Sunday, September 11, 2011

Delicious seedy underbellies, translations, and remakes~!

Quite a bit of sci-fi up in HEAH tonight! Y'all ready to get on the Magic Goddamned School Bus? 'Cuz I'm ready to roll with this shit.and we's about to get muhfuggun MAGICAL up in heah!!



Ahem, ahem. LOOOONG before Cowboys Versus Aliens, and around the same time as Tales From A Parallel Universe (nee L.E.X.X.) comes this delectably B+-rated tale of cowbos, aliens, android-ish chicks and spaghetti western themes. I'm talkin' 'bout the sweet, sweet cheesiness known as "Oblivion." It also goes by the name of "Alien Desperados," but to be quite honest? I watched it as Oblivion, and I'll fuckin' call it Oblivion. Hell, it's a great movie and for a 1994 flick it really stands up to the test of time - it's as cheesy and watchable today as it was back then!

Well, shit, take a look!

For the record, this is a movie featuring Julie Newmar, Isaac Hayes, George Takei, Jackie Swanson...and that's only a sample! Suffice it to say, if yer gonna get yer B-rated on, THIS is the movie you wanna watch!

For this next one, I got one word for you: Loljapan. Less a samurai movie and more a focus on how Bushido can actually fuck a situation all kinds of hell up, this vehicle centers around a particular situation that arises when a maniacal, lordling...(or whatever) literally goes on a bloodfuckcrazy rampage. He goes out of his mind to fuck the wife of a retainer, kills said retainer and when he gets tired of the woman he cuts her arms off, her tongue out, then kicks her out in the rain to find her own way back to her clan. While it's >implied that he does this to pretty much everyone in his court, it gets pretty bad when a samurai of his court commits seppuku in order to get the attention of the court for help. Well, that's basically what happens...

Suffice it to say, that doesn't sit too well with 'em.

SO, 13 (well, 12 plus a ronin hunter they pick up later on as a guide) of their most loyal samurai take it upon themselves to fight through this guy's coterie except that DERP, he's in the middle of ascending to a high political office and now has backup. Like, 200 motherfuckers backing him up (including a rather badassed second in command/bodyguard) versus just their thirteen. Suffice it to say though, they got a plan...and, above all, THEY control the battleground. I simply don't wanna ruin the stellar fight sequence for ya, go see it for yerself!

Directed by Takashi Miike (You oughta know that name! The dude that worked on Ichi the Killer, of all movies, not to mention tons other that are considered controversial in Japan. Heh.), you KNOW this is gonna be good, and y'know what?

It is~! ESPECIALLY the final battle that goes down between the 13 and the 200 motherfuckers, well...check out the trailer, go take a look and see for yourself!

OH SHIT SON, yet another Alice in Wonderland translation up on Netflix! On the other hand, this one is extremely slick with the seedy underbelly of Britain or England or wherever. All I know is that this shit? This shit is actually really entertaining! It's pretty much following the usual traditional characterizations and plot points, but maaaaaan...well, for instance, y'know the Caterpillar sequence? Now he's a rhyming white-Jamaican cab driver puffin' on the pipe and dispensing advice with a ton of flavor and rhyme.

I don't even know what's with the chick ridin' with him, all I know is that the entire sequence is sick! PLUS there's the whole...well, if you watch it, you'll see why I happen to like cabbies as characters (the White Rabbit is an especially sleazy one with a heart of, well, tarnished gold). Altogether the movie plays out like Guy Ritchie directed it, and the shit is fuckin' AWESOME altogether. Hell, I'm gonna watch it again today~!!!

Check the trailer, make yer own call.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - no, not the movie, the original show spawned by the british radio comedy based on the book. Six episodes and while it certainly AIN'T enough, it damn well delivers! And when I'm talkin' 'bout British, I'm talkin' 'bout BBC and everythin', baby!

I ain't sayin' nothin' more though. I won't tell you nothin'. If you honestly don't know about Douglas Adams' wonderful, and I DO mean wonderful, book series nor the movie The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, then there is NOTHING I can do to educate you about it except to go read you some books.

Right the hell now. They probably have it at your local library, FOR FREE! So go read, yo! Or perhaps watch the movie, orrrrrr...just step up to yer Netflix search bar and look it up~!

So, can you tell what kind of a mood I was in with this collection of offerings? 'Cuz I certainly as hell can't. Iron Monkey is EXCELLENT, and if you don't watch it you should feel bad for not watching it, you bad person you. First and foremost, Donnie Yen.

Fuck yeah, boyee.

Y'know what? Fuck it, check this trailer:

Costumed vigilantes?! Evil fallen Shaolin monks?!! Ex-prostitute martial artists?!!!! Fightan all OVER the place?!!!!!


So you wanna have a good time this comin' week? Afraid of the Monday blues? Well dig this, dawg~! Just pop these into yer search bar and prepare to have a sweet time:

13 Assassins
Malice in Wonderland
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (make sure you don't click on the movie, but the BBC miniseries)
Iron Monkey

Hey, didja know I have a literary blog up now? All it has on it are poems, song lyrics, and (upcoming) short stories and overviews all from yer boy, That Bastard.

Go check me out at:

Heh...penis jokes...


  1. Another great round up! I'll be viewing these soon.

  2. If you don't mind me, I'm going to go look up pics of Julie Newmar reasons.

  3. @ThePope - Yeaaaah, suuuure. It's okay bro, there's plenty of 'em out there!

    Hell, go "study hard" and enjoy yerself, braugh~!

    @Shockgrubz - It's what I like, it's what I do bro~!

    Don't forget to check the latest, and tell yer friiiiiiends. All yer little friiiiiiiends.

    @FGBastard - Dude. Do it. It's good. It's hella good. If you can find a rip of it, fuckin' check it. If you can't, find it and buy it. It's worth it, bro. Miike is the fuckin' MAN, and Ichi the Killer is still one of my top ten favorite action flicks of all time, DEFINITELY top twenty.