Sunday, June 17, 2012

Hot and Current, "Men in Black 3"

Ugh. So. Yeah.

How the fuck to do THIS great 'un without giving out spoilers that possibly aren't already out there? I mean..it, like, JUST practically dropped, all hot and delicious in the worlds' lap.

And then me and a small crew of our peoples went to Sharis and had awesome burgers and pie a la mode afterwards.

Strawberry Rhubarb pie. Golden vanilla ice cream.

I then had a slice of delicious tuxedo mousse cake later on that night because nothin' like the threat of diabetes to make one feel truly alive, y'know? Especially after a day like that.

So. I got home, had cake, snuggled up a hottie, then went to bed and slept for ten hours. I then woke up and had a pretty good day today as well.

The end.

....I mean, then I wrote these blogs, but yeah you get the point.

So. What does any of this have to do with MiB3?

Well...picture, if you will, a movie. A good movie. Practically back to back with another REALLY great movie (The Avengers) that it actually overtook in the box office sales, and for good point.

The comic geek in us (me and my friends) is enraged, but everyone pretty much agrees: yeah. This fuckin' movie.

This fuckin' movie right here?

It's GOOD. It DESERVED to overtake The Avengers as the number one movie in 'Murrica.

Okay, MiB 1 set the bar. MiB 2 was all about the alien gimmicks (worm guys, Frank, the villain and the alien princess) and the comedic drama of bringing Agent K back into the force, all that good shit. It wasn't BAD, despite the haterade it acquired, especially for those of us who watched the cartoons - there were shoutouts aplenty, and the Worm Guys are pretty much the epitome of asshole, douchebag broism.

MiB3 is that sweet spot, that super soft sweet spot right between the ribs, where you slide the blade up and wiggle it a little and watch as the light is snuffed out of their eyes, like a candle in a howling wind.

Just enough alien gimmicks to make it fun, just enough gidgets-gadgets to make it awesome, just enough of a balance of comedy and action to make it awesome, with more then a few touches of drama. Just a touch, just enough to heighten the rest of the fun, y'know?

The storywriting itself was somewhat compelling (fuck you if you didn't like that dialogue, ESPECIALLY anytime Josh Brolin, Tommy Lee Jones, or Will Smith was on the screen at any point in time), the time travel lacked paradoxes and was stable as fuck, and the villain. THE VILLAIN!

WHO THE FUCK WAS THE GUY WHO PLAYED BORIS HOLY SHIT HE WAS BADASSED! And his bike. I WANT HIS BIIIIIKE!

The music wasn't anything to scream about, staying to the tried-and-true sounds of previous MiB's...but y'know what? That's not a bad thing. If it ain't broke, don't fuck it up by getting rid of Danny Elfman and getting that other guy. Y'know, that other guuuuuy. From the Toy Story movies. Yeah, him. Randy Newman.

Y'know what? How CAN I do a Hot and Current without ruining this? Woll Smoth in absolute top form. Tommy Lee Jones in absolute top form. Josh Brolin in absolute Tommy Lee Jones form (seriously, did he sleep in his fucking SKIN like a goddamn Edgar suit in order to pull off his speech patterns, brick face, and everything else?)? Should I point out the strangely James Bondish moment...

No, that'd ruin it.

Should I point out about Zedd....

No, that'd ruin it.

Should I talk about the opening scene where Boris...or...

...y'know what? Fuck it. Go watch this movie.

Sincerely,

~That Bastard

Friday, June 8, 2012

Focus On, "Real Steel"

Focus On, "Real Steel"

OKAY GUYS, FOR THE DURATION OF THIS POST, IT'S ALL CAPS TIME. I AM RELEASING THE FURY AND REAPING THE WHIRLWIND. YOUR BODY CANNOT HANDLE THE POWER OF THE THUNDER I AM CALLING FORTH. MY INHIBITORS ARE OVERLOADING AND I AM TOTALLY ROCKING YOUR MOTHER'S MOUTH RIGHT NOW.

NO. NO. SERIOUSLY. THIS FUCKING MOVIE, MAN.

OKAY, OKAY, JUST HANG WITH ME, OKAY? HEAR ME OUT BRO, AND PICTURE THIS: ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS THE MOVIE. BUT UNLIKE BATTLESHIP THE MOVIE, IT'S, Y'KNOW, GOOD.

LIKE A GOOD FUCKIN' MOVIE.

OKAY YOU GOT HUGH JACKMAN AS THE MAIN CHARACTER, OBVIOUSLY. I MEAN, THE FUCKER'S DAD'S A GOLDEN GLOVES BOXER BACK IN HIS DAY, RIGHT? PLUS HE'S HUGH FUCKING JACKMAN, THIS IMMEDIATELY PUTS HIM INTO BADASS STATUS.

NOT WOLVERINE: ORIGINS HUGH JACKMAN, BUT X-MEN 1 HUGH JACKMAN, BACK WHEN WE STILL BELIEVED THE X-MEN MOVIES WERE GOING TO BE COOL. THANK GOD FOR X-MEN: FIRST CLASS, BUT THAT'S FOR A DIFFERENT FOCUS ON.

SO WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH. SO REAL STEEL. ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS THE MOVIE.

ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS ALL HOOLIGAN STYLE AND SHIT! SERIOUSLY, BIG ASS ROBOTS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER WITH NAMED ATTACKS, CALLED ATTACKS, AND JUST PLAIN OLD BIG ASSED ROBOTS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER.

DID I MENTION THE ROBOT NAMES? AND THE NAMED ATTACKS? HOLY SHIT, THIS MOVIE WAS MAAAADE FOR ME!

SO. HUGE JACKPEOPLE PLAYS AS A WASHED-OUT HAS-BEEN BOXER WHO ONCE WAS A MAJOR CONTENDER, RIGHT? BUT THEN THE ROBOT BOXING LEAGUE SPRANG UP, AND SO HE SWITCHED TO THAT AND BECAME A WASHED-OUT HAS-BEEN ROBOT BOXING TRAINER OR WHATEVER. IT'S BASICALLY POKEMON, ONLY THERE'S QUITE A FEW WAYS TO GO ABOUT LEADING YOUR ROBOT TO VICTORY: GOOD OL' MANUAL JOYSTICKS, JUST FOR THAT ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM FEEL, VOICE COMMAND (A RARE ONE, OR AT LEAST EXPENSIVE OPTION), AND THEN YOU GOT THE RARE "SHADOW FUNCTION" WHERE THE ROBOT MIMICS WHATEVER IT SEES OR IS ORDERED TO LOOK AT.

SO, NATURALLY THIS WASHED-UP HAS-BEEN PLAYED BY HUG JOCKMOM HAS A KID WITH SOME CHICK FROM BACK WHEN HE WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD BOXER, BUT THE CHICK DIED AND NOW THE AUNT WANTS TO OWN THE KID. NATURALLY SHE HAS TO GO OFF AND TAKE HIM TO PARIS OR CHINA OR WHEREVER, BUT HER NEWLYWED (OLD) RICH (OLD) NEW (OLD) HUSBAND WANTS HER ALL TO HIMSELF SO HE PAYS OFF HOCK JUGSMAN AND HAS HIM BABYSIT HIS KID FOR THE SUMMER.

OF COURSE HE PUTS THAT MONEY TOWARDS A NEW ROBOT, WHICH GETS SCRAPPED IN A FIGHT AFTER A SERIOUS BOUT OF NOT ENOUGH KNOWING YOUR DAMN ROBOT AND HOW TO WORK THE CONTROLS.

THEY FIND AN OLD, ABANDONED ROBOT AND THE BOY FORMS A BOND WITH IT, AND THE THREE END UP TAKING THE SHOW ON THE ROAD AFTER FINDING OUT THAT A) THE BOY IS ACTUALLY AS GOOD, IF NOT BETTER, THAN THE FATHER, AND B) THE FUCKING ROBOT IS A MONSTER IN THE RING, ARMED NOT ONLY WITH THE VOICE COMMAND FROM THE PREVIOUSLY JUNKED ROBOT (TSUNAMI JOE OR SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT) BUT ITS' OWN SHADOW FUNCTION.

EVENTUALLY, AFTER DOING QUITE A FEW SIDE SHOWS AND RACKING UP WIN AND WIN, THEY GET INVITED TO THE ROBOT BOXING LEAGUE.

DUDE. DUDE. HEAR ME OUT.

THINGS DON'T GET GOOD HERE.

THEY WERE GOOD THE MOMENT THE MOVIE BEGAN.

SHIT GETS AWESOME WHEN THE ROBOT BOXING LEAGUE SEQUENCE OCCURS, AND THE SHEER BALLS ON HOG JUNKMINGS' KID IS FUCKIN' INCREDIBLE!!!!

SO YEAH, YOU'VE GOT HUGH JACKMANS, DAKOTA GOYO IS THE KID AND THE REST ARE PRETTY BACKGROUND CHARACTERS FOR THE MOST PART. NOT EVEN JOKIN', THEY'RE COOL AND ALL BUT HONESTLY THE UP-FRONT GOODS ARE PLACED ON THE ROBOTS, WHERE THEY BELONG! ATOM IS THE MAIN ROBO IN THIS MOVIE, BUT THEN YOU GOT A TON OF OTHERS: ZEUS, NOISY BOY, MIDAS, METRO, AND...WELL, YOU GET THE POINT!

DO YOU SERIOUSLY EVEN WANT TO BEGIN WITH THE SPECIAL ATTACKS? THEY'RE ALL THEMED TO THE ROBOT, COOL TO WATCH AND LOOKS ABSOLUTELY GREAT IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR STANDARD ATTACKS. JUST FUCKIN' AWESOME ALTOGETHER, Y'KNOW?

OH, AND THE MUSIC IS DONE BY DANNY ELFMAN. YEAH THAT GUY. THE MUSIC ISN'T ANYTHING TO SCREAM ABOUT, BUT IT FITS WELL WITH THE MOVIE, Y'KNOWWHATIMEAN?

SO YES, THIS IS ROCKY WITH ROBOTS WITH LESS DRAMA BUT NO EXCISING OF THE ACTION. PLUS IT'S HUGE ROBOTS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER, DID I MENTION THAT?

OKAY. OKAY, I'VE RUINED ENOUGH OF THIS MOVIE FOR YOU AND TO BE HONEST I'M ON THE LOOKOUT FOR IT LIKE MAD. LIKE SERIOUSLY MAD.

LIKE THROWING CHAIR MAD, I FUCKING WANT THIS MOVIE IN MY DVD COLLECTION AND SO SHOULD YOU!

FORGET BATTLESHIT: THE VIDEO GAME BASED ON BOTTLESHERP: THE MOVIE BASED ON BATTLESHIP: THE BOARD GAME THAT IS MORE ENTERTAINING AND LASTS LONGER THAN EITHER MEDIUM! GO WATCH REAL STEEL.

WATCH IT AND INDULGE IN THE AMAZING COMBAT, THE SPECIAL EFFECTS, A BELIEVABLE UNDERDOG STORY, AND MORE BADASS THAN YOU DESERVE!!!!



SINCERELY,

~That Bastard