Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Movies So Bad They're Entertaining~!

Y'know, sometimes I watch a movie expecting something so horrible that I just love my mind and go crazy with rage.

And then...sometimes I watch a movie that's so fucking bad it's good.

This post is about four of such offerings...I swear to God I watched three of them in a row. I still don't know why.

WHAT IS IT WITH HOLLYWEIRD AND WHITE PEOPLE HEADLINING THINGS THEY SHOULDN'T?! I don't give a fuck how "believable" the story might bet, the only great white hope amongst ninjas was Chris fucking Farley. The guy they got as the main protagonist of what SHOULD be a shitfest is a fairly good martial artist, is at least somewhat athletic and is as believable a ninja with his Bud K uniform as...well, Chris Farley was in Beverly Hills Ninja.

Only, strangely enough...the fight scenes were actually pretty good.

I mean, the gear is practically ALL Bud K equipment, and ain't nothin' faker than that, y'knowwhatI'msayin'? But maaaan...the fight sequences weren't bad, really.

So much so that I kept watching it, for some reason, until the end.

Now, when I first started watching it I was thoroughly expecting to compare it to the jaw-droppingly good Ninja Assassin (STORY IDEA: HE'S A NINJA WHO IS AN ASSASSIN WHO IS ALSO A NINJA WHO ASSASSINATES OTHER NINJAS WHO ARE ALSO ASSASSINS WHO CANNOT ASSASSINATE THE NINJA ASSASSIN BECAUSE HE IS AN ASSASSIN OF NINJAS...WHO IS ALSO A NINJA!), and while it pales in comparison costume-wise and even choreographed fighting-wise...but man, it was surprisingly good when I was expecting it to be just THAT horrible, y'knowwhatImean?

Go ahead and give it a try, eh?

LOL SCOTT ADKINS jesus fuckin' god white people need to stop doing shit like this. You can't be the last goddamned Samurai, you're Tom Cruise you're not even japanese. Insert "Tom Hanks is the Last Nigga On Earf" joke here.

Bloody Mallory - y'know, the French have put out some decent flicks, strangely enough. I mean, they're the French, right? So I thought when I first watched Dark Portals: The Chronicles of Vidocq (FUCK YEAH BIG HONKIN' NOSED GERARD DEPARDIEU HE WAS A GODDAMN MUSKETEER!) as well as The Horde, which wasn't just good it was fuckin' EXCELLENT!. Hell, apparently the French have a huge history of making pretty good horrors...and Bloody Mallory doesn't fit the bill exactly.

Okay, take Sin City, right? You got that comic book angle goin' on, and the whole larger-than-life characterization goin' on. Right? Good.

Still with me? Now make it French, somewhat cheesy and basically...well, I WAS going to call it "V.I.P. - The Movie" but then a coupla fight scenes actually got me goin'. Especially the mute little telepathic girl who can possess other bodies (and memories) at will...

Altogether though, the movie my attention and actually (GASP!) kept it! Which is weird 'cuz it's just sooooo fuckin' horrible, and yet...

And yet I watched it! Like, all of it.

Let's see, you got the black french tranny, the fake-redhead straight outta Run Lola Run, the mute telepath girl and their government correspondent who dies in the beginning but is later replaced with a martial arts-wielding priest of the church. The fucking pope gets kidnapped and that's when fallen angels come into play in the storyline.

I swear to fucking god, it's like I was the one who wrote it! The fight scenes are deliciously cheesy, the character interactions are laughable at best...and yet there are moments when they're believable too.

Altogether, Bloody Mallory is, like, the WORST movie I have ever seen...but in the best of ways.

Y'know, I like this movie for the same reason why I loved the "Tales From A Parallel Universe" movie series, back before it became "L.E.X.X." It's just good ol' fashioned B-rated sci-fi-y fun.

Mallory herself (whose character is pretty much an expy of Bloody Mary or somethin', or perhaps Lizzie Borden) actually stands up to my badassed meter, with cute little comebacks every now and then - hell, she even swallowed a friggin' 10,000 year old prophecy (er, parchment?) as a response to "How can you stop a 10,000 year prophecy?"

She just snags the paper, balls it up, stuffs it into her mouth, chews and fuckin' swallows.

Now THAT is badassed!

I hate to quote another reviewer on Youtube, but he's got a point: this is basically Buffy the Vampire Slayer having dirty sex with Buckaroo Banzai.

Well, hell...take a look and judge for yourself. Lol, a french film and the only trailer I can find is in german:

Y'know, I'm somewhat disappoint when it comes to horror movies nowadays. It's either "Me-Too, Me-Too!" gorror bullshit or simply obvious VAT A TWEEST endings.

The V-Word did not disappoint in that I expected every single fucking thing that happened to it.

I mean, the movie itself was that I don't even remember two-thirds of what it's about! It's basically the more "vampires aren't mystical, only predatory beasts" angle and just runs with it.

Thats...pretty much all I remember of it. I dunno, maybe I'm giving this a bad ribbing? All I remember is that I watched the damn thing all the way to the end, and that's pretty much it.

I don't even remember WHY I watched it to the end...but there ya go. The V-Word. Derp.

SPEAKIN' ABOUT VAMPIRES, there's this movie...oh god, okay Ninjas Versus Vampires was surprisingly good. Then there's this stinkfest known as Bloodwars.

Oh my god, the fight sequences are horrible, the slang is just fucked up, ROTC REPRESENT but still that doesn't save this horrible horrible "Warlocks Versus Vampires" film.

What does save it? The head vampire dude is the fucker who played Candyman.

My god, what a glorious ham!!!

Honestly, I'm not suggesting ANY of these movies....unless you want to seriously watch a movie that's just so bad it's actually slightly entertaining.

Lookin' for that list? Here ya go!

Bloody Mallory
The V Word

Ugh, maybe Masters of Horror will get good b4 hate and vicious slander.


  1. haven't seen any of these yet, but may I recommend a movie to check out? It's called Noriko's Dinner Table. It's on Netflix Instant, and is something special.

  2. Masters of Horror, the first time around, was great. So sad to see how the mighty have fallen :\

  3. Sometimes I do enjoy so-bad-they're-good movies. But the best ones, I feel, are ones where it's UNINTENTIONAL rather than deliberately cheeky/campy/self-aware ones.

  4. DUDE! You obviously haven't tried House of Daggers yet

  5. I do on occasion have extraordinary bad movie nights with friends, it's great for when you have a difficult problem to work through, the movies are so bad they just shut down all the logic centres of your brain and allow you to make great leaps of imagination and intuition!

  6. @Bowen - DUDE are you honestly TRYING to be my first commenter on every post I make? Geez...I ain't complainin' though! Keep on keepin' on, bro.

    I've actually seen Noriko's Dinner Table (goooood), but I don't quite know where to post it up just yet. It's gotta feel right, y'know? That's how I operate when I blog - I've already forgotten to blog about certain other movies and I've actually seen enough good anime on Netflix that I could blog two more Weeaboo posts.

    @Dan - HNNNNNG not but a year ago I was all Fear Net and Masters of Horror. Then...I dunno, maybe they're running out of material or whatever? It's like friggin' Stephen King, dude's using lamp and coathanger monsters.

    @FG Bastard - MAH NIGGA, you just spoke my friggin' most heartfelt emotions right there, dog!

    On the other hand, SOME campy movies that are self-aware can be awesome too. I actually do place Rocky Horror Picture Show in that range, as well as both Airplane movies and the first Scary Movie.

    And then you have anything ever roasted by MST3K. Every last one of them.

    ESPECIALLY Space Wars or whatever it was called, the one with that guy David Ryder.

    For a year me and my homeboy kept calling each other by his various names: "Big McLargeHuge," "Punch Rockgroin," "Beef Manthrust," "Roll Fizzlebeef."

    @Neon - Wait, the House of Flying Daggers? I've seen that one, and I wouldn't call it baaaaad...just not as good as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

    Still, I'll keep an eye out for it, man! Expect to see a review on it (either roast beefy-weefy or pure That Bastard lurve) once I do, yah?

    @ICOTD - HAH, you have a great point there! For me, it was a thing while growing up that my family would gather around the television after renting intentionally horrible movies and roasting the crap out of them. Lots of fun, those nights, and all are fond memories dear to me.

    Dead Alive was one of those movies. You think on that~! Suffice it to say, my dad was a total badass when it came to a lot of things...but B-rated movies was my mom's forte, for all that my dad ripped the hell outta 'em.

    I learned from the best!

  7. Okay, I'll pause time and watch ninja.