Saturday, September 17, 2011

Focus on "Fire and Ice"

Holy fucking shit balls, they finally got Frank Frazetta's amazing piece on Netflix This. Fire and Ice is one of the best goddamndest reasons to enjoy animated films, no matter WHERE they come from. Do you like chunky barbarian women? Do you like princesses who are actually NOT inept? Do you like tanned, beefy, muscular badasses? Do you like beefy muscular badasses with wolf masks and humongofuck axes?

Okay, now do you like narm-mouthed albinos who wield powerful earth-shattering magics aw you get the fuckin' point by now, yes? Suffice it to say, Fire and Ice is a standard I try to live up to when it comes to my writing. The background is pure scene pornography (er, most of the time), the writing is sparse where it needs to be and awesome when it has to be, and the villains...

Oh sweet jesus, would YOU trust a guy named Nekron? I wouldn't.

And theeeeen you got the main badass, who isn't even the main character. It's more like the main protagonist is just a sidekick and we're really watching this movie from HIS point of view just to heighten the sheer, unbelievable levels of badassery the actual hero has.

With a hugefuck axe too nonetheless! I don't mean it's, like, the biggest axe ever or whatever, but maaaan...the MOMENT this stone cold killer shows up on the screen, you KNOW bodies are going to start falling like trees in a Canadian forest.

This guy seriously eats lumberjacks and firemen for breakfast, then donates his testosterone to the entire W.W.E. roster.

All of it.

So yes, you got the artwork which is done by Frank Frazetta and is friggin' OBVIOUSLY done by Frazetta. Chunky, beautiful barbarian women, hugefuck muscular barbarian dudes, the trailer has the voice of the guy who did the He-Man era cartoon commercials, freakish monsters and lush backgrounds ranging from volcanic, predator-infested jungles to the icy, mountainous ranges of Necron's castle (actually the backgrounds were done by other well-known artists, but that's neither here nor there really...they're noteworthy and fucking awesome). Even better, this was also one of Ralph Bakshi's last stabs at an epic fantasy and while there ARE some detractors, I'm here to tell ya: fuck the haters.

For those who don't know who the hell Ralph Bakshi (a.k.a. - The Father of Rotoscoping) is, he was known for directing and making a few animated movies back in the day. Perhaps you've heard of, oh I dunno...Wizards? Fritz the Cat? Hell, what about Cool World?!

Oh god, all of you make me feel so fucking old. All of you.

And so much narmy cheese! Every time Nekron opens up his albino mouth, something of pure narm comes crawling out to slap you in the chops. For the love of god, Nekron's glacier is called Icepeak and the land he's invading is led by "Good King Jerol" from his volcanic "Fire Keep."

Icepeak and Fire Keep.

Oh god, I think I threw something delicious up in my mouth.

Okay, here's the skinny of it: there's this hottie albino chick named Juliana, right? And she's a well-known witch, a wielder of dark arts of shadow and ice. In wanting to, the world?...she bore a son, and named him Narmy McKillsEverything (changing his name legally to Necron after she realized Worldking McKillsEverything doesn't sound like much of a diplomatic name). She taught him her black arts and those of ice and the powers of the mind, and as he grew up he launched a campaign to devour and destroy all in his wake, pushing the gigantic glacier of Icepeak (heh heh) ever southward towards Fire Keep (PFFTHEH), killing the various tribes of men who lived on the outskirts of the jungle to the north and towards the south.

What his glacier doesn't kill, his beastmen (enslaved and charmed by his powers and utterly devoted to him and Juliana) goes forth to kill and ravage like real barbaric beastmen should. Amongst one of these raids a lone survivor, the tanned, blonde and athletic young man named "Larn," takes to the jungles after evading the beastmen parties in hopes of someday claiming vengeance against Nekron.

During this time, Juliana (behind Nekron's back) sends her diplomats to Fire Keep with words of peace (basically asking him his terms of surrender) while, at the same time, assassin beastmen kidnap his lusciously-curved daughter, turning it from a diplomatic talk couched in terms of fear to an all-out slaughter.

His delicious and delectable daughter, Teegra, is as feisty, skillful and cunning as one would want a barbarian princess to be. It's not long before she evades her captors, winds up in a horrible position, gets kidnapped again only to evade her captors YET AGAIN. This pretty much sets the tone for the bulk of the movie, and one that I actually find awesome. Waifish princesses who are unable to do anything BUT get kidnapped is a boring ideal to me, thanks to hours of growing up and cursing Princess Peach for constantly lusting after the giant reptilian dick. No other way to describe how she could get kidnapped so many times, yo.

Anyway, Teegra don't play that...but because this IS a kinda crapsack world, she ends up in a bad situation shortly after evading her captors. Eventually, in between beastmen kidnappings, she comes across Larn and the two strike up a friendship that borders on love...that kinda-sorta eventually blossoms into such later on. For awhile they live together, happily heading back south, when they become separated thanks to a giant octopus creature that nearly eats Larn.

It's during this time that Teegra becomes kidnapped AGAIN, and Larn's unconscious, fine tanned ass is saved by a man whose name they never really drop and, even worse, may or may not be a god. In the very least, there's a huge statue of him that was shown earlier in the show.

One thing leads to another and several attempts to rescue Teegra are launched. Eventually Teegra IS brought to Nekron who pretty much narms her to death, proclaiming her unfit to procreate with because she's of a lesser being, then after what appears to be an hour later, narms her brother DEFINITELY to death with magic and skill. He basically controls her brother and his cohorts and puppeteers them to kill each other for his amusement.

Funny story: Larn was on the boat they took and, after failing an attempt to kill Nekron, becomes Nekron's little sword buddy for a bit. NO NO NO, it's nowhere near...well, okay, maybe just a gay as it sounds. Nekron eventually resorts to using his magic as well as the sword, enjoying his time with Larn before resorting completely to his magic to fuck with Larn.

Despite all that, Larn still gets a nice little riblet slash on his albino ass, and at least gets THAT much in the way of victory.

Suffice it to say, the ending is quite satisfying but there's a little tidbit about the main badass (the Dark Wolf guy) that they never actually say in the movie, only as a Word of God kinda thing that there's a connection between Dark Wolf, Juliana, and Nekron.

One which kinda makes sense after seeing this badassed killer just get his after his, killing beastmen by the hordes and surviving where lesser men die in waves, all the while dragging Larn along because the boy couldn't survive otherwise.

I've been watching Fire and Ice for as long as I can remember, and this is DEFINITELY one I'm friggin' glad to see on Netflix~! Go ahead and check it out, yeah?

(PSSST, part 1 of the movie can be found over at Youtube right here: Remember, you didn't hear it from me - just watch it one way or another, and enjoy all that goodness!)

A rollicking adventure that goes GREAT with a little bit of Conan on the side. Don't forget, it comes in either Schwarzenegger AND Mimoa flavors now~! Seriously though, a barbaric feast for the eyes, ears, and soul and one that you OWE it to yourself to watch!

P.S. - My spellcheck actually corrected the name Schwarzenegger. I don't know if I should be worried or not...I didn't even catch THAT one~! I'm just sayin'...

Also, sorry 'bout all the Focus On's and my Hot and Current post, it's just sometimes I come across something that honestly DOES deserve my focused attention, y'know? Don't worry, next post will have my usual WHOLE DAYS GONE style of writing. Pinkie swear~!


  1. hmmmm looks good... thank you :D

  2. A figure of truth, of faith, of loyalty: Following!

  3. I've seen a couple of Ralph Bakshi's films. I may have to check this out as well.

  4. I head only good reviews from this film, I got Netflix a few days and I'm definitely gonna watch this.

  5. All right....
    You've got me sold.

    I will check this one out immediately.

  6. looks pretty awesome. you had me at "chunky barbarian women"