Tuesday, February 21, 2012

AYUP! I'm telling you about http://www.thepenismysword.com even here TOO! AND the re-opening of my blogs and such.

Hmmmm, don't want to just do nothing here. Y'know, I've got a podcast up over at KAOS: Chaos Party Radio. It's a 16 minute rant about The Last Dragon which I had intended to make an audio/written simultaneous post, but instead scrapped it 'cuz I screwed up too much during the rant.

Since it's up over there as a test, might as well put it up HERE anyway, y'know?


Also, here's a reading by me of my own stuff over at Anubis Unit's blog "Legion HQ!"


Well it's KIND of Netflix-related~!

Anyway, see you guys at The Pen Is My Sword, the best way to keep up and follow my blogs, even this one~!


And with that, I'M OUT!


~That Bastard

Friday, February 10, 2012

Uphold Thine 80's Sensibilities!

Well, time to get to the bread and butter of Netflix This! Sure, that last television shows on etflix post was pretty cool (and I'm certain some of you aren't even halfway done with 'em. I'm also equally certain that some of you have seen 'em ALL since the last post!), but now it's time I regale you with further things to watch on Netflix.

Shall we? We shall!

Now, as some of you know I've been up and down as of late. The past week can be best described of as a descending slope, but as of yesterday there's been a sharp turn upward and hopefully the trend will continue on through tomorrow. To help speed things along, I watched some sweet, sweet comedies on Netflix and here I am to share them with you today!

Y'know, my adult years may be fraught with suffering and crap, and my parents weren't the best in the world...but they raised me. They actually did, instead of letting the television see to my morals and such.

THANK WHATEVER GOD THAT EXISTS FOR THAT ONE! They may not have been the best people in the world, but they were awesome for what I needed.

And amongst the many things they taught me and allowed me to watch (without having to explain everything at least) was Beetlejuice.

OHHHHHHH Beetlejuice, baby! If you haven't seen this movie, then you REALLY don't know good 80's comedy movies! Dude, I can't suggest Beetlejuice ENOUGH! You want A-list actors? Fuck you, here Michael Keaton, Alec Baldwin, Geena Davis, Winona Ryder, Catherine O'Hara (MMMMMM, all that ginger!), Jeffrey Jones (HEY KIDS! IT'S OUR FAVORITE PERVERT!), and Sylvia Sidney.

Okay, so A-list for their time~! If you wanna IMDB their names up and gasp at their combined movie weight, go for it. Tim Burton made a completely excellent supernatural-hijinks movie without the use of Johnny Depp, and you should be proud of him for that.

Honestly, I can't give you a decent review of Beetlejuice. I simply am not a good enough writer to do it the kind of justice that I believe it deserves.

So go watch you some Beetlejuice~!

Sadly enough, the equally excellent cartoon wasn't up, but hey - they might finagle a way to get it, y'know? Hell, let's all get together and send 'em e-mails 'bout it! Lord knows I'm gonna...but hey, before you do anything, watch the movie and crow 'bout it~!

Y'know, I remember when Adam Sandler could do no wrong. The dude was funny just standing around and farting. I'd say the same thing about Jim Carrey, except he was able to spin that into actual acting chops and dramatic flair. I mean, the dude went from talking to his ass to co-starring with Zoey Daschenel (The Perfect One), and in my jaded and biased eyes that's as high as you can get in the acting world.

He also got a dentureless blowjob that was apparently the best he ever got, but that's another movie. Plus said movie's title escapes me and I don't know if Netflix has it or not. The MOMENT they do, I'll post 'bout it!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Back in the day, Adam Sandler was undeniably successful, but his style of humor was an acquired taste, like bean soda or bean pie. Amongst a pack of movies was Billy Madison, where he plays a manchild whose father owns a company. A really big company.

A really rich company that owns a chain of hotels.

Anyway, the old man is gettin' along in his years and wants to pass the company on, but little Billy is a fucking idiot. Seriously, Adam Sandler takes adult retardation and ramps it up into a art form. Drinking, hanging out with his friends, and generally acting like a manchild (instead of, say, Paris Hilton, which is a completely different kind of adult retard), Billy is far from the ideal protege. Still, it's not until a particular employee who's pretty high up the food chain instigates Billy to interrupting a particular business dinner that the old man decides that Billy just isn't the right guy to take over the company and instead declares he's handing it over to said employee.

Billy gets a small reprieve though - if he can work his way up the school grades and graduate from high school over a 24 week period, he regains his status as CEO-to-be.

Yeah, sure. The premise is stupid as shit. But sometimes, that's all you need for a good movie, y'know? And stupid is pretty much Adam Sandler's forte.

Especially today.

Man, get yo shit together, bro! Fire whomever is writing this shit and re-hire whoever wrote your original stuff. We miss you, Sandler.

Speaking about stupid comedies with 80's sensibilities, let's check out the newer Hot Tub Time Machine, yeah? Four dudes (HOLY SHIT KIDS, IT'S JOHN CUSAK, ONE OF THE FEW MEN I WOULDN'T WANT TO TRAP I JUST WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM AND HIS SISTER AT THE SAME TIME!) party their balls off, gets into a Hot Tub that happens to be a Time Machine that sends them back into the 80's with hilarious results.

Annnnnnd that's pretty much the gist of the movie. Awesome homage to 80's bewbage. Watch it, it's good for you. In the very least it's adult John Cusak (WANNA SLEEP WITH HIIIIIM AND HIS SISTER AT THE SAME TIME) rehashing awesome 80's tropes. I may hate rehashes and retcons, but man don't mind homages at all. If the tropes are done well, it'll be good.

SO, moving on to another awesome comedy. I've watched this a number of times, and will watch it again someday soon. I'm talking about Office Space, the movie that made a red stapler the most fucking awesome stapler in the entire world. The movie basically made Dilbert outsourced to anywhere else but America, and really showed us the soulessness of any company that still uses cubicles.

Really, I have yet to see a cubicle that doesn't drain its' inhabitant of their personality, soul, and emotions. Have you?


Last but not least, Super Troopers. Broken Lizard (a comedy group I've never heard of before this movie) has put out a spat of movies that are pretty fuckin' cool, funny, and have thus far resisted National Lampoons from taking over and adding their material to a slew of Pie and College movies.

God, remember when National Lampoons wasn't a part of the corporate machine and was as funny and wonderfully watchable as first generation Saturday Night Live?

God I hate our modern era.

Anyway, what started it off for me was their (apparently) first big-budget movie, Super Troopers.




Drugs, drugs, drugs, criminal activities, highway patrol hijinks that both mirrors and even improves on the old Police Academy formula, perverted germans, stolen cars, high-speed chases, awesome soundtrack, and Farva.

Oh god, Farva.

Out of all the movies presented to you by me, your humble reviewer, this is the one I'm sayin' you have GOT to see! Seriously, it's an experience that's just fuckin' supremely awesome. I mean, seriously - this movie has it ALL for ya!

Fuck everything, here's the list of awesome:

Billy Madison
Hot Tub Time Machine
Office Space
Super Troopers

On the next post, I haven't a fucking clue what to post about. I haven't been watchin' a lot of movies, and Ingram's Persona is high on my list of stuff to watch. Maybe I'll go a little arthouse moviefag on you guys in the next post? Meh, we'll see.


That Bastard


The Pen Is My Sword - Home of Extreme Existence: Battleworld and my collection of poetry, song lyrics (TONS of those still to update), information about my bands, short stories and current projects of mine.

I am a literary fucking warrior.

P.P.S. - HEY, ya wanna hang out with me sometime? Sure you can follow me on Twitter, Google+ and the Facebawks (THOMASDUDER ALL DAY ERR DAY), but you want to REALLY get to know your local, friendly neighborhood Mister The That Bastard? Then come hang out with me at Shittychat!


No, seriously, we're slowly building a community of fun, frivolity, and pretty much hardcore internetizens. Do you honestly believe you have what it takes to survive a Turkish Breakfast? How about a Belgium Steamer? Fuck you, we havea five screens devoted to camwhoring where I personally DJ a list of music I keep on hand for just such an occasion.

We've also got a REAL DJ who pops in, and plenty of the good stuff to go around. Namely pornography and hentai. So are you 18+? Do you like traps as well as anything with a pulse? Hell, you into cyberin'?

Then c'mon in and let's get our groove on to-NIGHT mah nigga.

See you in the chat room~!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Screw some movies, LET'S WATCH SOME T.V.!

Awwwwww yeah, it's time baby, oh it is TIME mah nigga! Welcome to a new installment of Netflix This!, brought to you by That Bastard and our good friends over at KAOS: Chaos Party Radio.

Yeah, they're not quite up and running yet, but hey they've already made mention of me so I might as well return the favor, y'know?

Anyway, you're probably here because you'd like a comprehensive list of things to watch on Netflix because you, like so many people on the Internet, have actually asked the question "What should I watch on Netflix?"

Well, you came to the right place. Sadly enough though, I'm going to force you to read my reviews.


SO, on with the reviews! Let's watch some t.v., yeah?

Y'know, the first kind of show I got into recently was the two dudes recounting (and supposedly re-enacting) some of their finest picks, the Laurel and Hardy that runs the show over at American Pickers. A fun kinda show, for me it was all about the discoveries that they unearthed amongst these old wrecks and the kinda expansive housing with all sorts of interesting characters. Ex-carnies, people with multiple barns, hell they had a guy who had throughout his life was systematically buying up parts of his old hometown and had transported it onto his land.

Now if that ain't cool, I don't know what is!

Now, what got me (eventually) was the whole "We picked this item for X amount of dollars, and we value it at X amount!" which is normally in the profit range. Now, it wasn't until I started watching Storage Wars that I damn near STOPPED watching American Pickers, but only out of principle.

Do I suggest it to other people? Oh hell yeah, it's a great show with a coupla clowns who are rich in filthy, rusty old trivia and knowledge and can spot a vintage something-or-other underneath a pile of rubble.

Hell, check 'em out for yerself!

Season 1 - Episode 8, THE WHOLE THING LOL! Enjoy the next 44 minutes...

Now there's this other show that I kinda got into, not THAT majorly but I found it fun enough. In the very least, it looked good late at night while I was back in California, y'know? I'm talkin' about Painkiller Jane.

SO, it's not inexactly mutations or Heroes or anythin'. I've only watched half of the episodes available, and as soon as episode 1 it's all about an obvious manufacturing of powers from a company where the people have somehow gotten out of their cages and are now mingling amongst the townsfolk. A government group is collected in order to find these people, tag 'em and bag 'em ready for collection with no questions asked.

While the group they've collected (practically right outta Leverage: the computer hacker supreme, the bulky-muscled ex-cop with a jaded and dark history, the leader of the group, the doctor, a coupla other people I think) is good enough to get the job done, they come across Jane who's an agent of some sort. Er, a cop? Y'know, to be quite honest Painkiller Jane is one of those shows where I watched pseudo-mindlessly. I enjoyed it while I was watchin' it, but it wasn't really anything that stuck with me.

Oh yeah, and Jane herself has Wolverine Syndrome, the ability to regenerate from death itself. In the very least she can take on wave of bullets and can survive a fifty-foot drop. I guess that's why it doesn't affect me as much as the show should: I don't mind main characters with extreme regenerative powers, but once you've seen it once you've seen it a dozen times.

Besides, Heroes did it better. Seasons 1 and 2 at least, 3 sucked balls (lol writer's strike).

Ahem, moving on. Are you a Trekkie? Did you enjoy Deep Space Nine? Want to watch it again?

Netflix currently has Star Trek Deep Space 9 up. Which episodes you ask?

All of them. The whole damn thing.

That's A LOT of watchin', yo!

You want an example? You don't know what DS9 is? Awwww shit kid, you came to the WRONG fuckin' neighborhood!

Here it is in a nutshell, just for you. You've got amazing actors. You've got the excellent Star Trek setting (shortly after or around The Next Generation), with a stand-alone kinda storyline that fits for the "edge of the known universe." You've got memorable characters. Sorry I can't sum it up any better for ya, but hey there ya go!

Fine then, let's see what I can dig up for you:

Now as good as American Pickers is, it wasn't until Storage Wars that I stopped watching it on the principle of one simple thing: they only tell you what they VALUE it at, not what they sell it at.

Storage Wars follows the "adventures" of four distinct groups of people as they travel about to different storage unit auctions in Southern California. You've got quite the cast of characters, and their interactions are pretty much t.v. gold in my opinion.

Ya got Barry the Collector, easily one of my favorite characters. This older gentleman has some smooth lines, and almost always comes into an auction with a gimmick (he once brought a pair of psychics, he's had a midget friend of his on stilts and night-vision goggles, things of that nature) and he always shows up every episode in a different collector's car or motorcycle of some sort. The guy's got class, and he usually will walk away from an auction if he doesn't find anything "collectible" or with some kind of esoteric value. He's gone out on a limb more than a couple of times though, on nothing but intuition and coming away with even less (there was ONE incredibly funny episode where he bought a unit with what he thought was something valuable, but the only thing valuable was a bunch of used power tools that he couldn't even offload easily), and in a funny way he's actually had to prove himself to the "Storage Clan" the most, even more so than the "Young Gun." Funny story: apparently no one really knows what Barry does, or has done. He's got money, doesn't NEED these storage units for what they have inside of them (in fact, most of the episodes he'll take down to the dump what the thrift store owners would turn around and sell), only for particular items that fascinates him or captures his interest.

Speakin' of which, you have the Young Gun, the rookie of the group. A young, bald white guy by the name of Jarrod who owns a thrift store with his partner and wife, Brandi. More often than not the hijinks that surrounds them is all about Jarrod going head-to-head with one of the bigger dogs and going beyond Brandi's set limits but as the series progresses Brandi becomes more comfortable about letting Jarrod bet up to whatever, and even gets in on the auction action herself. Every now and then she'll also be the one to bet against the others, a tactic that has helped more than once in the past to the tune of, "Wait, who the hell is that? Is that Brandi? Did she just bet me up?" and usually while they're musing and considering, the countdown goes down and they snag the storage.

Coming in third (and one of my favorite characters) is a big-time spender by the name of Darrell. I don't even know what this dude does (it's been suggested that he owns a thrift store as well), but he DEFINITELY appears to be a consummate auction hunter. Some of his most valuable picks have been a comic book collection that was the Holy Grail of the comics world, and he's come across paintings that have sold for hundreds of thousands of dollars. He's also definitely one of the big-time contenders on the show, and is one of the two bigger dogs to watch out for: he's cleared certain episodes so in the black he might as well be in Seal's ass. I'm talkin' 'bout straight-up Amistad black, yo.

And then you have the troll of the group. No, no hear me out: he has nothing but contempt (most of the time) for the rest of the people in the show. He has outright disrespected them to their faces, is wary of Darrel but otherwise will happily (verbally) push the young couple and Barry around. He's the guy who, even though he doesn't WANT your storage unit, will jump in simply to fuck with you and ramp the price up. Hell, that's what he's KNOWN for! The others do it from time to time, but it comes off more like a comfortable hazing ritual or a buddy-buddy elbowing while Dave Hester's comes off as straight-up heckling or, well, flat-out trolling. Seriously, there's more than one moment where I simply went, "Oh you BASTARD!" and he's something of an antagonist to the others.

That's not to say that he doesn't earn the money he's got (normally going head to head with Darrell over some pretty-obviously valuable units), and he DOES have an eye for valuable storage units: in one memorable episode, he snags a unit full of books that he ends up valuing and selling for somethin' like 50 grand or whatever. Still, if he hadn't snagged the unit that no one else wanted than he would've missed out on such a profit, y'know?

Altogether watching them bicker, feud, and even help one another (Barry ended up selling the power tools to Jarrod and Brandi, and Dave, for all that he appears to loathe them, has deigned to give advice from time to time to Jarrod. Darrell seems up for just about anything, and even showed Jarrod that a unit he had gone out on a limb for and thought had nothing but garbage was actually worthwhile - since the safe inside of it had nothing, Jarrod thought it had no value. Darrell pointed out that the safe ITSELF was worth something like 3 to 5 grand. Cash. Money.) I grew to really REALLY like this show. Obviously, I just wrote up somethin' like four or five paragraphs for it. Now, what I find fun is not only their auctioning against each other, but rather what they do with certain key items afterwards, going to specialists and professionals to have them valued and sold. They don't always come in the money, hell quite a few episodes one group or another will walk away without losing or making ANY money, and most of the time at least one of them will actually lose money but will try again next episode. Overall though, it's a guilty pleasure of mine and so fuckin' entertainin' I just had to share it with youse guys!

Anyway, here's a lil' sample for ya:

SO, that was a rather nice post of Netflix This! Hell, in the very least I enjoyed it~! So, did you skip all my blathering and get right down to the nitty-gritty? Well then, here's THE LIST! Just pop these into yer Netflix search bar and forget about every day until two weeks from now:

American Pickers
Storage Wars
Painkiller Jane

Hope you enjoyed this post! Catch ya 'round 'til next time, eh?