Thursday, May 10, 2012

Netflix This Hot and Current - The Avengers review!

Netflix This Hot and Current: The Avengers

...yeah, it's a great movie.  A REALLY great fuckin' movie.  Go watch it.

Sincerely,

~That Bastard

P.S. - OKAY okay, the real adventure begins now.  Suffice it to say, The Avengers has already been hailed as one of the awesomest superhero movies of all time (or, in the very least, >I'M< sayin' that) and it certainly DOES live up to that title!  Now yes, there is a con or two that I can think up of the day after...but overall, this is certainly FAR from the pitiful Transformers 2 and the sad fallout I experienced after my fanboyism cleared up and I realized what a fuckshit stack that movie was.

Seriously, someone needs to kill the unholy fuck out of Michael Bay before he destroys Teenage Mutant (sorry, Alien) Ninja Turtles.   I mean, T.M.N.T. has a nice ring to it, T.A.N.T. is one letter away from "taint."

Teenage Alien Intelligent Ninja Turtles doesn't sound anywhere as cool as T.M.N.T.  Fuck you, Michael Bay.  Fuck you for even suggesting anything close to that.

Anyway...hatred aside, the only complaint I really have about the movie is the obvious emotional ploy they utilize to enable the Avengers themselves.

But that's from an intellectualized point of view - to be honest, said obvious sequence DOES come off as slightly unpredictable, but holy shit when it hits it HITS!  I mean, the whole freakin' theater reacted in a way that could only be described of as having fallen deep for said emotional ploy.

Sure, it was obvious...but it was effective!  And the vindication that came later on in the movie was made all the sweeter by it, y'knowwhatImean?

Well, YOU probably don't, since it's hard as fuck for me to write this without giving anything away.  I mean, I REALLY wanna do some spoilers!!!!

But if you've seen the movie as well, you already know why I'm tryin' not to give away the story for once.  Sure the storyline itself isn't from any of the comics, but jeez - the designs!  Hell, even Loki's got his Asgardian design all a-rantin', and that motherfucker doesn't play around!  The actor is able to evoke what can only be described of as genuine loathing of all other creatures underneath him and taking great delight in enabling the enemy to fall to pieces, as truly befits the godling with the Skill of Deceit, y'knowwhatImean?

Funny thing for me is that everyone in the Avengers got an origin story except for Black Widow and Hawkeye, and if you asked me I was actually intrigued by the idea of a doubled-up origin story for the duo.  There was quite a few implications and flat-out stated moments concerning how Hawkeye fit into Black Widow's origin story, and I'm fairly certain they could've pulled it off.  Hell, even the Bruce Banner that was NOT Ed Norton did a great job (though if you ask me, he's less "I'm angry all the time" and more passive-aggressive...but oh boy, did he have a moment that made ME react in the beginning of the movie!  Had to unball my fist and everything.), and I was kinda expecting to hate all over him.

And then you got the assembled crew as we know 'em.  Robert Downey Jr., though, amongst larger-than-life types just takes the freakin' cake though, and has more than one scene where he just steals and seals the deal, y'knowwhatImean?  Just chews up the scene like a tough steak and downs it with some A-1 Narmsauce on the side.

Otherwise Thor was predictably powerful, Captain America was predictably soldier-ish and stolid, Iron Man pulled off impressive feats of technical genius as well as sheer awesome badassery (the mark 7, THE MARK 7!!!!!), Bruce Banner was both affable and slightly frightening, the Hulk was the Hulk only I must admit he was WAY more so with this incarnation.  I mean, normally he's just "HULK NO LIKE YOU!" and "HULK SMASH!"  This movie, I think he only had two words he actually said, simply roaring the rest of the time.  And then there's what can only be described of as his "way too enthusiastic rough buddy moments Hulk-style" with Thor.  Yeaaaah.  The Hulk seemed to have more personality in this movie outside of his "HULK NERD RAGES OUT AND SMASHES THINGS," but there was plenty of THAT too.  Meh, take it how you will - I dug the hell out of it.  Overall, despite how predictable the characters are, the actors playing them knew what was up - the fans WANT the characters to be just like the comic book versions, and y'knowwhat?  Why the fuck are you watching a movie that is explicitly about a comic book superhero group and NOT want to see a comic book superhero group doing their thing?

Holy lord, that final battle sequence.  Oh god.  Oh god.  Oh....god.

And then you got Black Widow and Hawkeye.  First and foremost, Hawkeye?  Yeah, that's a bad mamma-jamma.  Period.  And while Black Widow had more than a couple of scenes of just sheer awesome badassery, it's more or less the fact that she's portrayed excellently by Scarlett Johanssen that impresses me more than anything.

Didn't Scarlett turn into the new Lindsey Lohan?  I mean, she does a ton of movies then goes into an alcohol- and drug-fueled binge, parties out, gets her crotch plastered all over the internuggets then just disappears, then BAM, Black Widow.

I mean, it's not like I'm hatin' on the girl, not at all...it's just Lindsey Lohan hasn't been able to (thus far) survive being Lindsey Lohan, how in the hell did Scarlett Johanssen do it?

Anyway, badassery all over the place.  And then there's Loki.

OHHHHHH boy.  Loki.

I really need to see freakin' Thor, just to see if he's as malevolently charming in that movie as he was in the Avengers.

Now, I've hyped up on The Avengers pretty much thus far without giving away really any of the storyline or how badassed the scenes were (MARK SEVEEEEEEEN!  PUNY GOD.  THE S.H.I.E.L.D. BASE!  SAMUEL L. JACKSON MOTHERFUCKER!), or just...well, how awesome the whole movie is.  So, my complaints, 'cuz after all...what am I if not a true hater, y'knowwhatImean?

So.  No Hawkeye and Black Widow origin story, just gonna jump straight into the Avengers movie, huh?  Finally caved into the fan pressure?  Also, not enough Stan Lee.  Jesus Christ, not enough Stan Lee.  Obvious ploy to the theater's emotions as well as to enable the Avengers to...well, gel together.  It's obvious, but holy jesus fuck, was it effective!

Now.  Some of you (ahemahemMEANDMYTHINKINGCAPcoughcough) may not get it.  Some of you may not understand why Captain America fights with a shield of vibranium-adamantium alloy.  Some of you may not understand why Hawkeye fights with a bow and arrow, or why Bruce Banner did as good a job as he did.

Some of you cannot fathom how amazing this movie is.  Perhaps you don't understand because you never read the comics, or know the lore.

But this isn't that kind of a movie, y'know?  This isn't a mere fantasy or sci-fi, this isn't a fictional movie that has to explain every single facet of itself to you since it's banking on the fact that you (like SO MANY OTHER GEEKS ON THE INTERNUGGETS) has already watched the origin movies leading up to this obscenely badassed movie, and even more so it's a movie that is based on already established lore, read and argued about throughout the years.

It's a movie that bridges the gap between comics and movies, and from that point of view?  Yeah, grade A++, fuckin' 10/10, would buy from this vendor again.

OH, watch it in 3D for extra special eye sexings.  OHHHHHH boy.  Really makes the bulges pop out at ya, y'dig?

So.  Sosososo-ssssso.  There you have it.  The Avengers.  I didn't give away any of the story, and above all there's still more than enough time to watch it in the theaters since it's quickly become one of the highest-grossing blockbusters in the history of...well, blockbusters.

Go watch yerself some superheroes whuppin' ass, takin' names, and simply being marvelous DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?  LOLOLOLOLOL.

The Avengers.  Screw you guys, I'm droppin' guap on this the MOMENT it comes out on blu-ray and buyin' this motherfucker, day ONE!

Sincerely (once again),

~That Bastard