Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hot and Current: Conan 3D (I'll try and keep it as spoiler-free as possible)

Alright reviewers of the Internuggets, I'm putting all of you on fucking alert.

So, I went into Conan (IN THREE DEE NONETHELESS!) fully prepared to get my mad hatter of hate on. I don't even mean my NORMAL kind of hate, just pure and unrelenting hate bordering on haet.

A hate so hateful that it MUST be misspelled.

Now, lemme pull back to a coupla days. I call up one of my closest friends (let's just call him "The Ace" for now) and we talk about stuff, y'know? Just stuuuuuuff. Gettin' caught up, that kinda thing. Then he hits me back with a couple of things, a favor and an offer. The favor is that he needs a ride out of Bellingham in order to get this super-ultra-awesome 19 inch monitor that's all the way the fuck out Lynden. Afterwards we can either chillax and play some vidyuh gaems (I'm hardcore vidyuh. He's even harder of the core. Suffice it to say we've had some good times, man, just dominating the fuck outta arcades and such...) or he could score a coupla tickets to go watch Conan in 3D.

Now we've discussed Conan before, how I feel about Hollyfucked and their fascination with remakes and reboots.

I hate 'em both, generally speaking. Almost as much as I hate sequels.

Now, he didn't have to really talk me THAT much into it after giving me this mindset to think on: treat original Conan (yes, even The Destroy, ya hatin' bastages) like Jack Nicholson's Joker and treat New Conan (IN TRIPLE-DEEZ!) like Heath Ledger Joker.

Now, I really REALLY dug Heath Ledger's Joker (not better than Jack's, but he's up there, y'know? Simply a different take on the Joker legend), so I switched from my frothing-at-the-mouth-hatred and ready to rip it a new one to "hey, let's give it a shot."

And y'know what? I manned up, apologized to The Ace, told him that he was right and I was wrong.

Conan was fuckin' INCREDIBLE!!!! It was far closer to the source material of the comics and novels by Robert E. Howard, what with Jason Momoa gettin' his barbarian on with the best of 'em and HOLY SHIT IS THAT BOB SAPP?

Yes, yes it is kids. It's fucking Bob Sapp as Captain Brosef Brofferson, a sidekick that could have his own fucking movie.

Okay, okay let's not get ahead of ourselves. First and foremost, why am I slinging such hate at certain Internuggets reviewers? Because this is not a movie to go to and expect cerebral, deep or philosophical film making.

This is fantasy-based Sin City. This is Advanced Dungeons and Dragons with grittier combat and prettier landscapes. The CGI wasn't too overpowering and the camera angles were fucking awesome.

Do not go and watch this movie expecting witty dialogue (though there IS some of that!), and do not go to watch a bunch of characters on the screen do anything other than bond over drunken rowdiness and generalized slaughter.

Seriously, it's like being plopped right back into the good ol' '80's with the gore and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IS THE CHOREOGRAPHY GOOD! Seriously, this is the kind of movie you WANT to watch for the fight scenes!

NOTE: SPOILERS AHOY!

As far as the pacing is concerned (which seems to be the number one complaint), not only is this a full-blown retelling of the masterful DeLaurentiis vehicle but there are quite a few people involved with Conan's quest for vengeance and certain things must be glossed over in exchange for satisfying fight scenes. Now, both my own august and glorious self as well as The Ace agree on various points: sure, this movie could've been made better if certain characters had longer fight scenes. Sure, this movie would've been AWESOME if a certain someone had come back in a certain someone else and backstabbed her husband and became some kind of violent goddess of battle for Conan to rape and kill, but that too would've only made the movie better...and possibly fuck up the ending too.

Bob Sapp is an amazing talent, and it was good to see Conan paired up with people who, y'know, weren't just targets for some cheap emotional ass-pulls by the directors but could stand up on their own two feet (even though the thief needed help, he was still a badass in his own right). Also while the monk girl still pulled some damsel in distress moments, they were rather weak in light of her actions. I mean, the girl could stand toe to toe with some of the most wicked characters in the movie!

Speakin' about wicked, HOLY SHIT ROSE MCGOWAN IS FUCKING EVIL! Just...evil. Like, super-hot evil. Like, if you thought those chicks in Dune were hot, y'know, those priestesses? Yeah, now make them evil and with all those psychic powers turned to necromancy as well.

My only complaint: it would've been SO much wincest if her father just accepted her loving attentions and boned the fuck out of her. She looks like her mother? Cool. She's suckling gently on your thumb? Doubleplusgood. She ALSO practices necromancy and is assisting you to become a god and rule the world?

Holy shit, you're already evil JUST FUCKING GO FOR IT! In b4 vile hatred and slander.

No, seriously, if you're the badguy you might as well go all the way. McGowan's character is evil, powerful, strong and completely loyal to him. He's brutal, evil, vicious and has already slaughtered thousands in his search for this artifact.

DUUUUUUUUDE, it is fuckin' TIME! Except he should've had her call him "Daddy" the entire time they'd be knocking boots.

I gotta admit to y'all, I was sooooo disappoint when he just dropped that issue with a "You look like your mother...but you can never be her."

FUCK THAT SHIT, CALL ME DADDYYYYYYY!! DAAAAADYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! (coughinsidejokecoughcough)

Anway, to quote The Ace, "This Conan doesn't just make allies...he makes BROS!" Seriously, the side characters are as interesting and varied (and archetypal) as Conan himself is. ESPECIALLY Ukafa, the pirate captain that took Conan under his wing when he was younger.

Did I mention that Ukafa, a.k.a. Captain Broseff Brofferson McEightPoppedCollars, was played by a slightly fat Bob Sapp? Dude still looked like he could tear your head off and shit down your neck. Seriously, the monk girl could've been completely ixnayed out of the movie (for all that it would've taken out a Cinemax-worthy sex scene and a decent chunk of muscular Hawaiian guy ass. Seriously, you could've bounced a brick off dat ass) and it could've ended with Captain Broseff, BroThief, and Bronan riding off into the sunset all Three Amigos style.

As is, the sex scene wasn't NEARLY rough enough. Another thing I gotta agree with The Ace 'bout, but still...he's a fucking barbarian. Sure he employed strategical thinking and logic, and actually was as much of a thinker as he was a "KILL FUCKING EVERYTHING" kinda guy, but stiiiiiiill...

NOOOOOOOOOOW, let's get down to Conan himself. I actively disagree with what other reviewers have said 'bout Jason Momoa's version: he speaks when he needs to, only speaks to others in demands and grunts, roars with power and has such a violent grace that I HAD to give him props for it. This is what Howard's Conan was like, a true Byronic anti-hero, a barbarian who didn't give two fucks about civilized, proper mannerisms and pretty much killed and fucked his way through life, intent only on his goals at the expense of all.

BUT, Conan has an extreme sense of honor and loyalty despite his barbarism.

"I fight, I slay, and I love. I am content."

My fucking god, what a line~!!! And delivered with believable panache as well.

So no, you other reviewers, it is NOT okay what you're sayin'. This movie not only lives up to Ahnold's legacy, but Howard's intent as well. This movie is an excellent beat-'em-up with awesome camera angles, slick maneuvers, a superb level of choreography and OH, by the way, it has Ron Pearlman as Conan's father.

I am indeed content!

Now, ever since Transformers 2 I basically won't talk about a movie I've just watched until the day after. That's because my inner fanboy might have actually blinded me to something that is, in fact, pure crap (a.k.a. - Transformers 2). I'll never forgive Michael Bay for Jar Jar Binks...er, I mean, Skids and Mudflap...nor will I ever forgive him for the bullshit dick and fart jokes (wrong movie, dawg, it's funny when Jay and Silent fucking Bob does it, not fucking Optimus goddamned Prime he is Robosus you do not fuck with that dawg) nor the ENTIRE college arc and defeating the very core idea of Transformers by introducing a fully human-looking fembot.

Hell, simply having Shia LeDouche in the movie is enough to make me hate Michael Bay.

Now, I saw this movie yesterday. I have settled down and weighed the pros and cons...and I still love this movie and will buy it the MOMENT it comes out on DVD.

I mean, I do have SOME cons...namely it lacks the same kind of audio punch the Ahnold movies did. I mean, it was good...but it wasn't, say, "The Kitchen/The Orgy."



I mean, Ahnold's Conan had music that was more epic than the movies!

Also, the sex scene needed to be rougher. It was too gentle and loving for me to think it was anything other than Fabio masturbating on a field of middle-aged soccer moms. Lastly, they needed a longer battle between the one female general of the evil king (the one who always struck me as being "THAT KIND" of miniboss, y'know? Just thaaat kind, you get to them and you're like "GODAMMIT WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING HARD FUCK?!!!") and Conan, hell let him fight ANY of the other general-types a bit more than what happened and deeeefinitely could've used more Bob Sap.

Captain Brosef Brofferson was that fucking entertaining!

I really also hope they continue exploring this world with a few sequels. So long as they don't fuck it up and keep the proper people, it'll be a wonderful thing to check out, y'knowwhatImean?

Altogether this is not a movie where you want to watch people dancing, singing and having a good time. This is not a movie to take your fucking kids to.

No, this was a movie that was an excellent example of cinema violence galore, with plenty of blood and viscera. This is a movie where the storyline takes place during the fight scenes, and you're here to have a good time watching faces get bashed the fuck in.

So yeah, I'm suggesting you put money on this one. Tell 'em That Bastard sent ya!

It won't mean a goddamned thing, but maaaan...I bet it'd sound cool the moment you actually DID! Well, to me at least.

I'm That Bastard, and I'm putting my good name and word on your enjoyment of this movie.

Sincerely,

~That Bastard

P.S. - I swore I'd hate this movie unless New Conan did at least ONE thing that was a throwback to Ahnie Baby. And y'know what? HE DID! So yeah, I can honestly say I like this movie now. I'm just sayin'...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Movies So Bad They're Entertaining~!

Y'know, sometimes I watch a movie expecting something so horrible that I just love my mind and go crazy with rage.

And then...sometimes I watch a movie that's so fucking bad it's good.

This post is about four of such offerings...I swear to God I watched three of them in a row. I still don't know why.

WHAT IS IT WITH HOLLYWEIRD AND WHITE PEOPLE HEADLINING THINGS THEY SHOULDN'T?! I don't give a fuck how "believable" the story might bet, the only great white hope amongst ninjas was Chris fucking Farley. The guy they got as the main protagonist of what SHOULD be a shitfest is a fairly good martial artist, is at least somewhat athletic and is as believable a ninja with his Bud K uniform as...well, Chris Farley was in Beverly Hills Ninja.

Only, strangely enough...the fight scenes were actually pretty good.

I mean, the gear is practically ALL Bud K equipment, and ain't nothin' faker than that, y'knowwhatI'msayin'? But maaaan...the fight sequences weren't bad, really.

So much so that I kept watching it, for some reason, until the end.

Now, when I first started watching it I was thoroughly expecting to compare it to the jaw-droppingly good Ninja Assassin (STORY IDEA: HE'S A NINJA WHO IS AN ASSASSIN WHO IS ALSO A NINJA WHO ASSASSINATES OTHER NINJAS WHO ARE ALSO ASSASSINS WHO CANNOT ASSASSINATE THE NINJA ASSASSIN BECAUSE HE IS AN ASSASSIN OF NINJAS...WHO IS ALSO A NINJA!), and while it pales in comparison costume-wise and even choreographed fighting-wise...but man, it was surprisingly good when I was expecting it to be just THAT horrible, y'knowwhatImean?

Go ahead and give it a try, eh?



LOL SCOTT ADKINS jesus fuckin' god white people need to stop doing shit like this. You can't be the last goddamned Samurai, you're Tom Cruise you're not even japanese. Insert "Tom Hanks is the Last Nigga On Earf" joke here.

Bloody Mallory - y'know, the French have put out some decent flicks, strangely enough. I mean, they're the French, right? So I thought when I first watched Dark Portals: The Chronicles of Vidocq (FUCK YEAH BIG HONKIN' NOSED GERARD DEPARDIEU HE WAS A GODDAMN MUSKETEER!) as well as The Horde, which wasn't just good it was fuckin' EXCELLENT!. Hell, apparently the French have a huge history of making pretty good horrors...and Bloody Mallory doesn't fit the bill exactly.

Okay, take Sin City, right? You got that comic book angle goin' on, and the whole larger-than-life characterization goin' on. Right? Good.

Still with me? Now make it French, somewhat cheesy and basically...well, I WAS going to call it "V.I.P. - The Movie" but then a coupla fight scenes actually got me goin'. Especially the mute little telepathic girl who can possess other bodies (and memories) at will...

Altogether though, the movie just....got my attention and actually (GASP!) kept it! Which is weird 'cuz it's just sooooo fuckin' horrible, and yet...

And yet I watched it! Like, all of it.

Let's see, you got the black french tranny, the fake-redhead straight outta Run Lola Run, the mute telepath girl and their government correspondent who dies in the beginning but is later replaced with a martial arts-wielding priest of the church. The fucking pope gets kidnapped and that's when fallen angels come into play in the storyline.

I swear to fucking god, it's like I was the one who wrote it! The fight scenes are deliciously cheesy, the character interactions are laughable at best...and yet there are moments when they're believable too.

Altogether, Bloody Mallory is, like, the WORST movie I have ever seen...but in the best of ways.

Y'know, I like this movie for the same reason why I loved the "Tales From A Parallel Universe" movie series, back before it became "L.E.X.X." It's just good ol' fashioned B-rated sci-fi-y fun.

Mallory herself (whose character is pretty much an expy of Bloody Mary or somethin', or perhaps Lizzie Borden) actually stands up to my badassed meter, with cute little comebacks every now and then - hell, she even swallowed a friggin' 10,000 year old prophecy (er, parchment?) as a response to "How can you stop a 10,000 year prophecy?"

She just snags the paper, balls it up, stuffs it into her mouth, chews and fuckin' swallows.

Now THAT is badassed!

I hate to quote another reviewer on Youtube, but he's got a point: this is basically Buffy the Vampire Slayer having dirty sex with Buckaroo Banzai.

Well, hell...take a look and judge for yourself. Lol, a french film and the only trailer I can find is in german:



Y'know, I'm somewhat disappoint when it comes to horror movies nowadays. It's either "Me-Too, Me-Too!" gorror bullshit or simply obvious VAT A TWEEST endings.

The V-Word did not disappoint in that I expected every single fucking thing that happened to it.

I mean, the movie itself was just...so...average that I don't even remember two-thirds of what it's about! It's basically the more "vampires aren't mystical, only predatory beasts" angle and just runs with it.

Thats...pretty much all I remember of it. I dunno, maybe I'm giving this a bad ribbing? All I remember is that I watched the damn thing all the way to the end, and that's pretty much it.

I don't even remember WHY I watched it to the end...but there ya go. The V-Word. Derp.

SPEAKIN' ABOUT VAMPIRES, there's this movie...oh god, okay Ninjas Versus Vampires was surprisingly good. Then there's this stinkfest known as Bloodwars.

Oh my god, the fight sequences are horrible, the slang is just fucked up, ROTC REPRESENT but still that doesn't save this horrible horrible "Warlocks Versus Vampires" film.

What does save it? The head vampire dude is the fucker who played Candyman.

My god, what a glorious ham!!!



Honestly, I'm not suggesting ANY of these movies....unless you want to seriously watch a movie that's just so bad it's actually slightly entertaining.

Lookin' for that list? Here ya go!

Ninja
Bloody Mallory
The V Word
Bloodwars

Ugh, maybe Masters of Horror will get good again...in b4 hate and vicious slander.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Horror 102: Rooms To Die For...er, In...you heard me...

It's time for some fuuuuuuun! Are you ready to play some games?

'Cuz I got some more horror for y'all~!

Nine Dead - Nine people are handcuffed to poles in a room. They must guess WHY theyr'e in the room, pretty much attempt to figure out what's the relationship between all nine of them, or one person will be shot once every ten minutes.

Believe it or not, it's a pretty badassed flick altogether, y'know?



Breathing Room - Take Nine Dead then add a liberal mass of Clue. Basically somethin' like fourteen people awaken within a huge room with fluorescent lighting, individual bags for clothes (orange-red team and blue-black team) and in each of them a hint, a clue towards what's going on.

They're also wearing collars that will shock their asses dead should they "break the rules."

The gamemaster actually shows his face, which immediately makes it different than Saw or Nine Dead. The best kill due to rule breakage? The guy who didn't fucking wash his hands.

Now THAT'S my kinda punishment!!! WASH YOUR GODDAMNED HANDS now I gotta make a friggin' personal post about that sometime...

Suffice it to say the lights go out at regular, possibly even irregular intervals, and a person dies with each lights out. They're constantly hounded by the fact that a "pedophile, a rapist, and a murder" is alive amongst them...or dead when they die.

I won't tell ya when, or who, but maaaan...let's just say the killer is only slightly obvious, but the rest'll actually catch ya off-guard. Now that I've ruined THAT for you, check out this trailer and see it for your damn self:



Cube 2: Hypercube - I fuckin' loooooooooooove the cube series, with Cube 2 being my favorite (Hypercube~!). After all, nothing is scarier to me then being killed by mathematical theorems, geometrical anomalies and spatial algorithms. I mean, you don't understand when it's gonna hit, you probably don't even understand when it DOES hit, and last but not least it's damn near always messy when it does hit.

If you ask me, it doesn't get any better then that when it comes to gore-horror flicks!

Every cube movie pretty much goes like this, only Hypercube has a futuristic math-will-kill-you kinda thing goin' on: eight strangers awaken with the Hypercube itself and they must navigate their way about each room, surviving not only the actual kill rooms (a staple for the Cube series) but also rooms where the room ITSELF can kill or somehow just fuck you up. Gravity shift rooms, variable time speed rooms...I'll ruin this much for ya, two of the strangers get their sex on in one of these rooms and end up dessicated as fuck.

Suffice it to say, unlike the other Cubes which relies on such lethal gimmicks as crushing walls or machine guns firing into the room or even acid sprays (my favorite) OH, or the garotte wires ground beefing a guy, the Hypercube instead uses, just like I said, mathematical algorithms and alien geometries.


BEWARE: German subbed, and the action goes down 'bout 1:50 in. See that beautiful mirror-like thing floating in the air? Yeah, that will kill you.

Beautiful and shiny things will kill you in the Hypercube.

DO NOT HAVE SEX IN THE GODOMND HOPORCOBE, GODOMMOT FRONK!

Here's the trailer:



Suffice it to say I'm a BIIIIIG fan of the Cube series. They're all pretty fucked up, but maaaan...the second one is just pure fucked up on top of "Oh godammit fuck this shit."

Seriously, they need to make a Cube 3 already.

SO, there ya go....three offerings to definitely eat up an evening. For those of you who skipped down to the list section, all you gotta do is plug these into your search bar:

Nine Dead
Breathing Room
Cube 2

Enjoy a night of Saw-esque horror, yo~!

Sincerely,

~That Bastard

P.S. - you know what else eats up afternoons? I have, like, five blogs altogether...why dontcha go check 'em out? Or, hell, brag about having found me to your friends before I get all e-popular and shit.

Go oooooon, I'll still love ya ba-by~! That Bastard doesn't diminish by being shared, shit...juices get multiplied~!

Seriously, stop keeping me a fucking secret already!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Oh God the things I would do to Rebecca Ferratti...oh, and a few movies for you to enjoy!

Y'know, eventually while hanging out with my gee-manly friends spouting gee-manly poetry and pure gee-manly lies, the question of "Tits or Ass?" comes up.

I'm a fucking omnivore, I eat a woman whole, y'knowwhatImean?

With THAT stated, I (for once) am torn about one woman. I mean, which is better...

Rebecca Ferratti's ass or Rebecca Ferratti's rack?

I haven't been this torn since I had the same question about Sophia Loren and Monica Bellucci...maybe it's a Italian woman kinda thing? Just so smoking hot that to be asked that question is tantamount to cerebral suicide.

I mean, choose between Heaven and Heaven? Fuck you, man, fuck you.

For the record, Rebecca Ferratti is the lead female protagonist of the wonderfully done (fuck the haters) movie you can find on Netflix right the fuck now by the name of "Gor."

Okay, quick story recap: dude is a totally beta professor type, right? A ring he's wearing transports him tot he mythical world of Gor, a place of desert sands and flashing swords where every man is an alpha and all the women (who are also alphas) are treated like slaves.

That's...pretty much the gist of it.

Prepare for all kinds of swords, daggers and misogyny! Eventually the professor grows a pair, stops being so useless and turns into OMEGA ALPHA, only to find himself in the end...

Well, I won't give THAT way at least! Suffice it to say this movie pissed off both feminazis, REAL feminists, people who just believe in the ethical and moral ideal that men and women deserve equal respect, and Gor book fanboys and Gorean lifestyle enthusiasts. Yeah, I own a few of the books...but meh, I just enjoyed the movie 'cuz of the huge delicious distraction that Rebecca Ferratti provided.

WARNING!: the trailer ain't in English~!



God, I should've had this in my '80's blowout post...the hair, THE HAIR! I half-expect to see leg warmers on the wimmenz in this movie...

Y'know, I'm going on a diet as of now. So will you within the first five or ten minutes of the movie "Feed," a thriller-horror...well, just gross-out horror...where a guy goes about capturing women (well, it's implied in the movie), feeding them to death all whilst video taping it and putting it on the internet where people can bid on when the fatty will die. Basically a movie centering around the one scene of "Gluttony" from Seven, and THAT shit is just...gah.

Oh, and cannibalism too of the ritualistic/auto-cannibalistic type as well as the unsuspecting kind. Gotta love them cannibals.

With what can only be described of as a ironic soundtrack, this movie really does deliver on what it suggests: people feeding in both the carnal and the gastrointestinal sense. I'm not one for either harem (as in suuuuuper fat chicks) OR "bbw's," I mean I like me some big wimmenz....but there's an upper limit I'm willing to go to (or they won't be able to keep up with my exercisin') as well as a lower limit (I break 'em in half. Period.), and I'd like to think that I'm pretty generous when it comes to my standards. All that I ask is that ya keep up with me OR, barring that, provide me with a challenge and support me in gettin' to your speed. Anyway, I'm not one for those types but geeez...this movie is, just, like....so much about that!

Now, I like flesh like the next guy...but MAN, the whole run of the movie all I can think about is that line from Madagascar "We're ALL steak!" If you're into vore, oral sex alongside some of the most carnal scenes you'd like to experience or you're simply just a freak (like meeee~!) you'll really, I do mean REALLY, enjoy this movie. Keep in mind it's not as cannibalistic as I make it out to seem...but the parts that DO show up is just all "ewwwww."

May I suggest pants off today whilst viewing this movie? Good show, good show!



It's because of that movie I'm going to use the line "Let's feed a fat woman...TO ANOTHER FAT WOMAN!" Seriously, the entire movie is one mindfuck of a vore's paradise.

Well, outside of the whole "first person perspective of being eaten"...

Are you ready for something GLORIOUSY CHEESY?!!! SIMPLY..FUCKING GLORIOUS?!

Okay, if you're going to be horrible and B-rated, then you should DEEEEEFINITELY try to be the best of the worst, y'knowwhatImean? This movie, the very movie I am about to tell you 'bout, is what happens when you take student martial artists, college-aged apprentice stuntmen and novice choreographers and put them together with free-to-download indie rock/metal music (for the most part, I swear to god every last one of them sounded like this). Let's not forget D-rated special effects, horrible makeup work that somehow works and Bud K catalog equipment. Let's not forget a bleh storyline, some pretty good fight scenes that make you forget about the bleh storyline and somewhat memorable characters OH, and let's also add a few lines from My Way Entertainment I swear to God I heard them say "He's 'The Bomb,' he's the fucking Bomb! He's going to kill you and eat your fucking costumes!" Put it together with all the gusto of college aged students can muster and you have a fuckin' awesome movie of staunchly honest proportions.

I'm talkin' 'bout Ninjas Versus Zombies.

Okay, I'm not even going to go into the details of how these "ninjas" come across their equally cheesy "powers" and their vampire turncoat ladyfriend...oh, and their magic-using ninja. Anyway, they just have these powers and come to the realization that they're fucking ninjas. They exist to kill vampires, who (of course) view humanity as a snack and are hatching an evil plot to reduce the world to ashes and rebuild both humanity and vampires.

Or was it just vampires?

Meh, what I DO remember fondly about this movie is how slightly-cool (more like cheesy-cool, but yeah) the fight scenes are. They're not bad, even if they're overly-rehearsed in a few sequences, and sure: EVERYONE IS WEARING BLACK! On the other hand it doesn't fail to satisfy that B-rated craving, y'knowwhatImean?

Do NOT expect amazing dialogue. Do NOT expect great cinematography. Do expect to see a mash-up of Blade (1 and 3, never 2...that doesn't exist, that peice of filth) and anything starring Jay and Silent Bob though.

"Shit fuck..penis!" is pretty much the extent of some of the character's dialogue. And you know what? I'll just chill back with my Bachelor Chow, turn the volume up and laugh like a moron, 'cuz it's just that kind of movie you enjoy when yer relaxin' with your homeboys not looking for anything cerbreal or noteworthy.

You just want to watch a stupid movie that's prue fucking awesome.

Hell, I remember it with much more kindness than I do Ninjas Versus Aliens...and I didn't mind NVA THAT much either~!



Okay, I was readin' over some of the comments...and there's a point there. I like this movie for the same reason why I like the Kwoon "series"...it's porno-level goodness without the porn. If porno producers tried to make a action flick, a real movie, without porn stars or starlets (well, three or four...maybe five...okay, seven....okay, nevermind any kind of defense - they ALL look like they could be low-budget porno actors/actresses) this is what you'd get.

Now, I almost forgot...I have recently FINALLY watched what has to be one of the most amazing films in Rutger Hauer's career.

I won't give away anything, because I cannot. Once you know of the title, you'll know exactly why.

I'm talking about Hobo With A Shotgun.



Fuck you man, this is the greatest movie EVER made! All the awesomeness of 80's cheese, a cavalcade of sheer violence...and so many anatomically incorrect kills and breaks that it's just...wow.

I cannot honestly say that you should watch this ENOUGH. You should. If you're a violence hound, you WILL!

Sorry for the short post, I've just gotten somewhat REALLY busy as of late, and figured it's best to have three offerings up rather than nothing, right? Right!

SO, here's the list (for those of you who just scrolled down to here):

Gor
Feed
Ninjas Versus Vampires

There ya go~! Just plug that into yer Netflix search and enjoy the good stuff, eh? One afternoon of guaranteed time wasted yet enjoyed~!

'Til next time, kiddies!

Monday, August 8, 2011

WTF Netflix?! - SPOILERS ALART!

That's right, it's time for bloopers, blunders, and persistent bowel movements that Netflix has to offer.

It's time for "WTF Netflix?!"

Okay, so to divine is err what is forgiveness human. You heard me. Every company, whether new or having been around, is allowed a mistake every now and then. When it persists though, they should be beaten and purged from the strata of society. Some of these issues still persist today, despite our (and others) complaints. Some are just downright fucking awful, and Netflix should feel bad for having it in their lineup.

Wanna see? Check this out:

1) KAMINA DIIIIIIES! Episode 8's major fuckup. Okay, there's this anime that is truly top 10 god tier awesome by the name of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. It's got TOOOONS of action, the prerequisite amount of Gainaxing and bewbs, a time skip and quite a few unexpected (but awesome) twists. And everything keeps getting BIGGER AND FUCKING BIGGER. Plus, more drills. Also, YOURS IS THE DRILL THAT PIERCES THE HEAVENS! And plenty of BELIEVE IN ME WHO BELIEVES IN YOU!

Lots of KICK REASON TO THE CURB and ROW ROW FIGHT THA POWAH!

So, naturally I fucking love this show.

NOW, it takes a bit of persuasion (coughcoughPEERPRESSUREcoughcough) to get my partner in crime to check it out with me, right? I mean I love it so much, I wanna share it with the one person I love that much in the whole world who ain't myself or my left hand.

Side note: remember kids, left hand is for "love," right hand is "hate."

Anyway, so she gets into it after a small while and is really enjoyin' the cruisin', right? All is great...until episode 8.

SPOILER ALART: Kamina fucking dies in episode 8. Now, this is an INCREDIBLY (depending on your viewpoint) important plot point, one that peppers the entire series from then on. The man is, in fact, larger in death than he was in life.

It also comes as a complete shock for those who watch this series for the first time.

Netflix streaming episode 8...is actually episode 9. And Kamina's unsuspected death is BLARED OUT RIGHT THERE IN THE OPENING FUCKING RECAP!

Now my PIC is pissed out of her mind and, honestly, so am I. I'll hopefully get to talk her into watching it with me again from a much more trusted source (DEEVEEDEEEE) but we'll see. So yeah, thanks Netflix...

2) Golgo 13 Season 2 = Honey and Clover Season 2. Apparently someone in Netflix thinks the adventures of the greatest assassin the world has ever seen, famed for pulling off impossible shots like someone popping a single guy in a helicopter by firing through the only two windows that line up between two buildings while on top of and towards the back of a hangar, also happens to be the weird coming-of-age story of a group of artists (and I think a musician, or am I confusing it with Canta...whatever it is Nodame?) in college and their adventures with a teenaged artist of genius level. Their stresses and every day discoveries is, apparently, on par with a man who kills human beings with ice cold efficiency bordering on O.C.D. and bangs every single fucking thing that has a hole (seriously, Golgo 13 fucks as much as Rick Rude, apparently).

Doesn't even matter if it's warm or not. Oh those crazy artistic types...

Hell, compare for yourself! The promo for Golgo 13: The Professional (the 1980's animated film, but really the material is the same...if not less focus on tits)



versus Honey and Clover:



Yes, so very similar those two titles are...

3) Thankskilling. WHYYYY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! AT LEAST SANTAS SLAY WAS FUCKING ENTERTAINING!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!! GIVE ME MY TWO HOURS BACK, GIVE IT BACK!!!!

4) Thor Almighty. I actually thought his was the recent Thor movie that was in theaters...until I watched it. I woke up fifteen minutes into the movie and turned it off. Fucking Syfy original films...and, while we're on the subject:

5) ANYTHING from Syfy Original movies (outside of Martian Chronicles - that's fucking awesome.) You should all be aware that I have spotted one of those Megapython versus Jump the Shark movies on the listing. You should be aware that Syfy Original Movies is the worst thing to happen to cinematography since Ed Woods. At least Ed Woods is a fucking cult icon nowadays...

6) Merlin. No, seriously, there's this movie mini-series called Merlin that was a wondrous retelling of the Merlin mythos post-Arther saga. It was absolutely amazing with its' B+-rated special effects, believable casting (hey, fuck you, I dig the people they chose!) and awesome narrative.

Then there's Merlin: Book of Beasts. Everything I said about the mini-series is the complete opposite with this horrid HORRID piece of horrible. I can't even knock this movie enough, it's that..just...ugh. The dialogue sucks, the battles were made for a musical apparently, the fucking ACCENTS...I like accents. I really dig accents. Nothin's hotter then a chick/dude/trap rubbing up against ya on a hot sweaty day wearing nothing but a bathing suit and whispering sweet nothings from another language in yer oh-so-clean ear.

Your ear BETTER be clean. Mine always is (twice a day~!), y'knowwhatI'msayin'?

Anyway, I dig chicks with British accents. I dig chicks with Scottish accents. I dig chicks with Irish accents.

These are the accents of such locales only when produced by a complete and utter derp.

I'm actually exaggerating a little, they're not that bad...just unbearable to hear.

7) Screwing around with their payment plans and offerings. I know it's a little thing ultimately, but we JUST JOINED Netflix, like, four months ago or something and y'know what?! Fuck you, we JUST joined and NOW you change on us? Story of my life, man. Naturally we're with the Streaman Master Race. It's a sure-fire win~!

Next on Netflix This! (yes you have to have the exclamation point there, it's part of the goddamn title godommot fronk) I slobber all over what has to be one of the most incredible grindhouse-style (TOTALLY exploitative, bro!) movies ever made this side of our century. I also throw out a couple of good movies you should really stream and watch if, for no other reason, than to say that you saw somethin' good in the evening after work.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Really this is more an excuse to tell you 'bout Needless rather than being Weeaboo Tiem again...

Oh god, OH GOD Needless.

You may not be into anime, in fact...you might hate it. But if you're that type of person who hates anime but happened to secretly like the anime "Teppo Tengen Gurren Lagann," then do I got one that's right up your alley!

Battles, martial arts madness all over the fucking place, POWERFUL POWERRRRRS, MY POWER IS GREATER THAN YOURS IS-an, and tons upon tons of tits and ass.

This is basically distilled S.Cry.Ed (for those who have read the manga, it's practically the fucking same) with more lesbionic teenaged chicks. Hell, they even call themselves "The Beautiful Girls Squad," and the sheer amount of delicious peaches rubbing together is fuckin' phenomenal! Nothin' too x-rated, hell not even r-rated really...but man, NC-17 to the friggin' maximum.

In b4 "THEY'RE LESBIANS THEY DON'T LIKE GUYS" everyone likes everyone. Also in b4 depraved bisexual.

Suffice it to say, the over-the-top vidyuh game style battles is what gets me so goin' on about this show, ESPECIALLY what they do upon defeating someone. JUDGEMENT: EXECUTION indeed!

Well, just take a look for your goddamned self, it's fuckin' awesome!



Okay, so you're not into J-Rock? Plus I gotta admit, that's less a trailer and more just a bunch of shots strewn together with the first seasons opening song playin'...so perhaps a bit more is needed to slake your curiosity? Here's episode 1 on Youtube:



MAN, it completely sucks balls that this is only two seasons long...and the entirety of the second season takes place in the main badguy's tower. But hey, if you can put up with fifty episodes for one power-up at Namek on DBZ, then you can put up with this shit...especially with all the fuckin' battles, no filler.

Just pure fuckin' banghead-hard violence with no excuses beyond "I'm gonna KILL this fucker!"

Or am I gettin' it confused with one of my own stories? Oh well...

So I've been keepin' it reaaaally classy as fuck as of late, watchin' this anime series loosely (actually, a lot more than they suggest) based on La Comte de Monte Cristo called "Gankutsuou." If you've read either the Count of Monte Christo or have seen the Johnny Derp version of Sweeney Todd, then you know damn well what the plot is: dude gets conspired against and is thrown into a (intergalactic) prison under false charges, while his conspirators each profit greatly from his downfall and rise up the ranks of Parisian noble society...especially his best friend, who tells the man's fiancee that he has died and, in her sadness and despair, she marries the best friend instead, the friend who has always coveted her since the three were friends as children.

BUT, the story doesn't end there! After ten long years the man, imprisoned yet innocent of his crimes, sells his soul to a demonic creature who ALSO was held at that intergalactic prison and in exchange for granting him invulnerability, strength of will and power the man will give Gankutsuou his body and soul.

What unravels from there is a WONDERFUL piece of drama that is immeasurably powerful, truly the fucked up goings-ons of those with too much power and not enough sensibility (let alone morals) and vengeance.

Sheer, beautiful vengeance.

The drama is brilliant, the parallels to it's source material (The Count of Monte Christo, have you read it? By Alexander Dumas? Go read it right now if you haven't, then thank me) is far closer than a simple "loosely based on" merits. I swear certain scenes were taken right from the book, and handled beautifully. Even more so, the art style they chose uses this layered-on photoshop of what I would at least consider to be highest quality, if anything because of how visually striking it makes everything look. It's almost like watching living murals at times, much in the same way I've said happens in Soul Taker (not that crappy movie that got destroyed by MST3K but, rather, the anime that I swear to God defined my way of thinking about story presentation during 2001-2005) what-with all the murals and the mind-trippiness of the beauty...

Now, while we're on the subject of amazing works of animated stories, I've recently stumbled over this series called The Guin Saga. It's pure, hard fantasy in the same sense of Record of Lodoss War and Rune Soldier, or even Bastard!! (one of my all-time faves, both manga and anime), but it stars the titular Guin, a powerful warrior of hand-to-hand as well as swordfighting prowess. A battle strategist unparalleled, he also has laser-targeted amnesia like a motherfucker and only actually remembers that his name is Guin and the word "Aurra." He also has a leopard's head. Not a leopardskin over his head, his head is a fuckin' leopard's head. Despite this he has the body of a human and just, overall, seems to be under a curse.

It actually starts with the invasion of Parros, a city that has long since gone soft without having to fight, by their neighboring country, intent on killing their king, queen and the "Twin Pearls of Parros," a pair of twins with rather notable abilities and powers. The young twins are teleported out of there by this Tower of Jannis (or however ya spell that) and instead of being sent towards their loving aunt (a ruler of yet another country) and protection they are instead, buffeted by the winds of fate (so it would seem in the manga, not that I've read it) they're sent dead into the heart of their neighbor country, ten days ride in over a few seconds.

There they run into immediate trouble with a guard post...and the freshly awakened Guin who proceeds to wreck their shit with pure, open-handed violence.

From there they go on to acquire a monkey-girl princess and a mercenary swordsman with a sixth sense for danger (apparently if he disappears, you know trouble's about to hit).

Y'now, fuck the rest of the shit: it's all about watching what amounts to a fantasy-version of King (or Armor King) beat the crap out of everyone he comes across, and even if he seems to comply and simply goes along with things it's only because he's going to allow you to rope him and the kids up...and he'll beat your shit down later.

Seriously, he's such an amazing fighter it practically dwarfs the amazing storytelling, characterization and interactions not to mention this wonderfully fantasy world...

Well, you get the point.

The entire anime (24 episodes when, apparently, there's like 600 fucking volumes for the manga!) is made of pure Tekken boner and badassed bravery. If you don't like that or hardcore fantasy, you should stay FAAAR away from this one!

BEWARE, no english in this trailer:



So let's summarize with this list of stuff to watch! Just plug this into yer search bar:

Needless (YOU NEED TO SEE THIS! Serious, Masami Ohbari weeps with pride for this 'un!)
Gankutsuou
The Guin Saga

There! Now THAT is more than enough to eat up an evening or three! Next post I'm gonna have a mixed bag, namely this Dutch little animated flick that's just pure fucked-upness...it's like Pretty Woman if it wasn't a peice of celluloid fantastical bullshit.

You heard me...I friggin' hate Julia Roberts. Horse-faced sallow-chested whorebeast...how can ANY of you think she's hot? Then again I say the same damn thing about every single chick in Sex and the City, even Kim Catrell!

Heather Locklear though, NOW we're talkin'!!!!