Saturday, September 17, 2011

Focus on "Fire and Ice"

Holy fucking shit balls, they finally got Frank Frazetta's amazing piece on Netflix This. Fire and Ice is one of the best goddamndest reasons to enjoy animated films, no matter WHERE they come from. Do you like chunky barbarian women? Do you like princesses who are actually NOT inept? Do you like tanned, beefy, muscular badasses? Do you like beefy muscular badasses with wolf masks and humongofuck axes?

Okay, now do you like narm-mouthed albinos who wield powerful earth-shattering magics aw you get the fuckin' point by now, yes? Suffice it to say, Fire and Ice is a standard I try to live up to when it comes to my writing. The background is pure scene pornography (er, most of the time), the writing is sparse where it needs to be and awesome when it has to be, and the villains...

Oh sweet jesus, would YOU trust a guy named Nekron? I wouldn't.

And theeeeen you got the main badass, who isn't even the main character. It's more like the main protagonist is just a sidekick and we're really watching this movie from HIS point of view just to heighten the sheer, unbelievable levels of badassery the actual hero has.

With a hugefuck axe too nonetheless! I don't mean it's, like, the biggest axe ever or whatever, but maaaan...the MOMENT this stone cold killer shows up on the screen, you KNOW bodies are going to start falling like trees in a Canadian forest.

This guy seriously eats lumberjacks and firemen for breakfast, then donates his testosterone to the entire W.W.E. roster.

All of it.

So yes, you got the artwork which is done by Frank Frazetta and is friggin' OBVIOUSLY done by Frazetta. Chunky, beautiful barbarian women, hugefuck muscular barbarian dudes, the trailer has the voice of the guy who did the He-Man era cartoon commercials, freakish monsters and lush backgrounds ranging from volcanic, predator-infested jungles to the icy, mountainous ranges of Necron's castle (actually the backgrounds were done by other well-known artists, but that's neither here nor there really...they're noteworthy and fucking awesome). Even better, this was also one of Ralph Bakshi's last stabs at an epic fantasy and while there ARE some detractors, I'm here to tell ya: fuck the haters.

For those who don't know who the hell Ralph Bakshi (a.k.a. - The Father of Rotoscoping) is, he was known for directing and making a few animated movies back in the day. Perhaps you've heard of, oh I dunno...Wizards? Fritz the Cat? Hell, what about Cool World?!

Oh god, all of you make me feel so fucking old. All of you.

And so much narmy cheese! Every time Nekron opens up his albino mouth, something of pure narm comes crawling out to slap you in the chops. For the love of god, Nekron's glacier is called Icepeak and the land he's invading is led by "Good King Jerol" from his volcanic "Fire Keep."

Icepeak and Fire Keep.

Oh god, I think I threw something delicious up in my mouth.

Okay, here's the skinny of it: there's this hottie albino chick named Juliana, right? And she's a well-known witch, a wielder of dark arts of shadow and ice. In wanting to rule...er, the world?...she bore a son, and named him Narmy McKillsEverything (changing his name legally to Necron after she realized Worldking McKillsEverything doesn't sound like much of a diplomatic name). She taught him her black arts and those of ice and the powers of the mind, and as he grew up he launched a campaign to devour and destroy all in his wake, pushing the gigantic glacier of Icepeak (heh heh) ever southward towards Fire Keep (PFFTHEH), killing the various tribes of men who lived on the outskirts of the jungle to the north and towards the south.

What his glacier doesn't kill, his beastmen (enslaved and charmed by his powers and utterly devoted to him and Juliana) goes forth to kill and ravage like real barbaric beastmen should. Amongst one of these raids a lone survivor, the tanned, blonde and athletic young man named "Larn," takes to the jungles after evading the beastmen parties in hopes of someday claiming vengeance against Nekron.

During this time, Juliana (behind Nekron's back) sends her diplomats to Fire Keep with words of peace (basically asking him his terms of surrender) while, at the same time, assassin beastmen kidnap his lusciously-curved daughter, turning it from a diplomatic talk couched in terms of fear to an all-out slaughter.

His delicious and delectable daughter, Teegra, is as feisty, skillful and cunning as one would want a barbarian princess to be. It's not long before she evades her captors, winds up in a horrible position, gets kidnapped again only to evade her captors YET AGAIN. This pretty much sets the tone for the bulk of the movie, and one that I actually find awesome. Waifish princesses who are unable to do anything BUT get kidnapped is a boring ideal to me, thanks to hours of growing up and cursing Princess Peach for constantly lusting after the giant reptilian dick. No other way to describe how she could get kidnapped so many times, yo.

Anyway, Teegra don't play that...but because this IS a kinda crapsack world, she ends up in a bad situation shortly after evading her captors. Eventually, in between beastmen kidnappings, she comes across Larn and the two strike up a friendship that borders on love...that kinda-sorta eventually blossoms into such later on. For awhile they live together, happily heading back south, when they become separated thanks to a giant octopus creature that nearly eats Larn.

It's during this time that Teegra becomes kidnapped AGAIN, and Larn's unconscious, fine tanned ass is saved by a man whose name they never really drop and, even worse, may or may not be a god. In the very least, there's a huge statue of him that was shown earlier in the show.

One thing leads to another and several attempts to rescue Teegra are launched. Eventually Teegra IS brought to Nekron who pretty much narms her to death, proclaiming her unfit to procreate with because she's of a lesser being, then after what appears to be an hour later, narms her brother DEFINITELY to death with magic and skill. He basically controls her brother and his cohorts and puppeteers them to kill each other for his amusement.

Funny story: Larn was on the boat they took and, after failing an attempt to kill Nekron, becomes Nekron's little sword buddy for a bit. NO NO NO, it's nowhere near...well, okay, maybe just a little...as gay as it sounds. Nekron eventually resorts to using his magic as well as the sword, enjoying his time with Larn before resorting completely to his magic to fuck with Larn.

Despite all that, Larn still gets a nice little riblet slash on his albino ass, and at least gets THAT much in the way of victory.

Suffice it to say, the ending is quite satisfying but there's a little tidbit about the main badass (the Dark Wolf guy) that they never actually say in the movie, only as a Word of God kinda thing that there's a connection between Dark Wolf, Juliana, and Nekron.

One which kinda makes sense after seeing this badassed killer just get his after his, killing beastmen by the hordes and surviving where lesser men die in waves, all the while dragging Larn along because the boy couldn't survive otherwise.

I've been watching Fire and Ice for as long as I can remember, and this is DEFINITELY one I'm friggin' glad to see on Netflix~! Go ahead and check it out, yeah?



(PSSST, part 1 of the movie can be found over at Youtube right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF1i-26N9j0&feature=related Remember, you didn't hear it from me - just watch it one way or another, and enjoy all that goodness!)

A rollicking adventure that goes GREAT with a little bit of Conan on the side. Don't forget, it comes in either Schwarzenegger AND Mimoa flavors now~! Seriously though, a barbaric feast for the eyes, ears, and soul and one that you OWE it to yourself to watch!

P.S. - My spellcheck actually corrected the name Schwarzenegger. I don't know if I should be worried or not...I didn't even catch THAT one~! I'm just sayin'...

Also, sorry 'bout all the Focus On's and my Hot and Current post, it's just sometimes I come across something that honestly DOES deserve my focused attention, y'know? Don't worry, next post will have my usual WHOLE DAYS GONE style of writing. Pinkie swear~!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Delicious seedy underbellies, translations, and remakes~!

Quite a bit of sci-fi up in HEAH tonight! Y'all ready to get on the Magic Goddamned School Bus? 'Cuz I'm ready to roll with this shit.and we's about to get muhfuggun MAGICAL up in heah!!

...well, uh...magical...about...science....

...fiction....

Ahem, ahem. LOOOONG before Cowboys Versus Aliens, and around the same time as Tales From A Parallel Universe (nee L.E.X.X.) comes this delectably B+-rated tale of cowbos, aliens, android-ish chicks and spaghetti western themes. I'm talkin' 'bout the sweet, sweet cheesiness known as "Oblivion." It also goes by the name of "Alien Desperados," but to be quite honest? I watched it as Oblivion, and I'll fuckin' call it Oblivion. Hell, it's a great movie and for a 1994 flick it really stands up to the test of time - it's as cheesy and watchable today as it was back then!

Well, shit, take a look!



For the record, this is a movie featuring Julie Newmar, Isaac Hayes, George Takei, Jackie Swanson...and that's only a sample! Suffice it to say, if yer gonna get yer B-rated on, THIS is the movie you wanna watch!

For this next one, I got one word for you: Loljapan. Less a samurai movie and more a focus on how Bushido can actually fuck a situation all kinds of hell up, this vehicle centers around a particular situation that arises when a maniacal daimyo...er, lordling...(or whatever) literally goes on a bloodfuckcrazy rampage. He goes out of his mind to fuck the wife of a retainer, kills said retainer and when he gets tired of the woman he cuts her arms off, her tongue out, then kicks her out in the rain to find her own way back to her clan. While it's >implied that he does this to pretty much everyone in his court, it gets pretty bad when a samurai of his court commits seppuku in order to get the attention of the court for help. Well, that's basically what happens...

Suffice it to say, that doesn't sit too well with 'em.

SO, 13 (well, 12 plus a ronin hunter they pick up later on as a guide) of their most loyal samurai take it upon themselves to fight through this guy's coterie except that DERP, he's in the middle of ascending to a high political office and now has backup. Like, 200 motherfuckers backing him up (including a rather badassed second in command/bodyguard) versus just their thirteen. Suffice it to say though, they got a plan...and, above all, THEY control the battleground. I simply don't wanna ruin the stellar fight sequence for ya, go see it for yerself!

Directed by Takashi Miike (You oughta know that name! The dude that worked on Ichi the Killer, of all movies, not to mention tons other that are considered controversial in Japan. Heh.), you KNOW this is gonna be good, and y'know what?

It is~! ESPECIALLY the final battle that goes down between the 13 and the 200 motherfuckers, well...check out the trailer, go take a look and see for yourself!



OH SHIT SON, yet another Alice in Wonderland translation up on Netflix! On the other hand, this one is extremely slick with the seedy underbelly of Britain or England or wherever. All I know is that this shit? This shit is actually really entertaining! It's pretty much following the usual traditional characterizations and plot points, but maaaaaan...well, for instance, y'know the Caterpillar sequence? Now he's a rhyming white-Jamaican cab driver puffin' on the pipe and dispensing advice with a ton of flavor and rhyme.

I don't even know what's with the chick ridin' with him, all I know is that the entire sequence is sick! PLUS there's the whole...well, if you watch it, you'll see why I happen to like cabbies as characters (the White Rabbit is an especially sleazy one with a heart of gold...er, well, tarnished gold). Altogether the movie plays out like Guy Ritchie directed it, and the shit is fuckin' AWESOME altogether. Hell, I'm gonna watch it again today~!!!

Check the trailer, make yer own call.



The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - no, not the movie, the original show spawned by the british radio comedy based on the book. Six episodes and while it certainly AIN'T enough, it damn well delivers! And when I'm talkin' 'bout British, I'm talkin' 'bout BBC and everythin', baby!

I ain't sayin' nothin' more though. I won't tell you nothin'. If you honestly don't know about Douglas Adams' wonderful, and I DO mean wonderful, book series nor the movie The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, then there is NOTHING I can do to educate you about it except to go read you some books.

Right the hell now. They probably have it at your local library, FOR FREE! So go read, yo! Or perhaps watch the movie, orrrrrr...just step up to yer Netflix search bar and look it up~!



So, can you tell what kind of a mood I was in with this collection of offerings? 'Cuz I certainly as hell can't. Iron Monkey is EXCELLENT, and if you don't watch it you should feel bad for not watching it, you bad person you. First and foremost, Donnie Yen.

Fuck yeah, boyee.

Y'know what? Fuck it, check this trailer:



Costumed vigilantes?! Evil fallen Shaolin monks?!! Ex-prostitute martial artists?!!!! Fightan all OVER the place?!!!!!

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLYYYYYYYYYYYYY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, sign me UP!

So you wanna have a good time this comin' week? Afraid of the Monday blues? Well dig this, dawg~! Just pop these into yer search bar and prepare to have a sweet time:

Oblivion
13 Assassins
Malice in Wonderland
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (make sure you don't click on the movie, but the BBC miniseries)
Iron Monkey

Hey, didja know I have a literary blog up now? All it has on it are poems, song lyrics, and (upcoming) short stories and overviews all from yer boy, That Bastard.

Go check me out at: http://thepenismysword.blogspot.com

Heh...penis jokes...

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Focus On "King of Fighters The Movie"

Dear Hollywood, STOP FUCKING UP MY FIGHTAN VIDYUH GAEMS!

STOP IT!

BAD! BAD!!!

No, seriously things have been going downhill since Super Mario Brothers the movie (though I actually liked that one...though I was, what, all of 12 when I saw it?) and have only gotten worse since Street Fighter: The Movie.

They can't seem to find the right balance between over-the-topic action (i.e. Street Fighter) and bringing the storyline to life (PRACTICALLY ANYTHING! Damn near all of them are some "adaptation" of a video game storyline when the original was fucking fine!), and they damn near all of them fail hard.

Well, here on Netflix they seem to think we want to relive these horrible, cringe-worthy movies by posting them up for viewing...eurgh..."pleasure."

With THAT noted I present to you this horrifying, terrible fighting game to movie offering on Netflix.

Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

Okay, I've been a fuckhuge fan of KoF since friggin' Fatal Fury. I didn't get good at fighting games until college, but I still have a lot of love for the genre, y'knowwhatImean? There's actual storylines and drama there behind the scenes and if done well it can be quite entertaining.

Then they started making movies based on them and ruining the whole fucking shebang. The King of Fighters is DEFINITELY one of those types, where they take a bunch of people who only REMOTELY (and I can't even mean that in the loosest of senses since it is looser than that!) share the same appearances as the KoF characters and throw them into roles, positions, and situations that the true-blue video game counterparts never would. Mai Shiranui goin' out with Iori Yagami? Iori red hair is gone? Mr. Big and Kyo Kusanagi are white? For some reason, despite Kyo Kusanagi's caucasian-ness, they show him in flashbacks as being more Asian then fuckin' Terry Tsurugi. Rugal is lamer than lame, I mean JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHYYYYYY?!

I guess any kinda asian would do for Kyo's part, and while Maggie Q makes for a great fighter they still put her in as Mai Shiranui instead of, say, oh I dunno...Athena Asamiya, or just about any other fucking brunette asian character in the game. Terry Bogard is a fucking inept CIA agent who apparently lacks EVERYTHING that made the original Terry Bogard so fucking awesome (and one of my mains FUCK YOU HATERS! ARE YOU OKAY?! BUSTAH WOLF! C'MON, GET SERIOUS!)

Horrible casting aside (GOOD LORD WHY DID YOU RUIN RUGAL FOR ME?!), let's get to the fight scenes. They're not baaaad per se, but if you actually knew what the hell the movie is based on then you'd actually expect more. As with all "translations" from one medium to another, what happened is that a bunch of executives had an intern round up a bunch of magazines/video games with the characters on the covers, throw them on the table then instead of actually playing, reading or doing anything to get to know the material they instead simply made a movie based on the covers they saw.

Okay, so here's how the movie presents it: there's another dimension which certain people can enter through bluetooth headsets (...and I'm back from vomiting) and fight one another for some inane reason they never really explain. They then go on to attempt to establish SOME connection to the video games by bringing in the three treasures of Japan and Orochi...but then completely ruin it with horrible fight sequences and the initial clusterfuck that is the character-to-role situation. Hell, Mai Shiranui isn't even a fucking busty ninja in love with Terry's brother Andy but, rather, some double-agent or whatever who's pretty much the pivotal character...which wouldn't be bad if it was a busty asian fightin' chick. Maggie Q simply does not (or was told not to) encapsulate what Mai Shiranui is about: titillation, kickin' ass and unexpected attacks mid-fight.

In attempting to retcon EVERYTHING the KoF is about and instead of simply embracing the fact that they're making a movie based on a 2-d multiplatform fightin' game, they have instead gave us a shit scrambled crapfest on top of fucktarded horribleness. The "narrative" if it can be called that is lame, the fight sequences could be considered good IF this movie wasn't based on something as awesome as KoF. I'm not even biased here, the way they presented the characters was all kinds of fucktarded and the storyline itself was a mishmash of terrible.

Hell, we're talkin' 'bout KoF here! They could've chosen any five storylines and ran with it, or even made a series of movies based on them! The N.E.S.T.S. Cartel story arc, the original story arc concerning Orochi R (JESUS CHRIST WHAT THEY COULD'VE DONE WITH IT!), the Maximum Impact storyline....y'know, fuck it. I'm too mad to even continue on this shit. Fuck this fucking movie and fuck everyone who actually thought it was a good idea, but y'know what else?

Fuck whoever fucked up this fucking script.

Fuck 'em.



Rageometer: ALART, MAXIMUM LEVELS EXCEEDED! MAXIMUM KRIEG LEVEL HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED, I REPEAT: RAGE HAS REACHED MAXIMUM KRIEG LEVEL OF ANGER.

THERE IS NO REACTION IMAEG POWERFUL ENOUGH TO PROPERLY REPRESENT MY AGNER.