Saturday, September 3, 2011

Focus On "King of Fighters The Movie"

Dear Hollywood, STOP FUCKING UP MY FIGHTAN VIDYUH GAEMS!

STOP IT!

BAD! BAD!!!

No, seriously things have been going downhill since Super Mario Brothers the movie (though I actually liked that one...though I was, what, all of 12 when I saw it?) and have only gotten worse since Street Fighter: The Movie.

They can't seem to find the right balance between over-the-topic action (i.e. Street Fighter) and bringing the storyline to life (PRACTICALLY ANYTHING! Damn near all of them are some "adaptation" of a video game storyline when the original was fucking fine!), and they damn near all of them fail hard.

Well, here on Netflix they seem to think we want to relive these horrible, cringe-worthy movies by posting them up for viewing...eurgh..."pleasure."

With THAT noted I present to you this horrifying, terrible fighting game to movie offering on Netflix.

Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

Okay, I've been a fuckhuge fan of KoF since friggin' Fatal Fury. I didn't get good at fighting games until college, but I still have a lot of love for the genre, y'knowwhatImean? There's actual storylines and drama there behind the scenes and if done well it can be quite entertaining.

Then they started making movies based on them and ruining the whole fucking shebang. The King of Fighters is DEFINITELY one of those types, where they take a bunch of people who only REMOTELY (and I can't even mean that in the loosest of senses since it is looser than that!) share the same appearances as the KoF characters and throw them into roles, positions, and situations that the true-blue video game counterparts never would. Mai Shiranui goin' out with Iori Yagami? Iori red hair is gone? Mr. Big and Kyo Kusanagi are white? For some reason, despite Kyo Kusanagi's caucasian-ness, they show him in flashbacks as being more Asian then fuckin' Terry Tsurugi. Rugal is lamer than lame, I mean JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHYYYYYY?!

I guess any kinda asian would do for Kyo's part, and while Maggie Q makes for a great fighter they still put her in as Mai Shiranui instead of, say, oh I dunno...Athena Asamiya, or just about any other fucking brunette asian character in the game. Terry Bogard is a fucking inept CIA agent who apparently lacks EVERYTHING that made the original Terry Bogard so fucking awesome (and one of my mains FUCK YOU HATERS! ARE YOU OKAY?! BUSTAH WOLF! C'MON, GET SERIOUS!)

Horrible casting aside (GOOD LORD WHY DID YOU RUIN RUGAL FOR ME?!), let's get to the fight scenes. They're not baaaad per se, but if you actually knew what the hell the movie is based on then you'd actually expect more. As with all "translations" from one medium to another, what happened is that a bunch of executives had an intern round up a bunch of magazines/video games with the characters on the covers, throw them on the table then instead of actually playing, reading or doing anything to get to know the material they instead simply made a movie based on the covers they saw.

Okay, so here's how the movie presents it: there's another dimension which certain people can enter through bluetooth headsets (...and I'm back from vomiting) and fight one another for some inane reason they never really explain. They then go on to attempt to establish SOME connection to the video games by bringing in the three treasures of Japan and Orochi...but then completely ruin it with horrible fight sequences and the initial clusterfuck that is the character-to-role situation. Hell, Mai Shiranui isn't even a fucking busty ninja in love with Terry's brother Andy but, rather, some double-agent or whatever who's pretty much the pivotal character...which wouldn't be bad if it was a busty asian fightin' chick. Maggie Q simply does not (or was told not to) encapsulate what Mai Shiranui is about: titillation, kickin' ass and unexpected attacks mid-fight.

In attempting to retcon EVERYTHING the KoF is about and instead of simply embracing the fact that they're making a movie based on a 2-d multiplatform fightin' game, they have instead gave us a shit scrambled crapfest on top of fucktarded horribleness. The "narrative" if it can be called that is lame, the fight sequences could be considered good IF this movie wasn't based on something as awesome as KoF. I'm not even biased here, the way they presented the characters was all kinds of fucktarded and the storyline itself was a mishmash of terrible.

Hell, we're talkin' 'bout KoF here! They could've chosen any five storylines and ran with it, or even made a series of movies based on them! The N.E.S.T.S. Cartel story arc, the original story arc concerning Orochi R (JESUS CHRIST WHAT THEY COULD'VE DONE WITH IT!), the Maximum Impact storyline....y'know, fuck it. I'm too mad to even continue on this shit. Fuck this fucking movie and fuck everyone who actually thought it was a good idea, but y'know what else?

Fuck whoever fucked up this fucking script.

Fuck 'em.



Rageometer: ALART, MAXIMUM LEVELS EXCEEDED! MAXIMUM KRIEG LEVEL HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED, I REPEAT: RAGE HAS REACHED MAXIMUM KRIEG LEVEL OF ANGER.

THERE IS NO REACTION IMAEG POWERFUL ENOUGH TO PROPERLY REPRESENT MY AGNER.

4 comments:

  1. wow...will be avoiding this one. Looks like it's utter garbage.

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  2. I'm sad for the whole genre. It holds such a place in my inner child's heart, that I refuse to let rage seep there.

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  3. @Tre - You heard me. KoF the Movie. It is teh suck. Bad. Not even a good suck, just a horrible one. I'm actually getting angrier just replying to the COMMENTS of this article...

    @Shock - perhaps, bro. But if you had to stare into the blind eyes of a mad, dead god's corpse then you too would know the sheer, actually tangible hatred I have of everyone connected to this movie.

    I want them to die. I have never wanted to kill someone with my rage this badly before.

    @Bowen - if I do one thing right in this life, let it be ensuring that people DO NOT watch this movie or, if they do, that they're thoroughly warned about it beforehand.

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