Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Do I have a treat for YOU!

I'm sorry, Uwe Boll.

There, I said it. I never thought I WOULD, especially after the travesty he's made of certain other video game-to-movie movies (BLOODRAYNECOUGHCOUGHHOUSEOFTHEDEADOHGODCOUGH), not to mention that cute little stunt he pulled awhile back where he got into a boxing ring with certain loud-mouthed e-celebrities and some teenaged twink listening to the Conan the Barbarian soundtrack. I missed out on that, and I consider myself to be quite the Icky Ballz hater.

Like, seriously.

Then...I watched Postal. I did it for a lark. I did it for the pure random chaosness of me actually watching an Uwe Boll movie.

I am sorry, Uwe Boll. Postal is a masterpiece of lowbrow humor. It is TRULY south park the live action movie. It is everything wonderful about dick and fart jokes, the very same ones I fell in love with in the View Askew universe. It is amazing scenes of gunplay and violence, and nonsensical relationships between George Dubyah Bush and Osama Bin Laden. It is explosives, a legion of monkeys raping Vern Troyer, and...

and I haven't even scratched the surface of the experience that is Postal.

Uwe Boll, I thank you for being the bigger (hehehheheh, yeah, sure) man in this situation and I thank you for accepting my apologies. Now never again make movies like Bloodrayne and House of the Dead, and I will forget that I ever swore to stalk and murder you for what you've done to the world of cinema: lowering the bar forevermore.

Now that THAT'S out of the way, shall we continue on with what could possibly be either a night or an entire weekend of awesome for youse guys? Well then, LETS!

Y'know, I like me some asian cinema. Hey, I'll enjoy ANYTHING so long as its' done right, y'knowwhatImean, and ain't some trashy piece of propaganda. Propaganda pisses me off no matter whom it belongs to. Anyway, I dig me some asian movies, y'knowwhatImean? Old Boy, Versus, hell I even like Tokyo Gore Police.

OH GOD WHY DID I BRING UP TOKYO GORE POLICE?!!!

So, here it is: my double offering of asian cinema, a good one and a HOLY FUCKING HELL HIDE YOUR KIDS.

First up is Tokyo Gore Police. Do you NOT know of this movie?! I mean, it's...just fucking amazing. It's not for kids, most adults, hell most things that are sentient. I've NEVER felt brutalized by a movie and I like to think of m'self as being pretty jaded, almost to a psychotic level. I've masturbated to things that would make every last one of you freak out and call the cops upon seeing me.

Then I watched Tokyo Gore Police and now I know why doves cry.

Seriously, the sheer amount of blood, gore, limbs and body parts and torsos being flayed, I mean they even had a flesh chair that pissed on a crowd of people! I've seen that kinda shit in hentai manga (the WORST kind, at that) but seeing it in live-action...just god, I felt like bathing in a tub full of holy water. If there truly is a Hell and any single action or thing you experience will send you there, Tokyo Gore Police is it.

I...did it even have a story? I just remember viscera. Hell, Ichi the Killer is tame by comparison.

ON THE OTHER HAND I gotta point out to y'all that most of the actual "death" moments are pretty fucking adorable. Old skool muppet movies (with the real puppets, not the CGI bullshit nowadays) have better effects. At least, y'know...the moment of death doesn't LOOK like a human being died, just a paper mache head...kinda. It's not THAT bad, but it's less considering how much gore and blood is splashed about.

Nowhere near as bad as The Story of Ricki-Oh (OH HOW I WISH NETFLIX HAD THIS!), y'knowwhatImean?

Anyway, suffice it to say it's a dystopian future (ain't they all?) where cops are privatized and apparently rule the streets. A guy called the Keymaster is running around implanting "keys" into people that mutates them upon their taking a wound (even a death-dealing one), usually into weapons that mirror what their favorite method of killing happens to be.

And THEEEEN there's the commercials. I will never see wrist-cutting as cute again. Not even Vampire Girl versus Frankenstein Girl made wrist-cutting seem...cute.

Fucking Japan...

AND THEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SPECTRUM is The Good, The Bad, The Weird. Y'know, I still have yet to see Sukiyaki Wester Jango, but I'm fairly certain it's like this film. A seriously spaghetti western (GIVE YER PROPS TO SERGIO LEONE GODAMMIT HE MADE FILMS THAT WERE GOOD) with a splash of good Asiatic cinematic sensibilities, it's all about trains, train robbers, and brutal killers.

Seriously, check this intro:



So yeah, you've got the one guy who is a brutal killer who is sicced on the train for a particular map to a treasure. It also happens to have been robbed by a rather efficient, somewhat eccentric and oddball train robber who has already made quick work of the place and is looking at gettin' pinned down by the murderer and his gang of killers. THEN you got the bounty hunter who is after said gang of murderers.

THEN there's the twist ending! No, seriously this is an awesome movie with gunfights, cowboy-isms (well, they don't actively SAY it but y'know...it's there), and badasses aplenty.

Dig it, man.

So I'm watchin' this movie IT IS ABOUT A TIRE THAT CAN EXPLODE THINGS TELEKINETICALLY WITH ITS'...MIND? I GUESS.

Seriously, they even open up with this just amaaaazing line about how great movies have this element of No Reason.

Check the trailer yer damned self:



Remember kids, it's called a postmodern arthouse flick for a reason. This shit is TOO good, strangely enough!

Now, it's time to close with not just one movie, not a series...this is pure amazing. It is the greatest thing I've ever seen, and when I watched some of it I made certain to call my Dad and thank him for introducing me to this when I was younger.

Now, let me preface just a little. Back in the day when the W.W.E. was still called the W.W.F. and SyFy was known as the SciFi channel and they actually played amazing shows instead of fucked up D-rated original movies. Well, SciFi Channel also had a show on it that I had watched earlier as a child but didn't really get into it until I was a teenager. I watched it with my father on those Saturday mornings (normally after cartoons were done, and I didn't even remember THAT until he pointed it out to me in the phone call) and it seems like it's always been in my life for as far back as I can remember.

I'm talking about Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Netflix has what can amount to a veritable PRIDE OF ELEPHANTS TONNAGE of MST3K flicks and in an era where we can only get 'em bootlegged on DVD/VHS (due to all the copyright bullshit) it's completely awesome that you can get MST3K just BAM, like that!!!!

I mean, FUCK YES IT'S MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000!!!!!!! If you REALLY need me to REALLY tell you ANYTHING about Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's this: they have both the Joel AND the Mike eras, just willy-nilly episodes from both of 'em. They GOD I can't even do a proper review of it!

Suffice it to say it's like this:

In the Joel Era, evil mad scientist Dr. Forrester (with his Igor, a pudgy guy named "T.V.'s Frank") hires Joel, some everyguy stoneralike, as a janitor but decides to bonk him out and send him up into space for a series of experiments to show that horrible F-rated movies can destroy a human being, thus making their mind malleable and ripe for enslavement. Joel awakens on the "Satellite of Love," where he constructs what will become his two iconic buddies: Tom Servo (a gumball machine with a small beak, hands, and the ability to "hover" - the fact that he has no legs comes up in quite a few jokes) and Crow T. Robot (oh jesus, how can I describe this guy? A bowling pin with a catcher's mitt...no...uh, crap, just look it up yerself!), two jokers who help him chuckle up and crack wise throughout the movie, thus keeping their sanity.

Most of the time.

He also built Cambot (which is how we're able to see all this) and Gypsy (a giant vacuum cleaner that talks? Jesus I'm off on my descriptions today) to steer the Satellite of Love and handle the important functions of keeping the whole thing working.

After he figured out a way off of the Satellite of Love after so many seasons, he was replaced by a new everyday joker who lacked in the stoner department (despite how many jokes to the contrary are actually made) who also was one of the writers on the show for many years.

Now Mike brought a different set of hilariousness to the whole thing and, admittedly, I remember most of MST3K from his era. That's not to say I don't LIKE the Joel era (I like anything MST3K related, y'knowwhatImean?), but I watched the Mike era first, ergo where my bias lays in the whole "Joel versus Mike" arguments that pop up between nerds on the 'Net.

So suffice it to say, if y'all can't tell how much...just freakin' love I have concerning this series as whole, well there ya go. I can't do it justice, I simply can't, but instead I entreat you to check it out yer damn self and follow up with the guys on Rifftrax since MST3K has been done for years.

Hell, here's a bit of what they're doin' over there at Rifftrax with 10 minutes of their best snarkiness from one of the worst films ever made (FUCK YOU CULTISTS, THIS IS HOW A PROFESSIONAL HATER HATES), The Room.



SO, here's the list for those of you who simply skipped my review and just needs a list of movies to watch for an evening (or a week - there's, like, quite a few MST3K movies there), just types these into yer search bar:

Postal
Tokyo Gore Police
The Good, The Bad, The Weird
Rubber
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (note: they'll all pop up by "science")

Why yes, I AM having a good time laughing like a fucking moron when there's no one around~! And if you check out MST3K, so shall you!!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Oh God ICE PIRATES IN THIS REVIEW!!!!

Yeah, it's from the Netflix DVD (which I'll be choosing to get rid of, unless my Partner in Crime says otherwise) but hey, if yer gonna go out go out with a friggin' bang!

With that said, I made sure to have Ice Pirates at the top of the list~!

Wait, what...you don't know what the hell Ice Pirates is?!

DUDE, what's wrong with you?!! No, no, nonono...it probably wasn't your fault, it's probably your parents fault.

I blame them.

In the meantime, let us go over the WHY you should do your damndest to rent this amazing comedy asap:



Yes, the space goddamn herpes scene. That has stuck with me ever since, like, I was freakin' 8 years old, yo! A lot of this movie is actually kind of a hazy fog of awesome in between scenes of comedy gold that has stuck around in my mind (Like pretty much any Mel Brooks or Leslie Nielsen movie) and...well, you saw it!

Goddamned space herpes, mang!!!

This ranks up there with Airplane in terms of watchability, and you really owe it to yourself to see this amazing '80's gem. Science fiction, slapstick comedy, and awesome costume designs right outta Space Adventure freakin' Cobra. Awesome robots, a young Anjelica Houston, freakin' Ron Perlman (why yes, he happens to be one of my favorite actors of all time) and a dazzlingly "color-blind" cast and crew. This is just one of those movies which actually makes me optimistic towards the future of humanity, especially in the area of race relations and movies are concerned.

It also makes me miss the Mel Brooks philosophy of comedy and movies. I'm just sayin'...

Anyway you should order, rent, or buy this movie. NAO!

Speakin' of which, I really REALLY shouldn't leave you guys without at least a coupla offerings from the streaming side of things.

With that said, it's time to get autismal as fuck with Chocolate!

Now, seriously, Chocolate is about a half-Thai half-Japanese autistic girl named Zen who is raised near a muy thai temple. She has the odd ability to reflexively catch anything that is thrown at her head without looking out of sheer reflex, plus the ability to mimic martial arts techniques and skills she views whether it be in real life, video game, or a movie. Suffice it to say this comes to the fore after her mother falls ill with cancer and she and a boy her mother took in off the streets discover an old booklet with names and figures in it. Basically her mother was a money-lending bullyboy (girl?) for a mobster in her previous life before becoming a stay-at-home single mother, and there's quite a few people out there who still owe her delicious sums of money. So Zen and Moom (the boy her mother rescued from homelessness) hit the streets and, apparently, every single goddamn person who owes her money refuses to pay up without having their collective asses (as well as their henchmen) kicked, all so Zin (Zen's mother) can receive the chemo treatment she so desperately needs.

It's actually quite cute how the autistic Zen views the world and, even more so, whenever she demands for the person to give them money for her mother's medicine. I swear to God, I grew to love that adorable little autistic, if for nothing else her voice and speech patterns.

Starring Tony Jaa: Martial Arts Jesus via movie shots of Ong Bak and The Protector Zen watches and, presumably, learns the majority of her skills. Now admittedly the woman playing Zen DOES do a great job whuppin' ass, and the fight scenes are well choreographed. My favorite, above all?

Holy fucking shit, autistic versus full-body Tourette's in a battle worthy of any Cripple Fight sequence!!!!



DUUUUDE, DID YOU SEE THAT? CRIPPLE FUCKING FIGHT!!! Suffice it to say, I was making that HAR-RAR sound for, like, two days after watching this!!!!

I've got some more good stuff comin' atcha in awhile, but first you really owe it to yourself to acquire and watch Ice Pirates then go get your retard on with Chocolate.

Seriously, I haven't troll-danced THIS hard since I watched this damn show!!!!

In b4 a bunch of pissed-off people message me about how offended they are. YOUR TEARS R DELISHUS!!!

Streaming and/or Instant Watching: Chocolate (funny story, it's also known as Fury in its' original title)
DVD: Ice Pirates

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

You. Yes you! WATCH MORE 80's MOVIES!!!!

Oh god, what do you mean you weren't born before 1990? How in the hell what is this I don't even...it's all your fault and you should feel bad for never having seen these movies.

With THAT said, let's rectify your graven sin by whipping up a list with a short synopsis for each one and why your soul will be enlightened by watching each movie~!

IT'S 80'S BLOWOUT TIEM!!!

Robocop - oh jesus why are you even asking me why you should watch this? A guy gets covered in acid then splattered after getting run over by a car. GUNS GUNS GUNS everywhere. Awesomest scenes of violence EVERYWHAR. Violent black people before Thug Life made it cool, and being cool before Thug Life and the leftist media made it cool. Plus he is a cop who is also a robot who is also a awesome father figure for anyone who has ever loved Charlton Heston. Robocop is the pride of America and dystopian futures everywhere.

The Golden Child - Eddie Murphy is an amazing actor. He could be a child-molesting serial killer for all we know, I will honestly forgive him simply because he was in The Golden Child. A rollicking romp that takes his character from America to Asia to dreamscapes to...well, you'd have to see it to believe it. 80's style martial artistry and choreography abound, and Eddie Murphy cracking wise every three seconds makes it fucking awesome. An actual, y'know, STORYLINE also complements what SHOULD be in your top ten films. Fuck your indie-loving hatred, it should be.

Pray for Death - God, even the name Sho Kosugi promises you that it's going to be a subpar NINJAS movie from the '80's. Watch it simply for street cred amongst Sho Kosugi buffs. Even the MUSIC is straight outta the '80's. Also untranslated Japanese because, y'know, back in the '80's they were all mystical and stuff. I still blame Karate Kid for that kind of shit. Dude, Sho's character's wife in the movie LOOKS black, but really she's just '80's asian. Honestly, if you have time to watch Pray for Death may I suggest a cooler martial arts film or two for ya? Go look up The Streetfighter, Return of The Streetfighter, then Sister Streetfighter. You may then thank me for sharing with you Terry Tsurugi's rage. Seriously, that guy's pissed off even when he's mackin' out with chicks.

Dreamscape - OH GOD OH GOD NIGHTMARES EVERYWHERE OH GOD I WAS EIGHT WHEN I FIRST SAW THIS MOVIE WHAT THE FUCK MOM AND DAD THIS MOVIE IS FUCKED BEYOND ALL COMPARE YOU SHOULD WATCH IT IT'S A GOOD HORROR FILM WITH NIGHTMARES EVERYWHERE AND A FUCKING SNAKE MAN HOLY SHIT HE'S A GODDAMN MAN WHO IS ALSO A SNAKE WHO IS ALSO A DREAMWEAVER SHITSHITSHIT

The Omega Man - speakin' 'bout Charlton Heston, I know it's actually made during the 70's (like Planet of the Apes and such), but man...The Omega Man is awe-inspiring in its' awesomeness, and you do not deserve to call yourself a movie buff if you haven't seen it. Go watch it. Right now. Period and fullstop, mah nizzles.

Night of the Comet - 80'S ZOMBIE MOVIES RULES!!!!!!

Midnight Run - Duuuuude, Robert De Niro might have Hollywood issues in real life, but ya gotta admit: the man puts out a good movie. He's right up there with pretty much everyone from Coptown and Joe Pesci in terms of watchability (I can't hear you, haters and critics, I can't hear youuuuu~!), and he really does a great job in Midnight Run. Mainly 'cuz he plays the straight man to Charles Grodin's CONSTANT stream of speech. Just good shit.

Conan the Destroyer - why isn't Conan the Barbarian amongst their stream list?! Oh well, you can still enjoy Arnie Baby doing his thing all over the place with Grace Jones, Mako, and others as backup. No, seriously, this is fuckin' awesome shit and you should feel bad if you haven't seen it.

Not to be confused with the recent remake, which I refuse to watch unless I hear the new Conan makes at least one Ahnold "NYAAAAAGHAHAHGHAH" sound.

Highlander 1, 3, and Endgame - Queen did a song for 'em. They feature immortals beheading each other with swords to gain each other's powers. It stars Sean Connery, for the love of God! Why are you making me write anymore 'bout this, go watch! Fun story: Highlander 2 is only available on DVD. Lol netflix.

Highlander the T.V. Series - 119 episodes. Period. I know, I know, 1992 != 1980's, but Highlander WAS mentioned...and you young'un's can get a chance to watch how televised entertainment SHOULD be done. Seriously. 119 episodes. Holy fucking shit.

Krull - Oh hell, this is just pure hardcore fantasy fun until the ending. Gotta warn you, if you actually intellectualize (yes I made that word up yes it's my word now) movies, yer gonna fucking hate the ending. BUUUUUT, c'mon: cyclopses, fire-hooved horses that fly on trails of their own flame, fantastic monstrosities and humans being midrange in everything. Time to get yer DnD on.

Ladyhawke - alongside Krull this makes up two of the greatest 80's fantasies, like, evar. At least this side of Red Sonja and Conan. Even more hardcore fantasy based than Krull, and it features an incredibly young Matthew Broderick back when he was a wonderful human being rather than the Matthew Broderick of today who is a wonderful human being and relatively unknown. No, seriously, it also starts Rutger Hauer (MAH NIGGA!) and Michelle Pfieffer...uh, woah, nevermind a joke I actually spelled her last name right the first time!

Anyway, some stuff happens, a knight with a female hawk but he turns into a wolf when she turns into a woman at night and vice versa by day, some more stuff happens swordsswordsswords knightsknightsknights lawful stupid knights priests aaaaaand magic. Go watch this movie.

Waxwork 1 and 2 - Honestly, you should only watch 1 simply so 2 makes more sense. Even then, Waxwork 2 will not make that much sense (or at least, only in a loose WOOOOOAH '80's sense) and certainly only has the absolute most barest ties to Waxwork 1.

In the meantime, enjoy lol '80's horror at it's fines and most lulzy!

Little Shop of Horrors - HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS AWESOME MUSICAL STARRING RICK MORANIS AND MORE TALENT THAN YOU CAN SHAKE YOUR NON-EXISTENT DICK AT?!!! Fuck you, go watch this. NOW!!!!

See No Evil, Hear No Evil - Alongside awesome Mel Brooks films, I was also raised watching Richard Pryor/Gene Wilder flicks. This definitely ranks at the top (alongside The Toy which, sadly, suffers from a distinct lack of Gene Wilder who is the most delightful human being ever to have existed. Motherfucker was Willy Wonka, yo.) of the Richard Pryor films you should have been shown had your parents had any balls, and you would have finally grown up to become the man you always wanted to be.

The time is now, my friend! Go watch this and enjoy the laughs.

The Horror Show - A personal ultimate fave, I watched this the same time I saw Cyborg (Jean Claude Van Damme's finest offering, in my opinion) and this still strikes me as being a most excellent horror action film. I have a mancrush on Lance Henriksen, and it's awesome beyond words to see Brion James hamming it up and proving that he can mainline a villain role with the best of 'em. Dude's basically my Maximum Krieg character with a hatchet. Plus he keeps screaming "LUCAAAAAAAS!" with such gusto that I can do nothing less than stand and applaud every time he does it (er, the name of Lance Henriksen's detective character who put him away). I mean, seriously...the only complaint I have is that this movie could use some more HEADBUTT.

Then again there's a lot of movies that could use more HEADBUTT...seriously.

Howard the Duck - Sure, it stank up the reviewers like a bowl full of rotten meat. Sure comic fanboys hated this movie with a burning blind passion of the Christ. BUT this was the first time I saw non-human bewbies and, y'know, LIKED it and to this day I still have fond memories of this movie simply for that and Lea Thompson. OH, and it also has Jeffrey Jones playing a Zuul-tastic alien outsider of some sort...y'know, nevermind that. It's Jeffrey Jones being allowed to let the hamcat out of the bag, and just literally hambeasts greater than any movie he's ever been in, and that's considering both Stay Tuned AND The Pest. That awesome, amazing actor-pervert~!

So there you have it. The first list of awesome '80's movies you should have watched but for some grievous error have not. Now you might be going "HEEEEEY, Bastard, where is ? That was a GREAT movie!"

Yeahyeahyeah, this is just the first list - as long as it's on Netflix streamin', I'll make certain to add it to the next list, yah? Here's to the severe hope that they have Trading Places and Big Trouble In Little China on there by then~! Not to mention The Pest...not that The Pest is an '80's movie, but as anyone who actually knows me already knows I'm a huge freakin' John Leguizamo fan.

Even To Wong Foo, and I frikkin' hated To Wong Foo~!

Er, where was I? Oh yeah, THE LIST:

Robocop
The Golden Child
Pray for Death
Dreamscape
The Omega Man
Night of the Comet
Midnight Run
Conan the Destroyer
Highlander 1, 3, Endgame, the t.v. series
Krull
Ladyhawke
Waxwork 1 and 2
Little Shop of Horrors
See No Evil, Hear No Evil
The Horror Show
Howard The Duck

Next post Imma gonna go after some NINJAS!!!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Weeaboo Tiem~!

Why hello there, cutie pie~! For those who simply enjoy anime, are hardcore weeaboo or just want to watch sumfin' differ'nt, do I have a coupla awesome entries for YOU to check out!

Do you like horror? Do you like zombies? Do you like zombie hotties that kill other zombies? Then check out the ENTIRE SERIES of Corpse Princess. Seriously, corpse chicks ranging from a cute loli to a buxom boxer (HNNNNNNG!) battling horrific zombie creazoids in order to gain their way into heaven. Dark secrets and twists abound in this 26-episodic yarn. Go on and give it a shot, yah?

Do you like demons? How about xbawks hueg bewbs, a strangely j-poppy soundtrack, little sister lounging in lingerie syndromes (prepare for ONI-CHAAAAN voices), and ONLY SWORDS CAN KILL THEM?! Tokko (with the accent-bar thing over the second o), the entire series. Me personally, I happen to like cop shows (i.e. - Bubblegum Crisis, A.D. Police old skool and the revisit, ROBOCOP, etc.) and this pulls it off pretty well amidst the whole DEMONS and what-not. It's nowhere near Genocyber or Urotsukidoji levels of gorn, but there's quite a bit of viscera and blood splashing around and it should, in the very least, satisfy the cop-freak and action-buff in ya. Hell, it even pulls off enough perv to at least quench yer lust for a bit. At 13 episodes you should eat it up in a coupla days.

I COULD go into detail about these two series, but really wouldn't that destroy the whole idea of watchin' these yerself?!

Just enter this into your search bar:
Corpse Princess (volumes 1 and 2 will show up)
Tokko

Hell, for a palate cleanser why don't you go watch Robocop? What do you mean you haven't seen Robocop?!!

OH SHIT SON NEXT IT'S OLD SKOOL MOVIE BLOWOUT TIEM~!!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Horror 101: Phantasm 1-4!

Just like the title suggest, it's Horror 101 time! The Tall Man can never be stopped, and those damn midget corpses are all over the place! So what should you watch tonight?

May I suggest Phantasm I - IV?

A quick synopsis of each one:

Phantasm 1: Reggie the Ice Cream Man makes Reggie's Shotgun. 1970's horror never looked so good. First sighting of The Tall Man and killer flying silver balls. Also, midget corpses. Midget corpses EVERYWHERE! Also, Reality Reboot. YOU CAN NEVER DEFEAT THE TALL MAN! Did I mention the first time The Tall Man kills someone, he's just freshly fucked some guy as a statuesque blonde? That's how the movie STARTS! Go watch this movie, now.

Phantasm II: Reggie gets laid, gets into a chainsaw duel, and there's multiple types of those flying silver balls. Fuck year chainsaw duel!

Phantasm III (Lord of the Dead): Fuckin' A, Reggie's a certified and certifiable badass. Didn't he die once before? Motherfucker's the fuckin' Determinator - he can never diiiiie! More flying silver balls that kill people. More abilities for said flying silver balls. More midgets, there was a strange lack of midget corpses in the second movie...

Phantasm IV (oblIVon, did you see what they did there?!): Really, it's just more of Reggie The Ice Cream Man being a badass. Jesus fucking christ, this guy is cooler than Zap Rowsdower.

So there ya go! Four incredible movies, but no fifth sadly enough. Wait, the fifth one DOES exist, y'know?

Gah, am I the only motherfucker to have seen it...or am I confusing it for the equally badassed fourth?

Bah, go watch some movies.

Remember kids: never trust flying silver balls. All they want to do is get up in your face and drill your brains out.

SWEEP THE LEEEEG!

No, seriously, you need to watch the following set of martial-arts movies on Netflix. Why? Because you yourself have no fucking clue what to watch:

Ip Man
Ip Man 2
Ong Bak 2
Ong Bak 3

Now, Ong Bak 1 can be easily ordered via DVD, but by now you've probably already seen it.

Now, I haven't seen Ip Man 2 yet, but Ip Man 1 wasn't bad...and the Ong Bak's are less "Ong Bak" and more "Lightly Tied To The Original Ong Bak Movie Since It's About His Past Life" or something.

Seriously, all you have to worry 'bout is that it is further proof that Tony Jaa is the Martial Arts Messiah. Instead of focusing on his stellar Muy Thai work, it follows his character Tien through betrayal and breakage and delicious vengeance as he becomes a Weapon Master, a brutal killing machine alongside his fellow compatriots known as "The Outlaws of Garuda Wing Cliff." Trained and tested in martial arts and weapons, the fighting is a mere backdrop to the drama inlaid so nicely within the storyline...seriously, after awhile it struck me as secondary to the storyline itself.

Not that the fighting wasn't fuckin' awesome - I mean, c'mon, it's Tony Jaa: Martial Arts Jesus. Hell, the dude's even sports the Jesus full beard after awhile.

Altogether, you can't go wrong with awesome employed violence: these four movies are guaranteed to eat up your afternoon and give ya some awesome dinnertime entertainment.

Information current as of 7/13/11.

Next up: Phantasm! Like...all of 'em! Seriously!!!