Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hot and Current: Conan 3D (I'll try and keep it as spoiler-free as possible)

Alright reviewers of the Internuggets, I'm putting all of you on fucking alert.

So, I went into Conan (IN THREE DEE NONETHELESS!) fully prepared to get my mad hatter of hate on. I don't even mean my NORMAL kind of hate, just pure and unrelenting hate bordering on haet.

A hate so hateful that it MUST be misspelled.

Now, lemme pull back to a coupla days. I call up one of my closest friends (let's just call him "The Ace" for now) and we talk about stuff, y'know? Just stuuuuuuff. Gettin' caught up, that kinda thing. Then he hits me back with a couple of things, a favor and an offer. The favor is that he needs a ride out of Bellingham in order to get this super-ultra-awesome 19 inch monitor that's all the way the fuck out Lynden. Afterwards we can either chillax and play some vidyuh gaems (I'm hardcore vidyuh. He's even harder of the core. Suffice it to say we've had some good times, man, just dominating the fuck outta arcades and such...) or he could score a coupla tickets to go watch Conan in 3D.

Now we've discussed Conan before, how I feel about Hollyfucked and their fascination with remakes and reboots.

I hate 'em both, generally speaking. Almost as much as I hate sequels.

Now, he didn't have to really talk me THAT much into it after giving me this mindset to think on: treat original Conan (yes, even The Destroy, ya hatin' bastages) like Jack Nicholson's Joker and treat New Conan (IN TRIPLE-DEEZ!) like Heath Ledger Joker.

Now, I really REALLY dug Heath Ledger's Joker (not better than Jack's, but he's up there, y'know? Simply a different take on the Joker legend), so I switched from my frothing-at-the-mouth-hatred and ready to rip it a new one to "hey, let's give it a shot."

And y'know what? I manned up, apologized to The Ace, told him that he was right and I was wrong.

Conan was fuckin' INCREDIBLE!!!! It was far closer to the source material of the comics and novels by Robert E. Howard, what with Jason Momoa gettin' his barbarian on with the best of 'em and HOLY SHIT IS THAT BOB SAPP?

Yes, yes it is kids. It's fucking Bob Sapp as Captain Brosef Brofferson, a sidekick that could have his own fucking movie.

Okay, okay let's not get ahead of ourselves. First and foremost, why am I slinging such hate at certain Internuggets reviewers? Because this is not a movie to go to and expect cerebral, deep or philosophical film making.

This is fantasy-based Sin City. This is Advanced Dungeons and Dragons with grittier combat and prettier landscapes. The CGI wasn't too overpowering and the camera angles were fucking awesome.

Do not go and watch this movie expecting witty dialogue (though there IS some of that!), and do not go to watch a bunch of characters on the screen do anything other than bond over drunken rowdiness and generalized slaughter.

Seriously, it's like being plopped right back into the good ol' '80's with the gore and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IS THE CHOREOGRAPHY GOOD! Seriously, this is the kind of movie you WANT to watch for the fight scenes!


As far as the pacing is concerned (which seems to be the number one complaint), not only is this a full-blown retelling of the masterful DeLaurentiis vehicle but there are quite a few people involved with Conan's quest for vengeance and certain things must be glossed over in exchange for satisfying fight scenes. Now, both my own august and glorious self as well as The Ace agree on various points: sure, this movie could've been made better if certain characters had longer fight scenes. Sure, this movie would've been AWESOME if a certain someone had come back in a certain someone else and backstabbed her husband and became some kind of violent goddess of battle for Conan to rape and kill, but that too would've only made the movie better...and possibly fuck up the ending too.

Bob Sapp is an amazing talent, and it was good to see Conan paired up with people who, y'know, weren't just targets for some cheap emotional ass-pulls by the directors but could stand up on their own two feet (even though the thief needed help, he was still a badass in his own right). Also while the monk girl still pulled some damsel in distress moments, they were rather weak in light of her actions. I mean, the girl could stand toe to toe with some of the most wicked characters in the movie!

Speakin' about wicked, HOLY SHIT ROSE MCGOWAN IS FUCKING EVIL! Just...evil. Like, super-hot evil. Like, if you thought those chicks in Dune were hot, y'know, those priestesses? Yeah, now make them evil and with all those psychic powers turned to necromancy as well.

My only complaint: it would've been SO much wincest if her father just accepted her loving attentions and boned the fuck out of her. She looks like her mother? Cool. She's suckling gently on your thumb? Doubleplusgood. She ALSO practices necromancy and is assisting you to become a god and rule the world?

Holy shit, you're already evil JUST FUCKING GO FOR IT! In b4 vile hatred and slander.

No, seriously, if you're the badguy you might as well go all the way. McGowan's character is evil, powerful, strong and completely loyal to him. He's brutal, evil, vicious and has already slaughtered thousands in his search for this artifact.

DUUUUUUUUDE, it is fuckin' TIME! Except he should've had her call him "Daddy" the entire time they'd be knocking boots.

I gotta admit to y'all, I was sooooo disappoint when he just dropped that issue with a "You look like your mother...but you can never be her."


Anway, to quote The Ace, "This Conan doesn't just make allies...he makes BROS!" Seriously, the side characters are as interesting and varied (and archetypal) as Conan himself is. ESPECIALLY Ukafa, the pirate captain that took Conan under his wing when he was younger.

Did I mention that Ukafa, a.k.a. Captain Broseff Brofferson McEightPoppedCollars, was played by a slightly fat Bob Sapp? Dude still looked like he could tear your head off and shit down your neck. Seriously, the monk girl could've been completely ixnayed out of the movie (for all that it would've taken out a Cinemax-worthy sex scene and a decent chunk of muscular Hawaiian guy ass. Seriously, you could've bounced a brick off dat ass) and it could've ended with Captain Broseff, BroThief, and Bronan riding off into the sunset all Three Amigos style.

As is, the sex scene wasn't NEARLY rough enough. Another thing I gotta agree with The Ace 'bout, but still...he's a fucking barbarian. Sure he employed strategical thinking and logic, and actually was as much of a thinker as he was a "KILL FUCKING EVERYTHING" kinda guy, but stiiiiiiill...

NOOOOOOOOOOW, let's get down to Conan himself. I actively disagree with what other reviewers have said 'bout Jason Momoa's version: he speaks when he needs to, only speaks to others in demands and grunts, roars with power and has such a violent grace that I HAD to give him props for it. This is what Howard's Conan was like, a true Byronic anti-hero, a barbarian who didn't give two fucks about civilized, proper mannerisms and pretty much killed and fucked his way through life, intent only on his goals at the expense of all.

BUT, Conan has an extreme sense of honor and loyalty despite his barbarism.

"I fight, I slay, and I love. I am content."

My fucking god, what a line~!!! And delivered with believable panache as well.

So no, you other reviewers, it is NOT okay what you're sayin'. This movie not only lives up to Ahnold's legacy, but Howard's intent as well. This movie is an excellent beat-'em-up with awesome camera angles, slick maneuvers, a superb level of choreography and OH, by the way, it has Ron Pearlman as Conan's father.

I am indeed content!

Now, ever since Transformers 2 I basically won't talk about a movie I've just watched until the day after. That's because my inner fanboy might have actually blinded me to something that is, in fact, pure crap (a.k.a. - Transformers 2). I'll never forgive Michael Bay for Jar Jar Binks...er, I mean, Skids and Mudflap...nor will I ever forgive him for the bullshit dick and fart jokes (wrong movie, dawg, it's funny when Jay and Silent fucking Bob does it, not fucking Optimus goddamned Prime he is Robosus you do not fuck with that dawg) nor the ENTIRE college arc and defeating the very core idea of Transformers by introducing a fully human-looking fembot.

Hell, simply having Shia LeDouche in the movie is enough to make me hate Michael Bay.

Now, I saw this movie yesterday. I have settled down and weighed the pros and cons...and I still love this movie and will buy it the MOMENT it comes out on DVD.

I mean, I do have SOME cons...namely it lacks the same kind of audio punch the Ahnold movies did. I mean, it was good...but it wasn't, say, "The Kitchen/The Orgy."

I mean, Ahnold's Conan had music that was more epic than the movies!

Also, the sex scene needed to be rougher. It was too gentle and loving for me to think it was anything other than Fabio masturbating on a field of middle-aged soccer moms. Lastly, they needed a longer battle between the one female general of the evil king (the one who always struck me as being "THAT KIND" of miniboss, y'know? Just thaaat kind, you get to them and you're like "GODAMMIT WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING HARD FUCK?!!!") and Conan, hell let him fight ANY of the other general-types a bit more than what happened and deeeefinitely could've used more Bob Sap.

Captain Brosef Brofferson was that fucking entertaining!

I really also hope they continue exploring this world with a few sequels. So long as they don't fuck it up and keep the proper people, it'll be a wonderful thing to check out, y'knowwhatImean?

Altogether this is not a movie where you want to watch people dancing, singing and having a good time. This is not a movie to take your fucking kids to.

No, this was a movie that was an excellent example of cinema violence galore, with plenty of blood and viscera. This is a movie where the storyline takes place during the fight scenes, and you're here to have a good time watching faces get bashed the fuck in.

So yeah, I'm suggesting you put money on this one. Tell 'em That Bastard sent ya!

It won't mean a goddamned thing, but maaaan...I bet it'd sound cool the moment you actually DID! Well, to me at least.

I'm That Bastard, and I'm putting my good name and word on your enjoyment of this movie.


~That Bastard

P.S. - I swore I'd hate this movie unless New Conan did at least ONE thing that was a throwback to Ahnie Baby. And y'know what? HE DID! So yeah, I can honestly say I like this movie now. I'm just sayin'...


  1. I wasn't even considering this movie, even though I really liked Momoa in Stargate (Yeah, I'm a real loser) and in Game of Thrones - just on principle alone (and the fact that Momoa doesn't have blue eyes..)

    Your quick rundown at the top (I didn't read past spoilers) has changed my mind. If I don't love this movie I am coming for you.

  2. @Dan - BWABWABWA I AIN'T EVEN AFRAID NIGGA BRING IT COME AT ME BRO no seriously, if you had read past the spoilers (sorry, but I'm surprised I held back for as LONG as I did!) you'd read how I actually do suggest this movie if you're in the mood for fantasy-based violence.

    Swords and blood and crushed bone, my friend. That's what's in store for you. Just don't go expecting fucking chess plays or somethin' like that...this kinda movie appeals to only yer baser natures and by the time you leave you might just headbutt a stranger.

    I'm just sayin' bro...

  3. No, totally - I already made plans with my dad to check it out on Thursday. My hopes were low, so worst case - I was right. Best case? Blowjobs! And the movie being good.

    I am always in the mood for fantasy based violence.

  4. OMG, I thought you were talking about Conan O'Brien. >_< Feel like a dork now.

  5. I need to see the original in its entirety first before I even think about seeing this. I do love Jason Momoa though. He was great in "Game of Thrones".

  6. He was great in Game of Thrones, so I'm looking forward to this one. :)

  7. I have to admit I've never seen the original Conan movie

  8. When I first read "Hot and Current: Conan 3D" I thought you meant the game Age of conan.. thought they'd made a movie from a bad game, gonna check this movie out tho :)

  9. I skipped over the spoilers, but now I want to watch this one on the big screen. Thanks.

  10. @Dan - B-blowjobs? The hell? I-awwww hell naw bro. Last time I got a blowjob from a bearded dude he left my thighs looking like they underwent sandpaper torture.

    @Tracirz - BAAAAHAHA, yeah. Naw, different Conan. This is CONAN, in all caps with pure barbarian rage and such. I don't even think there's any gingers in the movie, now that I think about it...

    @FG Bastard and OG Bowen - Yeah, I keep hearing about Game of Thrones and how good it, and he, is. I really need to check it out on Comcast or somethin'. :/

    @ICOTD - GASP! I'm fairly certain you can find a free movie viewer or somethin' with Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer, y'know? Check 'em out, then dare to compare to the remake~!

    @Shock - word, bro! AND in 3D.