Sunday, March 4, 2012

Hot and Current: Nicholas Cage 2 - Cage of Cage 3D

In respect of Black March, please note that we did NOT in fact pay money to see this but, rather, scored tickets from a friend who won 'em somewhere. The dude apparently digs my blog, and wanted to see my take on this...yet I AM a man of principles, and Black March needs to go down fully. So whenever I suggest you go out and check this out, consider that I'm sayin' that you do it in April or some other time.

Now let's get back to this fine blogpost, yah?

Hot and Current: Ghost Rider 2 - Spirit of Vengeance 3D

Okay, first and foremost FUCK ROTTEN TOMATOES. Jesus christ, izzit the trolls? Izzit just an actually bad movie? Well I fucking thought it rocked the paunch, and it had me AND my best brother Ace ( screaming our fool heads off at the sheer awesomeness.

In case you haven't guessed it yet, I'm talkin' 'bout Nicholas Cage 2: Spirit of Cage.

Now, I liked Ghost Rider 1. It was a good fucking movie, stop smirking at me like that you pompous fuck. Nicholas Cage has been steadily losing his mind over the years as an actor and now has fallen into this weird rut of over-acting that would look simply silly on other actor.

On Nicholas Cage though, it's fuckin' awesome. I mean, he has seriously hit William Defoe levels of acting skill.

Fuck you, I like William Defoe, especially old school Defoe when he was pretty much mimicking himself acting like James Dean in every movie. Yes I'm talking about Streets of Fire, fuck you in your undercarriage.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, in Nicky Cage 2: Even Cagier, he absolutely positively kills it. 20% more Cage, even reaching back into from his previous films (such as Kick Ass) to bust out some good ol' performances from that. You remember when Big Daddy burned?

Because I remember when Big Daddy burned. Holy shit, it's one of our most-favorite things to quote, dawg!

Anyway, you have been warned: spoilers ahead.

So they got a new guy to play The Devil, a dude who REALLY doesn't do Peter Fonda justice. Hell, they coulda brought in Al Pacino or Henry Weinstein, shit would've been better...but for now, I'll accept it. Anyway, he makes a deal with a beautiful gypsy woman to save her life from a burning wreckage if she'll bear his son.

Fast-forward a decade or so, and now the Devil wants to collect on the boy for certain purposes. Naturally, mommy doesn't want to so the Devil employs her mercenary ex-boyfriend to track her down, shoot everyone up and bring the boy to him.

During this time a "black, French, drunk priest" (he's actually describe of that alongside "...and kind of an asshole?") merde's his way through some pretty slick motorcycle-and-gunning moments, trying to catch up to the mother and son before the mercs do. We are then treated to some somewhat slick slow-mo gunnin' before the monk is dropped for now.

It's revealed shortly afterwards that Nicholas Cage...I mean, Johnny Blaze...has fled 'Murrika in order to try and control the demon within him. Apparently he's suffered through a slight retcon and now doesn't just wish to seek out and Gary Stu people with his Penance Stare, judging the guilty and such, but the Rider himself now has an ever-present hunger for guilty souls.

Not just "stabbing grannies in the dark" guilty, but jaywalking and little white lies guilty. Apparently this hunger has been growing and in order to try and best the Rider at his own game, Cage...I mean, Blaze...has taken to the desolate areas of Europe in order to keep his distance from other humans.

When in pops our black, French, wine-loving priest (LOL DOUBLE STEREOTYPE~!) who says that his masters can help Blaze if they help him find the boy, whom the Devil must snag before a certain black day of dark prophecy. Four days, to be exact.

He reluctantly agrees but it's not as if he can help it, the Rider is just that THAT conveniently attracted to the stigma of the Devil surrounding the little Damien.

So off he goes, transforming into the Ghost Rider in a sudden burst and....

that's when shit gets AWESOME.

Okay, lemme ruin this much for you. This time around, the Ghost Rider has been changed, design-wise, to reflect that ever-present hunger within him. He moves in ways that are far more ghostly, far more terrifying and unpredictable as hell. You remember the ghosts from the House on Haunted Hill remake? Yeah, like that. Sometimes fast-forwardy, at one point in time he simply spins in mid-air like Trent Reznor in the "Closer" video. Sometimes he ghost-steps towards a target, just suddenly ALL UP in their grill.

And then there's his semi-liquid leather jacket, bubbling like pitch. That's not mentioning the chains which are now WITHIN him, summoned from within the depths of his jacket sleeves. While he no longer has the Penance Stare (the be-all-end-all fuck you if you even have so much as a glimmer of a soul), he DOES have, instead, this Soul Feed ability that just kills people.

Which he rarely needs since all he has to do is flick a human being with the chains and it's ashes to ashes and all that jazz.

Seriously, it's almost a frightening difference since he only ever killed elemental creatures and demonic types in the first movie. In this one, he's ALL about the human body count...which strikes me as being a bit off-putting, but only as a viewer, y'know?

Now, I...I want to tell you guys, I WANT to tell you all about the awesomeness of the movie! How he just ghost jacks a...and...just kills...but....

shit, Shit, SHIT!

Suffice it to say, there's certain scenes that are just so inspired by wicked awesomeness that it's fucking insane. A strip miner is involved, that's all I'm gonna say.

Now, I can see where people can easily complain about this movie, especially if you're not into Nicholas Cage forgetting his Nicholas Cage playing Johnny Storm who is the Ghost Rider and honestly seems to believe that he's Nicholas Cage who is the Ghost Rider. But between the "he's scraping, at the door...HE'S SCRAPING, AT, THE, DOOOOOOOR!!!!" and the dustin' niggas left and right, the movie definitely is a series of action sequences strung together with Nicholas Cage once again losing his shit while transforming, an interesting road trip feel to some of the scenes, and a little boy who is inadvertently the son of the Devil...and you really do get the feeling that he'd rather not be.


There is at least three scenes of horf that goes down, and all three for good reason. One I can tell you about, one I can only hint about, and the third is the most important horf so I can't tell you about it.

Suffice it to say though, a mook fires point-blank into Ghost Rider's "mouth," while all he does is roar and accept the bullets. He closes his jawbone, then horfs liquid metal and hellfire onto the guy's face.

Or was it hellfire and bullets? Either way, horf of death ALL up in that guy's mug.

The second one has to do the chains being forcibly horfed from his mouf, and the last...well, won't talk about it.

Anyway, altogether it's a movie worth a couple of bucks. But then again I also thought Conan the remake was awesome as hell and I still stand by that - it's deservin' of a buy once it hits DVD's, y'knowwhatImean?

As far as Nicholas Cage 2: Now With 20% More Nicholas Cage, I fuckin' dig it. I fuckin' DIG THIS MOVIE man, and yes I suggest to everyone to gather your friends and go watch this shit.

Now, yes we saw this in 3D. The parts that were in 3D were OBVIOUSLY made for it (like the opening cinematic), but the rest would've been absolutely fine in 2D. I still hold to the idea that the 3D does nothing but ramp up ticket prices...but I, admittedly, liked some of the fight sequences in 3D.

It's kinda weird that, y'knowwhatImean?

Here's a trailer for youuuuu~!

Now, yes, there's QUITE A TON I've left out, and have done so on purpose. I'd prefer it if y'all saw it or came to yer own conclusions anyway, plus it doesn't help that the trailer kinda-sorta hints and shows a bunch of what I left out...except the most important parts it doesn't even show.

TRUST me on that one~! Worth the time, worth your time, especially if you're into Nicholas Cage.


~That Bastard

P.S. - Funny story, apparently the full movie is ALREADY UP on the Internuggets. It's still gonna sell DVD's. Old Media is still gonna complain and upchuck like babbies. None of us will still give a fuck.

Also, sometimes the Rider just...roars. Just fucking roars. And it is AWESOME! And OH GOD the sheer amount of vehicle gorn going on, just nice-enough lookin' cars and trucks left and right gettin' fucked up and over and out.