Thursday, August 11, 2011

Oh God the things I would do to Rebecca Ferratti...oh, and a few movies for you to enjoy!

Y'know, eventually while hanging out with my gee-manly friends spouting gee-manly poetry and pure gee-manly lies, the question of "Tits or Ass?" comes up.

I'm a fucking omnivore, I eat a woman whole, y'knowwhatImean?

With THAT stated, I (for once) am torn about one woman. I mean, which is better...

Rebecca Ferratti's ass or Rebecca Ferratti's rack?

I haven't been this torn since I had the same question about Sophia Loren and Monica Bellucci...maybe it's a Italian woman kinda thing? Just so smoking hot that to be asked that question is tantamount to cerebral suicide.

I mean, choose between Heaven and Heaven? Fuck you, man, fuck you.

For the record, Rebecca Ferratti is the lead female protagonist of the wonderfully done (fuck the haters) movie you can find on Netflix right the fuck now by the name of "Gor."

Okay, quick story recap: dude is a totally beta professor type, right? A ring he's wearing transports him tot he mythical world of Gor, a place of desert sands and flashing swords where every man is an alpha and all the women (who are also alphas) are treated like slaves.

That's...pretty much the gist of it.

Prepare for all kinds of swords, daggers and misogyny! Eventually the professor grows a pair, stops being so useless and turns into OMEGA ALPHA, only to find himself in the end...

Well, I won't give THAT way at least! Suffice it to say this movie pissed off both feminazis, REAL feminists, people who just believe in the ethical and moral ideal that men and women deserve equal respect, and Gor book fanboys and Gorean lifestyle enthusiasts. Yeah, I own a few of the books...but meh, I just enjoyed the movie 'cuz of the huge delicious distraction that Rebecca Ferratti provided.

WARNING!: the trailer ain't in English~!

God, I should've had this in my '80's blowout post...the hair, THE HAIR! I half-expect to see leg warmers on the wimmenz in this movie...

Y'know, I'm going on a diet as of now. So will you within the first five or ten minutes of the movie "Feed," a thriller-horror...well, just gross-out horror...where a guy goes about capturing women (well, it's implied in the movie), feeding them to death all whilst video taping it and putting it on the internet where people can bid on when the fatty will die. Basically a movie centering around the one scene of "Gluttony" from Seven, and THAT shit is just...gah.

Oh, and cannibalism too of the ritualistic/auto-cannibalistic type as well as the unsuspecting kind. Gotta love them cannibals.

With what can only be described of as a ironic soundtrack, this movie really does deliver on what it suggests: people feeding in both the carnal and the gastrointestinal sense. I'm not one for either harem (as in suuuuuper fat chicks) OR "bbw's," I mean I like me some big wimmenz....but there's an upper limit I'm willing to go to (or they won't be able to keep up with my exercisin') as well as a lower limit (I break 'em in half. Period.), and I'd like to think that I'm pretty generous when it comes to my standards. All that I ask is that ya keep up with me OR, barring that, provide me with a challenge and support me in gettin' to your speed. Anyway, I'm not one for those types but geeez...this movie is, just, much about that!

Now, I like flesh like the next guy...but MAN, the whole run of the movie all I can think about is that line from Madagascar "We're ALL steak!" If you're into vore, oral sex alongside some of the most carnal scenes you'd like to experience or you're simply just a freak (like meeee~!) you'll really, I do mean REALLY, enjoy this movie. Keep in mind it's not as cannibalistic as I make it out to seem...but the parts that DO show up is just all "ewwwww."

May I suggest pants off today whilst viewing this movie? Good show, good show!

It's because of that movie I'm going to use the line "Let's feed a fat woman...TO ANOTHER FAT WOMAN!" Seriously, the entire movie is one mindfuck of a vore's paradise.

Well, outside of the whole "first person perspective of being eaten"...

Are you ready for something GLORIOUSY CHEESY?!!! SIMPLY..FUCKING GLORIOUS?!

Okay, if you're going to be horrible and B-rated, then you should DEEEEEFINITELY try to be the best of the worst, y'knowwhatImean? This movie, the very movie I am about to tell you 'bout, is what happens when you take student martial artists, college-aged apprentice stuntmen and novice choreographers and put them together with free-to-download indie rock/metal music (for the most part, I swear to god every last one of them sounded like this). Let's not forget D-rated special effects, horrible makeup work that somehow works and Bud K catalog equipment. Let's not forget a bleh storyline, some pretty good fight scenes that make you forget about the bleh storyline and somewhat memorable characters OH, and let's also add a few lines from My Way Entertainment I swear to God I heard them say "He's 'The Bomb,' he's the fucking Bomb! He's going to kill you and eat your fucking costumes!" Put it together with all the gusto of college aged students can muster and you have a fuckin' awesome movie of staunchly honest proportions.

I'm talkin' 'bout Ninjas Versus Zombies.

Okay, I'm not even going to go into the details of how these "ninjas" come across their equally cheesy "powers" and their vampire turncoat ladyfriend...oh, and their magic-using ninja. Anyway, they just have these powers and come to the realization that they're fucking ninjas. They exist to kill vampires, who (of course) view humanity as a snack and are hatching an evil plot to reduce the world to ashes and rebuild both humanity and vampires.

Or was it just vampires?

Meh, what I DO remember fondly about this movie is how slightly-cool (more like cheesy-cool, but yeah) the fight scenes are. They're not bad, even if they're overly-rehearsed in a few sequences, and sure: EVERYONE IS WEARING BLACK! On the other hand it doesn't fail to satisfy that B-rated craving, y'knowwhatImean?

Do NOT expect amazing dialogue. Do NOT expect great cinematography. Do expect to see a mash-up of Blade (1 and 3, never 2...that doesn't exist, that peice of filth) and anything starring Jay and Silent Bob though.

"Shit fuck..penis!" is pretty much the extent of some of the character's dialogue. And you know what? I'll just chill back with my Bachelor Chow, turn the volume up and laugh like a moron, 'cuz it's just that kind of movie you enjoy when yer relaxin' with your homeboys not looking for anything cerbreal or noteworthy.

You just want to watch a stupid movie that's prue fucking awesome.

Hell, I remember it with much more kindness than I do Ninjas Versus Aliens...and I didn't mind NVA THAT much either~!

Okay, I was readin' over some of the comments...and there's a point there. I like this movie for the same reason why I like the Kwoon "series"'s porno-level goodness without the porn. If porno producers tried to make a action flick, a real movie, without porn stars or starlets (well, three or four...maybe five...okay, seven....okay, nevermind any kind of defense - they ALL look like they could be low-budget porno actors/actresses) this is what you'd get.

Now, I almost forgot...I have recently FINALLY watched what has to be one of the most amazing films in Rutger Hauer's career.

I won't give away anything, because I cannot. Once you know of the title, you'll know exactly why.

I'm talking about Hobo With A Shotgun.

Fuck you man, this is the greatest movie EVER made! All the awesomeness of 80's cheese, a cavalcade of sheer violence...and so many anatomically incorrect kills and breaks that it's

I cannot honestly say that you should watch this ENOUGH. You should. If you're a violence hound, you WILL!

Sorry for the short post, I've just gotten somewhat REALLY busy as of late, and figured it's best to have three offerings up rather than nothing, right? Right!

SO, here's the list (for those of you who just scrolled down to here):

Ninjas Versus Vampires

There ya go~! Just plug that into yer Netflix search and enjoy the good stuff, eh? One afternoon of guaranteed time wasted yet enjoyed~!

'Til next time, kiddies!


  1. just took a look at ferratti, wow, what a classic look.

  2. Gor looks like a fun movie to watch, Rebecca Ferratti just seals the deal!

  3. @Steve and ICOTD - Yeah, like Barbarella, y'knowwhatImean?

    Ferratti's on the same level, yo, and both are movies you should really watch at those tender turning-of-age years.

  4. I hate having netflix in canada. So little content.