Monday, August 8, 2011

WTF Netflix?! - SPOILERS ALART!

That's right, it's time for bloopers, blunders, and persistent bowel movements that Netflix has to offer.

It's time for "WTF Netflix?!"

Okay, so to divine is err what is forgiveness human. You heard me. Every company, whether new or having been around, is allowed a mistake every now and then. When it persists though, they should be beaten and purged from the strata of society. Some of these issues still persist today, despite our (and others) complaints. Some are just downright fucking awful, and Netflix should feel bad for having it in their lineup.

Wanna see? Check this out:

1) KAMINA DIIIIIIES! Episode 8's major fuckup. Okay, there's this anime that is truly top 10 god tier awesome by the name of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. It's got TOOOONS of action, the prerequisite amount of Gainaxing and bewbs, a time skip and quite a few unexpected (but awesome) twists. And everything keeps getting BIGGER AND FUCKING BIGGER. Plus, more drills. Also, YOURS IS THE DRILL THAT PIERCES THE HEAVENS! And plenty of BELIEVE IN ME WHO BELIEVES IN YOU!

Lots of KICK REASON TO THE CURB and ROW ROW FIGHT THA POWAH!

So, naturally I fucking love this show.

NOW, it takes a bit of persuasion (coughcoughPEERPRESSUREcoughcough) to get my partner in crime to check it out with me, right? I mean I love it so much, I wanna share it with the one person I love that much in the whole world who ain't myself or my left hand.

Side note: remember kids, left hand is for "love," right hand is "hate."

Anyway, so she gets into it after a small while and is really enjoyin' the cruisin', right? All is great...until episode 8.

SPOILER ALART: Kamina fucking dies in episode 8. Now, this is an INCREDIBLY (depending on your viewpoint) important plot point, one that peppers the entire series from then on. The man is, in fact, larger in death than he was in life.

It also comes as a complete shock for those who watch this series for the first time.

Netflix streaming episode 8...is actually episode 9. And Kamina's unsuspected death is BLARED OUT RIGHT THERE IN THE OPENING FUCKING RECAP!

Now my PIC is pissed out of her mind and, honestly, so am I. I'll hopefully get to talk her into watching it with me again from a much more trusted source (DEEVEEDEEEE) but we'll see. So yeah, thanks Netflix...

2) Golgo 13 Season 2 = Honey and Clover Season 2. Apparently someone in Netflix thinks the adventures of the greatest assassin the world has ever seen, famed for pulling off impossible shots like someone popping a single guy in a helicopter by firing through the only two windows that line up between two buildings while on top of and towards the back of a hangar, also happens to be the weird coming-of-age story of a group of artists (and I think a musician, or am I confusing it with Canta...whatever it is Nodame?) in college and their adventures with a teenaged artist of genius level. Their stresses and every day discoveries is, apparently, on par with a man who kills human beings with ice cold efficiency bordering on O.C.D. and bangs every single fucking thing that has a hole (seriously, Golgo 13 fucks as much as Rick Rude, apparently).

Doesn't even matter if it's warm or not. Oh those crazy artistic types...

Hell, compare for yourself! The promo for Golgo 13: The Professional (the 1980's animated film, but really the material is the same...if not less focus on tits)



versus Honey and Clover:



Yes, so very similar those two titles are...

3) Thankskilling. WHYYYY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! AT LEAST SANTAS SLAY WAS FUCKING ENTERTAINING!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!! GIVE ME MY TWO HOURS BACK, GIVE IT BACK!!!!

4) Thor Almighty. I actually thought his was the recent Thor movie that was in theaters...until I watched it. I woke up fifteen minutes into the movie and turned it off. Fucking Syfy original films...and, while we're on the subject:

5) ANYTHING from Syfy Original movies (outside of Martian Chronicles - that's fucking awesome.) You should all be aware that I have spotted one of those Megapython versus Jump the Shark movies on the listing. You should be aware that Syfy Original Movies is the worst thing to happen to cinematography since Ed Woods. At least Ed Woods is a fucking cult icon nowadays...

6) Merlin. No, seriously, there's this movie mini-series called Merlin that was a wondrous retelling of the Merlin mythos post-Arther saga. It was absolutely amazing with its' B+-rated special effects, believable casting (hey, fuck you, I dig the people they chose!) and awesome narrative.

Then there's Merlin: Book of Beasts. Everything I said about the mini-series is the complete opposite with this horrid HORRID piece of horrible. I can't even knock this movie enough, it's that..just...ugh. The dialogue sucks, the battles were made for a musical apparently, the fucking ACCENTS...I like accents. I really dig accents. Nothin's hotter then a chick/dude/trap rubbing up against ya on a hot sweaty day wearing nothing but a bathing suit and whispering sweet nothings from another language in yer oh-so-clean ear.

Your ear BETTER be clean. Mine always is (twice a day~!), y'knowwhatI'msayin'?

Anyway, I dig chicks with British accents. I dig chicks with Scottish accents. I dig chicks with Irish accents.

These are the accents of such locales only when produced by a complete and utter derp.

I'm actually exaggerating a little, they're not that bad...just unbearable to hear.

7) Screwing around with their payment plans and offerings. I know it's a little thing ultimately, but we JUST JOINED Netflix, like, four months ago or something and y'know what?! Fuck you, we JUST joined and NOW you change on us? Story of my life, man. Naturally we're with the Streaman Master Race. It's a sure-fire win~!

Next on Netflix This! (yes you have to have the exclamation point there, it's part of the goddamn title godommot fronk) I slobber all over what has to be one of the most incredible grindhouse-style (TOTALLY exploitative, bro!) movies ever made this side of our century. I also throw out a couple of good movies you should really stream and watch if, for no other reason, than to say that you saw somethin' good in the evening after work.

5 comments:

  1. My netflix went out. Never thought I'd say this, bug now they deserve the right hand. Or was that left?

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  2. I also can't believe they're changing the prices on everything. The instant stream service was the only reason I got an acct. Now I'm not sure if I will keep it.

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  3. I live in a country with no such service as Netflix. I wish there was. My life would be so much easier.

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  4. haha, First World Problems, man. I feel you though, had to downgrade our membership because they changed the prices :(

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  5. @tracirz - AAAAAAH, god I HATE that phrase! "First World Problems," okay okay I knoooow this isn't as important as, say, "I'm hungry and haven't eaten for one week," but I've been there too and frankly anyone who has a private internet connection and the computer to use it yet hasn't eaten in a week either doesn't know 'bout Food Banks or just has fucked up priorities.

    Seriously. With THAT stated, I do have the right to be pissed out of mind should a company I just signed up for screws with my financial plan.

    Yeaaaaah, makes me wanna get my headbutt on. I ALMOST dropped them out of principle, 'cept I have a friggin' blog that surrounds the idea of Netflix streaming, so...yeaaaah....

    @Mah Homey Bastard - Hey hey, bro...they also have streaming over the Internets, y'know? I still dunno if they got that where yer at, but it's a start...and indeed, quite a stable of movies to enjoy. Just keep in mind to always keep things in balance, y'knowwhatImean? It's too easy to lose an entire afternoon to simply watchin' movies instantly...

    @Timothy Bowen - Inorite?! I mean, we JUST joined them, like, two months ago...no warning at all 'bout this price/service change. Maybe that's what's really getting my goat...

    Yet I do find it a good enough excuse to stay with them (streaming only) in order to continue this blog. I'm havin' a lot of fun typing out these reviews/opinions and hunting out the proper trailers and such.

    On the other hand, don't let THAT stop you from showing them your dissatisfaction! I believe in the universal (not even just American, but UNIVERSAL man~!) right to rabble rabble rabble, y'knowwhatImean?

    Go start some problems for a megacorp, yo.

    @Shock - Left hand is love, right hand is hate. Always keep 'em both handy AHAHAHHHA DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!

    Ahhhh shit son, time to call 'em up and yell the hell out of them. You might get comped a month or somethin', y'knowwhatImean?

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