jokes) and Crow T. Robot (oh jesus, how can I describe this guy? A bowling pin with a catcher's mitt...no...uh, crap, just look it up yerself!), two jokers who help him chuckle up and crack wise throughout the movie, thus keeping their sanity.

Most of the time.

He also built Cambot (which is how we're able to see all this) and Gypsy (a giant vacuum cleaner that talks? Jesus I'm off on my descriptions today) to steer the Satellite of Love and handle the important functions of keeping the whole thing working.

After he figured out a way off of the Satellite of Love after so many seasons, he was replaced by a new everyday joker who lacked in the stoner department (despite how many jokes to the contrary are actually made) who also was one of the writers on the show for many years.

Now Mike brought a different set of hilariousness to the whole thing and, admittedly, I remember most of MST3K from his era. That's not to say I don't LIKE the Joel era (I like anything MST3K related, y'knowwhatImean?), but I watched the Mike era first, ergo where my bias lays in the whole "Joel versus Mike" arguments that pop up between nerds on the 'Net.

So suffice it to say, if y'all can't tell how much...just freakin' love I have concerning this series as whole, well there ya go. I can't do it justice, I simply can't, but instead I entreat you to check it out yer damn self and follow up with the guys on Rifftrax since MST3K has been done for years.

Hell, here's a bit of what they're doin' over there at Rifftrax with 10 minutes of their best snarkiness from one of the worst films ever made (FUCK YOU CULTISTS, THIS IS HOW A PROFESSIONAL HATER HATES), The Room.



SO, here's the list for those of you who simply skipped my review and just needs a list of movies to watch for an evening (or a week - there's, like, quite a few MST3K movies there), just types these into yer search bar:

Postal
Tokyo Gore Police
The Good, The Bad, The Weird
Rubber
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (note: they'll all pop up by "science")

Why yes, I AM having a good time laughing like a fucking moron when there's no one around~! And if you check out MST3K, so shall you!!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Oh God ICE PIRATES IN THIS REVIEW!!!!

Yeah, it's from the Netflix DVD (which I'll be choosing to get rid of, unless my Partner in Crime says otherwise) but hey, if yer gonna go out go out with a friggin' bang!

With that said, I made sure to have Ice Pirates at the top of the list~!

Wait, what...you don't know what the hell Ice Pirates is?!

DUDE, what's wrong with you?!! No, no, nonono...it probably wasn't your fault, it's probably your parents fault.

I blame them.

In the meantime, let us go over the WHY you should do your damndest to rent this amazing comedy asap:



Yes, the space goddamn herpes scene. That has stuck with me ever since, like, I was freakin' 8 years old, yo! A lot of this movie is actually kind of a hazy fog of awesome in between scenes of comedy gold that has stuck around in my mind (Like pretty much any Mel Brooks or Leslie Nielsen movie) and...well, you saw it!

Goddamned space herpes, mang!!!

This ranks up there with Airplane in terms of watchability, and you really owe it to yourself to see this amazing '80's gem. Science fiction, slapstick comedy, and awesome costume designs right outta Space Adventure freakin' Cobra. Awesome robots, a young Anjelica Houston, freakin' Ron Perlman (why yes, he happens to be one of my favorite actors of all time) and a dazzlingly "color-blind" cast and crew. This is just one of those movies which actually makes me optimistic towards the future of humanity, especially in the area of race relations and movies are concerned.

It also makes me miss the Mel Brooks philosophy of comedy and movies. I'm just sayin'...

Anyway you should order, rent, or buy this movie. NAO!

Speakin' of which, I really REALLY shouldn't leave you guys without at least a coupla offerings from the streaming side of things.

With that said, it's time to get autismal as fuck with Chocolate!

Now, seriously, Chocolate is about a half-Thai half-Japanese autistic girl named Zen who is raised near a muy thai temple. She has the odd ability to reflexively catch anything that is thrown at her head without looking out of sheer reflex, plus the ability to mimic martial arts techniques and skills she views whether it be in real life, video game, or a movie. Suffice it to say this comes to the fore after her mother falls ill with cancer and she and a boy her mother took in off the streets discover an old booklet with names and figures in it. Basically her mother was a money-lending bullyboy (girl?) for a mobster in her previous life before becoming a stay-at-home single mother, and there's quite a few people out there who still owe her delicious sums of money. So Zen and Moom (the boy her mother rescued from homelessness) hit the streets and, apparently, every single goddamn person who owes her money refuses to pay up without having their collective asses (as well as their henchmen) kicked, all so Zin (Zen's mother) can receive the chemo treatment she so desperately needs.

It's actually quite cute how the autistic Zen views the world and, even more so, whenever she demands for the person to give them money for her mother's medicine. I swear to God, I grew to love that adorable little autistic, if for nothing else her voice and speech patterns.

Starring Tony Jaa: Martial Arts Jesus via movie shots of Ong Bak and The Protector Zen watches and, presumably, learns the majority of her skills. Now admittedly the woman playing Zen DOES do a great job whuppin' ass, and the fight scenes are well choreographed. My favorite, above all?

Holy fucking shit, autistic versus full-body Tourette's in a battle worthy of any Cripple Fight sequence!!!!



DUUUUDE, DID YOU SEE THAT? CRIPPLE FUCKING FIGHT!!! Suffice it to say, I was making that HAR-RAR sound for, like, two days after watching this!!!!

I've got some more good stuff comin' atcha in awhile, but first you really owe it to yourself to acquire and watch Ice Pirates then go get your retard on with Chocolate.

Seriously, I haven't troll-danced THIS hard since I watched this damn show!!!!

In b4 a bunch of pissed-off people message me about how offended they are. YOUR TEARS R DELISHUS!!!

Streaming and/or Instant Watching: Chocolate (funny story, it's also known as Fury in its' original title)
DVD: Ice Pirates

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

You. Yes you! WATCH MORE 80's MOVIES!!!!

Oh god, what do you mean you weren't born before 1990? How in the hell what is this I don't even...it's all your fault and you should feel bad for never having seen these movies.

With THAT said, let's rectify your graven sin by whipping up a list with a short synopsis for each one and why your soul will be enlightened by watching each movie~!

IT'S 80'S BLOWOUT TIEM!!!

Robocop - oh jesus why are you even asking me why you should watch this? A guy gets covered in acid then splattered after getting run over by a car. GUNS GUNS GUNS everywhere. Awesomest scenes of violence EVERYWHAR. Violent black people before Thug Life made it cool, and being cool before Thug Life and the leftist media made it cool. Plus he is a cop who is also a robot who is also a awesome father figure for anyone who has ever loved Charlton Heston. Robocop is the pride of America and dystopian futures everywhere.

The Golden Child - Eddie Murphy is an amazing actor. He could be a child-molesting serial killer for all we know, I will honestly forgive him simply because he was in The Golden Child. A rollicking romp that takes his character from America to Asia to dreamscapes to...well, you'd have to see it to believe it. 80's style martial artistry and choreography abound, and Eddie Murphy cracking wise every three seconds makes it fucking awesome. An actual, y'know, STORYLINE also complements what SHOULD be in your top ten films. Fuck your indie-loving hatred, it should be.

Pray for Death - God, even the name Sho Kosugi promises you that it's going to be a subpar NINJAS movie from the '80's. Watch it simply for street cred amongst Sho Kosugi buffs. Even the MUSIC is straight outta the '80's. Also untranslated Japanese because, y'know, back in the '80's they were all mystical and stuff. I still blame Karate Kid for that kind of shit. Dude, Sho's character's wife in the movie LOOKS black, but really she's just '80's asian. Honestly, if you have time to watch Pray for Death may I suggest a cooler martial arts film or two for ya? Go look up The Streetfighter, Return of The Streetfighter, then Sister Streetfighter. You may then thank me for sharing with you Terry Tsurugi's rage. Seriously, that guy's pissed off even when he's mackin' out with chicks.

Dreamscape - OH GOD OH GOD NIGHTMARES EVERYWHERE OH GOD I WAS EIGHT WHEN I FIRST SAW THIS MOVIE WHAT THE FUCK MOM AND DAD THIS MOVIE IS FUCKED BEYOND ALL COMPARE YOU SHOULD WATCH IT IT'S A GOOD HORROR FILM WITH NIGHTMARES EVERYWHERE AND A FUCKING SNAKE MAN HOLY SHIT HE'S A GODDAMN MAN WHO IS ALSO A SNAKE WHO IS ALSO A DREAMWEAVER SHITSHITSHIT

The Omega Man - speakin' 'bout Charlton Heston, I know it's actually made during the 70's (like Planet of the Apes and such), but man...The Omega Man is awe-inspiring in its' awesomeness, and you do not deserve to call yourself a movie buff if you haven't seen it. Go watch it. Right now. Period and fullstop, mah nizzles.

Night of the Comet - 80'S ZOMBIE MOVIES RULES!!!!!!

Midnight Run - Duuuuude, Robert De Niro might have Hollywood issues in real life, but ya gotta admit: the man puts out a good movie. He's right up there with pretty much everyone from Coptown and Joe Pesci in terms of watchability (I can't hear you, haters and critics, I can't hear youuuuu~!), and he really does a great job in Midnight Run. Mainly 'cuz he plays the straight man to Charles Grodin's CONSTANT stream of speech. Just good shit.

Conan the Destroyer - why isn't Conan the Barbarian amongst their stream list?! Oh well, you can still enjoy Arnie Baby doing his thing all over the place with Grace Jones, Mako, and others as backup. No, seriously, this is fuckin' awesome shit and you should feel bad if you haven't seen it.

Not to be confused with the recent remake, which I refuse to watch unless I hear the new Conan makes at least one Ahnold "NYAAAAAGHAHAHGHAH" sound.

Highlander 1, 3, and Endgame - Queen did a song for 'em. They feature immortals beheading each other with swords to gain each other's powers. It stars Sean Connery, for the love of God! Why are you making me write anymore 'bout this, go watch! Fun story: Highlander 2 is only available on DVD. Lol netflix.

Highlander the T.V. Series - 119 episodes. Period. I know, I know, 1992 != 1980's, but Highlander WAS mentioned...and you young'un's can get a chance to watch how televised entertainment SHOULD be done. Seriously. 119 episodes. Holy fucking shit.

Krull - Oh hell, this is just pure hardcore fantasy fun until the ending. Gotta warn you, if you actually intellectualize (yes I made that word up yes it's my word now) movies, yer gonna fucking hate the ending. BUUUUUT, c'mon: cyclopses, fire-hooved horses that fly on trails of their own flame, fantastic monstrosities and humans being midrange in everything. Time to get yer DnD on.

Ladyhawke - alongside Krull this makes up two of the greatest 80's fantasies, like, evar. At least this side of Red Sonja and Conan. Even more hardcore fantasy based than Krull, and it features an incredibly young Matthew Broderick back when he was a wonderful human being rather than the Matthew Broderick of today who is a wonderful human being and relatively unknown. No, seriously, it also starts Rutger Hauer (MAH NIGGA!) and Michelle Pfieffer...uh, woah, nevermind a joke I actually spelled her last name right the first time!

Anyway, some stuff happens, a knight with a female hawk but he turns into a wolf when she turns into a woman at night and vice versa by day, some more stuff happens swordsswordsswords knightsknightsknights lawful stupid knights priests aaaaaand magic. Go watch this movie.

Waxwork 1 and 2 - Honestly, you should only watch 1 simply so 2 makes more sense. Even then, Waxwork 2 will not make that much sense (or at least, only in a loose WOOOOOAH '80's sense) and certainly only has the absolute most barest ties to Waxwork 1.

In the meantime, enjoy lol '80's horror at it's fines and most lulzy!

Little Shop of Horrors - HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS AWESOME MUSICAL STARRING RICK MORANIS AND MORE TALENT THAN YOU CAN SHAKE YOUR NON-EXISTENT DICK AT?!!! Fuck you, go watch this. NOW!!!!

See No Evil, Hear No Evil - Alongside awesome Mel Brooks films, I was also raised watching Richard Pryor/Gene Wilder flicks. This definitely ranks at the top (alongside The Toy which, sadly, suffers from a distinct lack of Gene Wilder who is the most delightful human being ever to have existed. Motherfucker was Willy Wonka, yo.) of the Richard Pryor films you should have been shown had your parents had any balls, and you would have finally grown up to become the man you always wanted to be.

The time is now, my friend! Go watch this and enjoy the laughs.

The Horror Show - A personal ultimate fave, I watched this the same time I saw Cyborg (Jean Claude Van Damme's finest offering, in my opinion) and this still strikes me as being a most excellent horror action film. I have a mancrush on Lance Henriksen, and it's awesome beyond words to see Brion James hamming it up and proving that he can mainline a villain role with the best of 'em. Dude's basically my Maximum Krieg character with a hatchet. Plus he keeps screaming "LUCAAAAAAAS!" with such gusto that I can do nothing less than stand and applaud every time he does it (er, the name of Lance Henriksen's detective character who put him away). I mean, seriously...the only complaint I have is that this movie could use some more HEADBUTT.

Then again there's a lot of movies that could use more HEADBUTT...seriously.

Howard the Duck - Sure, it stank up the reviewers like a bowl full of rotten meat. Sure comic fanboys hated this movie with a burning blind passion of the Christ. BUT this was the first time I saw non-human bewbies and, y'know, LIKED it and to this day I still have fond memories of this movie simply for that and Lea Thompson. OH, and it also has Jeffrey Jones playing a Zuul-tastic alien outsider of some sort...y'know, nevermind that. It's Jeffrey Jones being allowed to let the hamcat out of the bag, and just literally hambeasts greater than any movie he's ever been in, and that's considering both Stay Tuned AND The Pest. That awesome, amazing actor-pervert~!

So there you have it. The first list of awesome '80's movies you should have watched but for some grievous error have not. Now you might be going "HEEEEEY, Bastard, where is ? That was a GREAT movie!"

Yeahyeahyeah, this is just the first list - as long as it's on Netflix streamin', I'll make certain to add it to the next list, yah? Here's to the severe hope that they have Trading Places and Big Trouble In Little China on there by then~! Not to mention The Pest...not that The Pest is an '80's movie, but as anyone who actually knows me already knows I'm a huge freakin' John Leguizamo fan.

Even To Wong Foo, and I frikkin' hated To Wong Foo~!

Er, where was I? Oh yeah, THE LIST:

Robocop
The Golden Child
Pray for Death
Dreamscape
The Omega Man
Night of the Comet
Midnight Run
Conan the Destroyer
Highlander 1, 3, Endgame, the t.v. series
Krull
Ladyhawke
Waxwork 1 and 2
Little Shop of Horrors
See No Evil, Hear No Evil
The Horror Show
Howard The Duck

Next post Imma gonna go after some NINJAS!!!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Weeaboo Tiem~!

Why hello there, cutie pie~! For those who simply enjoy anime, are hardcore weeaboo or just want to watch sumfin' differ'nt, do I have a coupla awesome entries for YOU to check out!

Do you like horror? Do you like zombies? Do you like zombie hotties that kill other zombies? Then check out the ENTIRE SERIES of Corpse Princess. Seriously, corpse chicks ranging from a cute loli to a buxom boxer (HNNNNNNG!) battling horrific zombie creazoids in order to gain their way into heaven. Dark secrets and twists abound in this 26-episodic yarn. Go on and give it a shot, yah?

Do you like demons? How about xbawks hueg bewbs, a strangely j-poppy soundtrack, little sister lounging in lingerie syndromes (prepare for ONI-CHAAAAN voices), and ONLY SWORDS CAN KILL THEM?! Tokko (with the accent-bar thing over the second o), the entire series. Me personally, I happen to like cop shows (i.e. - Bubblegum Crisis, A.D. Police old skool and the revisit, ROBOCOP, etc.) and this pulls it off pretty well amidst the whole DEMONS and what-not. It's nowhere near Genocyber or Urotsukidoji levels of gorn, but there's quite a bit of viscera and blood splashing around and it should, in the very least, satisfy the cop-freak and action-buff in ya. Hell, it even pulls off enough perv to at least quench yer lust for a bit. At 13 episodes you should eat it up in a coupla days.

I COULD go into detail about these two series, but really wouldn't that destroy the whole idea of watchin' these yerself?!

Just enter this into your search bar:
Corpse Princess (volumes 1 and 2 will show up)
Tokko

Hell, for a palate cleanser why don't you go watch Robocop? What do you mean you haven't seen Robocop?!!

OH SHIT SON NEXT IT'S OLD SKOOL MOVIE BLOWOUT TIEM~!!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Horror 101: Phantasm 1-4!

Just like the title suggest, it's Horror 101 time! The Tall Man can never be stopped, and those damn midget corpses are all over the place! So what should you watch tonight?

May I suggest Phantasm I - IV?

A quick synopsis of each one:

Phantasm 1: Reggie the Ice Cream Man makes Reggie's Shotgun. 1970's horror never looked so good. First sighting of The Tall Man and killer flying silver balls. Also, midget corpses. Midget corpses EVERYWHERE! Also, Reality Reboot. YOU CAN NEVER DEFEAT THE TALL MAN! Did I mention the first time The Tall Man kills someone, he's just freshly fucked some guy as a statuesque blonde? That's how the movie STARTS! Go watch this movie, now.

Phantasm II: Reggie gets laid, gets into a chainsaw duel, and there's multiple types of those flying silver balls. Fuck year chainsaw duel!

Phantasm III (Lord of the Dead): Fuckin' A, Reggie's a certified and certifiable badass. Didn't he die once before? Motherfucker's the fuckin' Determinator - he can never diiiiie! More flying silver balls that kill people. More abilities for said flying silver balls. More midgets, there was a strange lack of midget corpses in the second movie...

Phantasm IV (oblIVon, did you see what they did there?!): Really, it's just more of Reggie The Ice Cream Man being a badass. Jesus fucking christ, this guy is cooler than Zap Rowsdower.

So there ya go! Four incredible movies, but no fifth sadly enough. Wait, the fifth one DOES exist, y'know?

Gah, am I the only motherfucker to have seen it...or am I confusing it for the equally badassed fourth?

Bah, go watch some movies.

Remember kids: never trust flying silver balls. All they want to do is get up in your face and drill your brains out.

SWEEP THE LEEEEG!

No, seriously, you need to watch the following set of martial-arts movies on Netflix. Why? Because you yourself have no fucking clue what to watch:

Ip Man
Ip Man 2
Ong Bak 2
Ong Bak 3

Now, Ong Bak 1 can be easily ordered via DVD, but by now you've probably already seen it.

Now, I haven't seen Ip Man 2 yet, but Ip Man 1 wasn't bad...and the Ong Bak's are less "Ong Bak" and more "Lightly Tied To The Original Ong Bak Movie Since It's About His Past Life" or something.

Seriously, all you have to worry 'bout is that it is further proof that Tony Jaa is the Martial Arts Messiah. Instead of focusing on his stellar Muy Thai work, it follows his character Tien through betrayal and breakage and delicious vengeance as he becomes a Weapon Master, a brutal killing machine alongside his fellow compatriots known as "The Outlaws of Garuda Wing Cliff." Trained and tested in martial arts and weapons, the fighting is a mere backdrop to the drama inlaid so nicely within the storyline...seriously, after awhile it struck me as secondary to the storyline itself.

Not that the fighting wasn't fuckin' awesome - I mean, c'mon, it's Tony Jaa: Martial Arts Jesus. Hell, the dude's even sports the Jesus full beard after awhile.

Altogether, you can't go wrong with awesome employed violence: these four movies are guaranteed to eat up your afternoon and give ya some awesome dinnertime entertainment.

Information current as of 7/13/11.

Next up: Phantasm! Like...all of 'em! Seriously!!!