Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Do I have a treat for YOU!

I'm sorry, Uwe Boll.

There, I said it. I never thought I WOULD, especially after the travesty he's made of certain other video game-to-movie movies (BLOODRAYNECOUGHCOUGHHOUSEOFTHEDEADOHGODCOUGH), not to mention that cute little stunt he pulled awhile back where he got into a boxing ring with certain loud-mouthed e-celebrities and some teenaged twink listening to the Conan the Barbarian soundtrack. I missed out on that, and I consider myself to be quite the Icky Ballz hater.

Like, seriously.

Then...I watched Postal. I did it for a lark. I did it for the pure random chaosness of me actually watching an Uwe Boll movie.

I am sorry, Uwe Boll. Postal is a masterpiece of lowbrow humor. It is TRULY south park the live action movie. It is everything wonderful about dick and fart jokes, the very same ones I fell in love with in the View Askew universe. It is amazing scenes of gunplay and violence, and nonsensical relationships between George Dubyah Bush and Osama Bin Laden. It is explosives, a legion of monkeys raping Vern Troyer, and...

and I haven't even scratched the surface of the experience that is Postal.

Uwe Boll, I thank you for being the bigger (hehehheheh, yeah, sure) man in this situation and I thank you for accepting my apologies. Now never again make movies like Bloodrayne and House of the Dead, and I will forget that I ever swore to stalk and murder you for what you've done to the world of cinema: lowering the bar forevermore.

Now that THAT'S out of the way, shall we continue on with what could possibly be either a night or an entire weekend of awesome for youse guys? Well then, LETS!

Y'know, I like me some asian cinema. Hey, I'll enjoy ANYTHING so long as its' done right, y'knowwhatImean, and ain't some trashy piece of propaganda. Propaganda pisses me off no matter whom it belongs to. Anyway, I dig me some asian movies, y'knowwhatImean? Old Boy, Versus, hell I even like Tokyo Gore Police.


So, here it is: my double offering of asian cinema, a good one and a HOLY FUCKING HELL HIDE YOUR KIDS.

First up is Tokyo Gore Police. Do you NOT know of this movie?! I mean, it's...just fucking amazing. It's not for kids, most adults, hell most things that are sentient. I've NEVER felt brutalized by a movie and I like to think of m'self as being pretty jaded, almost to a psychotic level. I've masturbated to things that would make every last one of you freak out and call the cops upon seeing me.

Then I watched Tokyo Gore Police and now I know why doves cry.

Seriously, the sheer amount of blood, gore, limbs and body parts and torsos being flayed, I mean they even had a flesh chair that pissed on a crowd of people! I've seen that kinda shit in hentai manga (the WORST kind, at that) but seeing it in live-action...just god, I felt like bathing in a tub full of holy water. If there truly is a Hell and any single action or thing you experience will send you there, Tokyo Gore Police is it.

I...did it even have a story? I just remember viscera. Hell, Ichi the Killer is tame by comparison.

ON THE OTHER HAND I gotta point out to y'all that most of the actual "death" moments are pretty fucking adorable. Old skool muppet movies (with the real puppets, not the CGI bullshit nowadays) have better effects. At least, y'know...the moment of death doesn't LOOK like a human being died, just a paper mache head...kinda. It's not THAT bad, but it's less considering how much gore and blood is splashed about.

Nowhere near as bad as The Story of Ricki-Oh (OH HOW I WISH NETFLIX HAD THIS!), y'knowwhatImean?

Anyway, suffice it to say it's a dystopian future (ain't they all?) where cops are privatized and apparently rule the streets. A guy called the Keymaster is running around implanting "keys" into people that mutates them upon their taking a wound (even a death-dealing one), usually into weapons that mirror what their favorite method of killing happens to be.

And THEEEEN there's the commercials. I will never see wrist-cutting as cute again. Not even Vampire Girl versus Frankenstein Girl made wrist-cutting seem...cute.

Fucking Japan...

AND THEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SPECTRUM is The Good, The Bad, The Weird. Y'know, I still have yet to see Sukiyaki Wester Jango, but I'm fairly certain it's like this film. A seriously spaghetti western (GIVE YER PROPS TO SERGIO LEONE GODAMMIT HE MADE FILMS THAT WERE GOOD) with a splash of good Asiatic cinematic sensibilities, it's all about trains, train robbers, and brutal killers.

Seriously, check this intro:

So yeah, you've got the one guy who is a brutal killer who is sicced on the train for a particular map to a treasure. It also happens to have been robbed by a rather efficient, somewhat eccentric and oddball train robber who has already made quick work of the place and is looking at gettin' pinned down by the murderer and his gang of killers. THEN you got the bounty hunter who is after said gang of murderers.

THEN there's the twist ending! No, seriously this is an awesome movie with gunfights, cowboy-isms (well, they don't actively SAY it but y''s there), and badasses aplenty.

Dig it, man.


Seriously, they even open up with this just amaaaazing line about how great movies have this element of No Reason.

Check the trailer yer damned self:

Remember kids, it's called a postmodern arthouse flick for a reason. This shit is TOO good, strangely enough!

Now, it's time to close with not just one movie, not a series...this is pure amazing. It is the greatest thing I've ever seen, and when I watched some of it I made certain to call my Dad and thank him for introducing me to this when I was younger.

Now, let me preface just a little. Back in the day when the W.W.E. was still called the W.W.F. and SyFy was known as the SciFi channel and they actually played amazing shows instead of fucked up D-rated original movies. Well, SciFi Channel also had a show on it that I had watched earlier as a child but didn't really get into it until I was a teenager. I watched it with my father on those Saturday mornings (normally after cartoons were done, and I didn't even remember THAT until he pointed it out to me in the phone call) and it seems like it's always been in my life for as far back as I can remember.

I'm talking about Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Netflix has what can amount to a veritable PRIDE OF ELEPHANTS TONNAGE of MST3K flicks and in an era where we can only get 'em bootlegged on DVD/VHS (due to all the copyright bullshit) it's completely awesome that you can get MST3K just BAM, like that!!!!

I mean, FUCK YES IT'S MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000!!!!!!! If you REALLY need me to REALLY tell you ANYTHING about Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's this: they have both the Joel AND the Mike eras, just willy-nilly episodes from both of 'em. They GOD I can't even do a proper review of it!

Suffice it to say it's like this:

In the Joel Era, evil mad scientist Dr. Forrester (with his Igor, a pudgy guy named "T.V.'s Frank") hires Joel, some everyguy stoneralike, as a janitor but decides to bonk him out and send him up into space for a series of experiments to show that horrible F-rated movies can destroy a human being, thus making their mind malleable and ripe for enslavement. Joel awakens on the "Satellite of Love," where he constructs what will become his two iconic buddies: Tom Servo (a gumball machine with a small beak, hands, and the ability to "hover" - the fact that he has no legs comes up in quite a few jokes) and Crow T. Robot (oh jesus, how can I describe this guy? A bowling pin with a catcher's, crap, just look it up yerself!), two jokers who help him chuckle up and crack wise throughout the movie, thus keeping their sanity.

Most of the time.

He also built Cambot (which is how we're able to see all this) and Gypsy (a giant vacuum cleaner that talks? Jesus I'm off on my descriptions today) to steer the Satellite of Love and handle the important functions of keeping the whole thing working.

After he figured out a way off of the Satellite of Love after so many seasons, he was replaced by a new everyday joker who lacked in the stoner department (despite how many jokes to the contrary are actually made) who also was one of the writers on the show for many years.

Now Mike brought a different set of hilariousness to the whole thing and, admittedly, I remember most of MST3K from his era. That's not to say I don't LIKE the Joel era (I like anything MST3K related, y'knowwhatImean?), but I watched the Mike era first, ergo where my bias lays in the whole "Joel versus Mike" arguments that pop up between nerds on the 'Net.

So suffice it to say, if y'all can't tell how much...just freakin' love I have concerning this series as whole, well there ya go. I can't do it justice, I simply can't, but instead I entreat you to check it out yer damn self and follow up with the guys on Rifftrax since MST3K has been done for years.

Hell, here's a bit of what they're doin' over there at Rifftrax with 10 minutes of their best snarkiness from one of the worst films ever made (FUCK YOU CULTISTS, THIS IS HOW A PROFESSIONAL HATER HATES), The Room.

SO, here's the list for those of you who simply skipped my review and just needs a list of movies to watch for an evening (or a week - there's, like, quite a few MST3K movies there), just types these into yer search bar:

Tokyo Gore Police
The Good, The Bad, The Weird
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (note: they'll all pop up by "science")

Why yes, I AM having a good time laughing like a fucking moron when there's no one around~! And if you check out MST3K, so shall you!!


  1. i've heard about postal movie but never bothered.
    never heard about the others though.
    will definitely check them out for some laughs.

  2. Apparently Postal is Uwe Boll's greatest film, but that's not saying much!

  3. Flesh chair pissing on people? WTF?!
    Postal is just stupid :/

  4. @Neon - I know, dude! A chair made of a person that pisses on the entire crowd of gathered freaks and pseudo-mutants. I've been using this more as of late, but it's true: friggin' lol japan, yo!

    Postal IS stupid, and appeals only to the lowest of browed humor. With THAT stated, I can enjoy both high-style and low brow comedy, and every now and then ya just need to chillax and take in a movie full of dick and fart jokes, or pointless violence (a.k.a. - The 3 Stooges pre-Shemp). Sometimes ya just gotta go with it, and I reckon I was just in that kinda mood when I watched Postal.

    @ICOTD - HAH! If yer gonna be gutter scum and at the bottom of the barrel, you might as well be King Scum. Being the best of the worst takes just as much talent as being the best of the best, and is certainly a damn sight better than the worst of the best.

  5. @T Papar - HA HA, I wish I could see your face upon watching Tokyo Gore Police, bro.

    Not that I could - I can't look away while watching that movie. It's just a long, brutal ride of gore, brutality and mutations.

  6. I want to laugh too, I'll check these out.

  7. Oh wow quite an update, i will finish it reading later, didnt think it we be this long hahaha

  8. I do occasionally enjoy a so-bad-it's-good kind of movie.