Wednesday, July 20, 2011

You. Yes you! WATCH MORE 80's MOVIES!!!!

Oh god, what do you mean you weren't born before 1990? How in the hell what is this I don't even...it's all your fault and you should feel bad for never having seen these movies.

With THAT said, let's rectify your graven sin by whipping up a list with a short synopsis for each one and why your soul will be enlightened by watching each movie~!

IT'S 80'S BLOWOUT TIEM!!!

Robocop - oh jesus why are you even asking me why you should watch this? A guy gets covered in acid then splattered after getting run over by a car. GUNS GUNS GUNS everywhere. Awesomest scenes of violence EVERYWHAR. Violent black people before Thug Life made it cool, and being cool before Thug Life and the leftist media made it cool. Plus he is a cop who is also a robot who is also a awesome father figure for anyone who has ever loved Charlton Heston. Robocop is the pride of America and dystopian futures everywhere.

The Golden Child - Eddie Murphy is an amazing actor. He could be a child-molesting serial killer for all we know, I will honestly forgive him simply because he was in The Golden Child. A rollicking romp that takes his character from America to Asia to dreamscapes to...well, you'd have to see it to believe it. 80's style martial artistry and choreography abound, and Eddie Murphy cracking wise every three seconds makes it fucking awesome. An actual, y'know, STORYLINE also complements what SHOULD be in your top ten films. Fuck your indie-loving hatred, it should be.

Pray for Death - God, even the name Sho Kosugi promises you that it's going to be a subpar NINJAS movie from the '80's. Watch it simply for street cred amongst Sho Kosugi buffs. Even the MUSIC is straight outta the '80's. Also untranslated Japanese because, y'know, back in the '80's they were all mystical and stuff. I still blame Karate Kid for that kind of shit. Dude, Sho's character's wife in the movie LOOKS black, but really she's just '80's asian. Honestly, if you have time to watch Pray for Death may I suggest a cooler martial arts film or two for ya? Go look up The Streetfighter, Return of The Streetfighter, then Sister Streetfighter. You may then thank me for sharing with you Terry Tsurugi's rage. Seriously, that guy's pissed off even when he's mackin' out with chicks.

Dreamscape - OH GOD OH GOD NIGHTMARES EVERYWHERE OH GOD I WAS EIGHT WHEN I FIRST SAW THIS MOVIE WHAT THE FUCK MOM AND DAD THIS MOVIE IS FUCKED BEYOND ALL COMPARE YOU SHOULD WATCH IT IT'S A GOOD HORROR FILM WITH NIGHTMARES EVERYWHERE AND A FUCKING SNAKE MAN HOLY SHIT HE'S A GODDAMN MAN WHO IS ALSO A SNAKE WHO IS ALSO A DREAMWEAVER SHITSHITSHIT

The Omega Man - speakin' 'bout Charlton Heston, I know it's actually made during the 70's (like Planet of the Apes and such), but man...The Omega Man is awe-inspiring in its' awesomeness, and you do not deserve to call yourself a movie buff if you haven't seen it. Go watch it. Right now. Period and fullstop, mah nizzles.

Night of the Comet - 80'S ZOMBIE MOVIES RULES!!!!!!

Midnight Run - Duuuuude, Robert De Niro might have Hollywood issues in real life, but ya gotta admit: the man puts out a good movie. He's right up there with pretty much everyone from Coptown and Joe Pesci in terms of watchability (I can't hear you, haters and critics, I can't hear youuuuu~!), and he really does a great job in Midnight Run. Mainly 'cuz he plays the straight man to Charles Grodin's CONSTANT stream of speech. Just good shit.

Conan the Destroyer - why isn't Conan the Barbarian amongst their stream list?! Oh well, you can still enjoy Arnie Baby doing his thing all over the place with Grace Jones, Mako, and others as backup. No, seriously, this is fuckin' awesome shit and you should feel bad if you haven't seen it.

Not to be confused with the recent remake, which I refuse to watch unless I hear the new Conan makes at least one Ahnold "NYAAAAAGHAHAHGHAH" sound.

Highlander 1, 3, and Endgame - Queen did a song for 'em. They feature immortals beheading each other with swords to gain each other's powers. It stars Sean Connery, for the love of God! Why are you making me write anymore 'bout this, go watch! Fun story: Highlander 2 is only available on DVD. Lol netflix.

Highlander the T.V. Series - 119 episodes. Period. I know, I know, 1992 != 1980's, but Highlander WAS mentioned...and you young'un's can get a chance to watch how televised entertainment SHOULD be done. Seriously. 119 episodes. Holy fucking shit.

Krull - Oh hell, this is just pure hardcore fantasy fun until the ending. Gotta warn you, if you actually intellectualize (yes I made that word up yes it's my word now) movies, yer gonna fucking hate the ending. BUUUUUT, c'mon: cyclopses, fire-hooved horses that fly on trails of their own flame, fantastic monstrosities and humans being midrange in everything. Time to get yer DnD on.

Ladyhawke - alongside Krull this makes up two of the greatest 80's fantasies, like, evar. At least this side of Red Sonja and Conan. Even more hardcore fantasy based than Krull, and it features an incredibly young Matthew Broderick back when he was a wonderful human being rather than the Matthew Broderick of today who is a wonderful human being and relatively unknown. No, seriously, it also starts Rutger Hauer (MAH NIGGA!) and Michelle Pfieffer...uh, woah, nevermind a joke I actually spelled her last name right the first time!

Anyway, some stuff happens, a knight with a female hawk but he turns into a wolf when she turns into a woman at night and vice versa by day, some more stuff happens swordsswordsswords knightsknightsknights lawful stupid knights priests aaaaaand magic. Go watch this movie.

Waxwork 1 and 2 - Honestly, you should only watch 1 simply so 2 makes more sense. Even then, Waxwork 2 will not make that much sense (or at least, only in a loose WOOOOOAH '80's sense) and certainly only has the absolute most barest ties to Waxwork 1.

In the meantime, enjoy lol '80's horror at it's fines and most lulzy!

Little Shop of Horrors - HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS AWESOME MUSICAL STARRING RICK MORANIS AND MORE TALENT THAN YOU CAN SHAKE YOUR NON-EXISTENT DICK AT?!!! Fuck you, go watch this. NOW!!!!

See No Evil, Hear No Evil - Alongside awesome Mel Brooks films, I was also raised watching Richard Pryor/Gene Wilder flicks. This definitely ranks at the top (alongside The Toy which, sadly, suffers from a distinct lack of Gene Wilder who is the most delightful human being ever to have existed. Motherfucker was Willy Wonka, yo.) of the Richard Pryor films you should have been shown had your parents had any balls, and you would have finally grown up to become the man you always wanted to be.

The time is now, my friend! Go watch this and enjoy the laughs.

The Horror Show - A personal ultimate fave, I watched this the same time I saw Cyborg (Jean Claude Van Damme's finest offering, in my opinion) and this still strikes me as being a most excellent horror action film. I have a mancrush on Lance Henriksen, and it's awesome beyond words to see Brion James hamming it up and proving that he can mainline a villain role with the best of 'em. Dude's basically my Maximum Krieg character with a hatchet. Plus he keeps screaming "LUCAAAAAAAS!" with such gusto that I can do nothing less than stand and applaud every time he does it (er, the name of Lance Henriksen's detective character who put him away). I mean, seriously...the only complaint I have is that this movie could use some more HEADBUTT.

Then again there's a lot of movies that could use more HEADBUTT...seriously.

Howard the Duck - Sure, it stank up the reviewers like a bowl full of rotten meat. Sure comic fanboys hated this movie with a burning blind passion of the Christ. BUT this was the first time I saw non-human bewbies and, y'know, LIKED it and to this day I still have fond memories of this movie simply for that and Lea Thompson. OH, and it also has Jeffrey Jones playing a Zuul-tastic alien outsider of some sort...y'know, nevermind that. It's Jeffrey Jones being allowed to let the hamcat out of the bag, and just literally hambeasts greater than any movie he's ever been in, and that's considering both Stay Tuned AND The Pest. That awesome, amazing actor-pervert~!

So there you have it. The first list of awesome '80's movies you should have watched but for some grievous error have not. Now you might be going "HEEEEEY, Bastard, where is ? That was a GREAT movie!"

Yeahyeahyeah, this is just the first list - as long as it's on Netflix streamin', I'll make certain to add it to the next list, yah? Here's to the severe hope that they have Trading Places and Big Trouble In Little China on there by then~! Not to mention The Pest...not that The Pest is an '80's movie, but as anyone who actually knows me already knows I'm a huge freakin' John Leguizamo fan.

Even To Wong Foo, and I frikkin' hated To Wong Foo~!

Er, where was I? Oh yeah, THE LIST:

Robocop
The Golden Child
Pray for Death
Dreamscape
The Omega Man
Night of the Comet
Midnight Run
Conan the Destroyer
Highlander 1, 3, Endgame, the t.v. series
Krull
Ladyhawke
Waxwork 1 and 2
Little Shop of Horrors
See No Evil, Hear No Evil
The Horror Show
Howard The Duck

Next post Imma gonna go after some NINJAS!!!!!

2 comments:

  1. Night of the Comet is awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  2. OH GOD fuck yeah it was! Zombies, hot '80's chicks, flat asses and leg warmers bro.

    Mostly I remember it for the comet-zombies, and the "surprise" ending. Luckiest dude in the world, yo.

    ReplyDelete